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Responsible

Posted on by lainamunoz

Pardon my hardly edited post… we are in the end of Hillsong Conference for this year and I need to get to bed… but I’m still reminded of commitments that I’ve made and a calling I have. So enjoy this old writing on this fine #ThinkBackThursday

I am responsible for my own actions and I will be judged according to the choices I make. In two days, it marks the 1 year of when I started the 30 day challenge and I’ve often thought of writing different things to finish but never got around to it. Sometimes the hardest thing is finishing. But even before you finish, taking responsibility for the things you were supposed to or committed to do.
My creativity, my art (if only for G-d to teach me, and even if you get nothing out of me publicly posting it) is to write and in 365 days I’ve put up 28 pieces. 29 if you count this one I’m writing. I don’t feel a need to apologize to you because I never promised you that I’d write. I feel like for one of the few times my life I’ve realized the importance of telling G-d “I blew it” I made a commitment to be better by tracking growth and letting Him inspire me and I let myself get to busy.
So, if this has nothing to do with you and this is all, “my bad” why post it?
Accountability. Encouragement. Correction.
My responsibility is to own my mistakes and confess them, though I’ve only sinned against myself and G-d by breaking a commitment it is now (because you’ve read this) your responsibility (or option depending on how much you care I suppose) to pray for me.

James.5
13 Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise.
14 Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord.
15 And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven.
16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

Maybe you don’t think there is much to pray for. You don’t want to go to G-d with one of those, “uh, help Laina… Um finish her posts? Cause I guess she wants to”
But it’s not about that. In the little things we develop habits. Breaking a commitment here and there turns into a lifestyle. I wish I would finally commit to exercising on a consistent basis, to budgeting and making a priority of saving, to writing songs, writing thoughts, to letting G-d change me constantly to be more like him, to thanking Him for his mercies and everything He’s given me.
I’m a spoiled girl.

Sigh

Mind you, a lot of these posts are me thinking out loud. And to be taken “general” by the public. I guess what I’m saying is don’t try to become my accountability partner just because you read this. I’m more guarded and wise then to let just anyone pour into me or know everything about me. But. I guess if you can find something in here that makes sense to you, great. If I’m just posting this to own my…. lack of responsibility. Then let it be. Let me grow and if you think fit to bring me before the creator in prayer. I’d appreciate it.

Me, Myself, Martha and Mary

Posted on by lainamunoz

Real Talk

It’s always Real Talk

I swear I re-write these like a billion times.

I have such a Martha heart sometimes. I don’t believe by any means that we are saved by works, or by what we accomplish but I sure keep myself busy instead of sitting at the Fathers feet sometimes. I always think it’s a novel idea to sit and listen but then struggle with feeling lazy. It’s one of the many mindset changes I’ve been praying for this semester in school… To not have the attitude of Martha who was upset when her sister wasn’t just as busy ‘doing’ as she was. I don’t want to live distracted. I couldn’t imagine that getting to the end of your life could be worse than not even realizing you didn’t live because you were busy being distracted.

I want to worship and commune with Jesus – I’m just highly distractible and move around way too much and phone way too much and mindlessly interwebs way too much.

“As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him.  She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.  But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Luke 10:38-42

I had a day at home over this week and realized how much time I had to just sit with Jesus, and I was really excited about it. I thought to myself, “dang, I can get so much reading and writing and revelating (not a real word) done today! How awesome will that be?!” and then I cleaned the kitchen, and my room, and vacuumed and watched YouTube. We all get busy either from jobs or from life but we don’t all have to get cluttered. You know, the unnecessary amounts of things that we do that aren’t entirely productive. I’ve always been like that though, too busy to think clearly. It’s slowing down and breathing that I’m not good at.

Hillsong Conferences’ theme is “Speak: We’re Listening” which couldn’t be more seasonal for me. So naturally I’m expecting a lot. But a large part of this for me is going to be learning how to sit at Jesus’ feet and take in and listen to what he is saying. I think it’s really easy to get distracted with the preparations and at that, the things that really do HAVE to get done. But what is better? What is needed?

Just one thing. 

Mary chose what was better. There is nothing else. There is no time more valuably and costly spent than time with Jesus. Not only that, but Jesus told Martha that it wouldn’t be taken away from her. All the time she used wasn’t wasted and it wasn’t going to be removed. It wasn’t a lack in her life but it was the best decision she could have made. Time with G-d can’t come back void. I believe I’ve written about that before or if I haven’t now I have. If you’ve had a RealTalkTuesday with me lately I’m sure I’ve preached that to you. It’s something I absolutely need to hold onto right now. Even when I don’t see or feel the change I need to believe it.

((Honestly, I just have a lot to learn.))

Drift\\

Posted on by lainamunoz

Sometimes I feel like I repeat seasons, and I can’t even get upset about it because it’s really funny. I’ve for sure felt like this over the last few months with writing. It seems like now that I’ve made a commitment to have something to say, I have nothing to say – at least nothing of any significance. But my prayer is that it is seasonal and that when you read it you ARE encouraged, challenged, and feel loved. It doesn’t have to be the best because it probably wont be but, it will be my best. Please enjoy this #ThinkBackThursday from my 20th year of life.

I hate feeling distant from G-d, I hate second guessing if He hears me. Ever since I decided to do this “30 days of creativity” it seems like I’ve been the most… un-in-tune with my Savior that I have been in a while. I feel like since I promised not to live watered-down and be honest that G-d has found out how to make me learn in every situation. I’m not much for filters – by that I mean I stink at keeping them on. So, generally, what I’m thinking comes out. I’m not thrilled when I have to lead a family group, or a worship set, or a Sunday school lesson feeling like I’m living in the wrong. Have I talked to G-d about all the junk I’m feeling? Yes.

Do I understand why it’s still there after?

No. Not at all.

“We must pay more careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away.”  -Hebrews 2.1

Attention is hard to give when it is being demanded in so many places. But obviously, G-d knew the important places it should be given.

((So G-d, help me. Help my attention to shift cause if I am or not, I HATE feeling like I’m drifting. You have more for me than this.

//Your Position Is Replaceable, You Are Not\\

Posted on by lainamunoz

I’ve had the wonderful journey of working in the food and service industry for 9 years out of my life. In the time that I worked I can honestly remember calling into work twice when I was really sick, I probably showed up way too many times when I was too sick to be working and any other time I couldn’t work I would get my shift covered. There was a small part of me when I left my first job that wanted the place to fall to the ground (cue Taylor Swift “Bad Blood” in the background). I wanted to think I was the reason that establishment was standing or that maybe they would miss me when I’m gone. I’ve had a lot of moments in my life when I have the humbling realization that I’m not the stuff.

I’m actually just me.

But me can be pretty great.

You see, in food service a lot of us think we are the reason the shift runs smoothly, which is comical now that I’ve been on the scheduling side of things as well. Working in section “B” on a Friday night shift doesn’t mean you’re the best at what you do, it honestly means you are a body and there needs to be a body, somebody, anybody in that section. And if you never came along somebody would be in that spot.

I was recently chatting with someone about leadership here at Hillsong International LEADERSHIP College and what I found was this: Anyone can fill a role. This is awesome. I’m actually so thankful. One of the mornings I was scheduled for serving at Sisterhood I was really sick, like get up and walk around and feel like I was going to lose everything I even thought about eating the day before so I called who I needed to call to let them know their star host wouldn’t be there (if you haven’t figured out my snark yet please understand I don’t think I’m actually the best host there is.

Actually, I still haven’t figured out what I’m doing))

I then slept in my bed for the rest of the afternoon.

While it is a tad inconvenient to not have the people you planned to be there turn up – there is still a fix. You shift people and fill the roles and make it work. I don’t have to turn up to anything; my role is replaceable, however I am not. It isn’t a matter of me doing the task assigned, it’s a matter of my person, my heart, what I’ve walked through, what I have to give that is uniquely mine and if I don’t turn up and rock out my roll then I will never cross paths with the people G-d might be wanting me to speak to or receive something from. He might have someone that needs to be loved the way I understand how to give love, He may need me to give my smile to someone who is having a bad day or my heart to someone who needs whatever it is G-d has placed over me. I might need that message for this season or week. I may be blessed tremendously by serving the wonderful women of Sisterhood (that always happens without fail).

Positions and leadership come and go but my character and heart are the things I’m allowing to fill those rolls. I’ve been challenged over and over by G-d this semester to do well with what is in my hands now. Why is this so important? Because He placed  (Whatever I have the opportunity to do) IN MY HANDS. No one else owns the little hands that I do and they are attached to no one else’s body. Which means no one else’s mind can control the things I play, write, hold, break or build.

What I’ve walked through has formed who I am and G-d has refined that person, and is STILL refining that person. No one else can offer what I can and no one else can offer what YOU can. You have an impact and a light that you carry that is uniquely yours. I don’t know HOW G-d created all the different people that there are or the insane dynamic of characters there are but shoot, He did a great job. I always take a look at my house and the amazing women I live with… we are SO different but all have something to contribute to one another and to the people we surround ourselves with. No one else can add any more or less than what they have. If it wasn’t Krysia or Evelin or Reema living in the rooms that they do then another body would fill that position… but it wouldn’t be THEM.

Whatever role you do or don’t have,

whatever team you lead or serve on,

whoever you are trying to be.

Be you, be there. No one else can.

Scrabit : Art

Posted on by lainamunoz

October 2010- what a day today has been… please enjoy this #ThinkBackThursday

“Most artists can’t draw, but all artists can see.” – Roy Simmons

“Go and tell this people: “‘Listen hard, but you aren’t going to get it; look hard, but you won’t catch on.’ Make these people blockheads, with fingers in their ears and blindfolds on their eyes, So they won’t see a thing, won’t hear a word, So they won’t have a clue about what’s going on and, yes, so they won’t turn around and be made whole.”
                  -Isaiah 6.9-10

It seems like G-d might have wanted us to understand something here: Art isn’t just about ability; it’s about seeing what needs to change and creating something that can make a difference. G-d’s art is to make us whole through giving us the vision to see what needs to change.

I was reading a delightfully short book by Seth Godin called Graceful where he took a full section to talk about Art. He defines art as this: “Art is anything that’s creative, passionate and personal… Art is a personal gift that changes the recipient.”

G-d’s art is revealed in the everyday continuation of what He started long ago. Genesis 1.1 “First this: G-d created the Heavens and Earth – all you see, all you don’t see”

G-d was the original creator and the only one by which we may LEARN what He wants to do with our lives. The beauty of His art is that there is still life yet to be revealed. Some things in creation we are still waiting on, there are things and colors in heaven that we still haven’t experienced – and I cannot wait. He set the heavens in place, His majesty is seen in all there is and He holds my heart and molds in everyday into something reflecting Him.

G-d is a passionate G-d, He is a compassionate G-d, a G-d who thinks about us and has purpose for us.

He is a wonderful, powerful master who sees us in the state we are in and calls us His.

He is a personal G-d who cared so much about the people He created that He sent His one perfect thing He had left – His son so that He might be reunited with us.

I can’t help but think through a few things…

1.   Are you letting G-d’s art CHANGE you? When was the last time you admired the sunrise or sunset and couldn’t focus cause the presence of G-d was so thick through your thoughts that you broke out in praise with your entire being?

2.   Are you letting G-d direct your art that He has for you? Some of you have read these posts and thought, “oh that’s nice, but I don’t have art to give”… how selfish. You have a gift that only you can give, you have an art that only you can perfect FOR HIM and you don’t care enough to search it out? Maybe it doesn’t look like messy hands from painting, or like a keyboard to type stories into. Maybe it looks like buying a bag of food a day and driving until you see someone who might need it? Maybe it looks like having a conversation everyday in which you remind someone of how much they mean to you? Possibly you could take 30 days to spend time getting better at listening to G-d? Maybe G-d has given you a heart for missions but you’re in a different season where you can’t leave yet – What if you were to passionately pray for a different location or people group for 30 days? What if you were to check up on the area to see what G-d was doing with your prayers?

“The more people you change, the more you change them, the more effective your art is… If there is no change, there is no art. IF no one experiences it, there can be no change.” –Graceful

((What has changed around you lately?

((((Have you inspired the change?

Continue On

Posted on by lainamunoz

Life update.

I think there are loads of things in my life that I sit back and ask,

“Why am I still doing this?”

Writing is one of those.

Writing is hard.

This is week 16 and more than ever I feel more like spam rather than anything useful for anyone. Then I think to myself, “Well Laina, this isn’t about THEM ((whoever them is)) this is about the fact that you felt really strongly about the calling to be faithful with your writing so that G-d could teach you a few things about yourself (ugh, there G-d goes bringing that into this)”

((Faithfulness is hard))

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
James 1:2-3
“Endure hardship as discipline; G-d is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciple – and everyone undergoes discipline – then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all.”
Hebrews 12:7-8
I know this is heavily influenced by the Think Back Thursday but it’s absolutely where I’m at with life right now AND what my week has been focused on

Lets stroll here for a little bit. Consider it JOY when you face trials. I had to ask this question to myself several times recently, “am I viewing trials as an opportunity to grow, am I finding joy knowing that I’m learning perseverance?” At first the answer was a hard “No” followed by “Laina what the heck are you doing with your life?” and then it was a “yeah, sometimes I think I get that” and now it’s a daily battle of having little to no passion behind a lot of the things I feel called to do because it’s just been a long season and its not always easy to hold only what you thought you knew.

What I do know to be true is the active Word of G-d. ‘you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance… and let that finish so that you might be mature and complete, not lacking anything’ G-d I don’t want to lack so help my views change on what I’m walking through. You’re teaching me how to be a child I just need to sit and listen.

Why writing is hard:

It’s time consuming – which isn’t as big of a deal right now because all my assessments are in and competent (humble brag) but it requires focused time and time to process which sometimes I struggle with.

Its personal – sharing is hard. Partly because sometimes I don’t want to admit to myself where I am and the other bit would be because I, as an author, don’t want to bore you with something that isn’t useful. Actually, I’d love to accomplish the opposite. I want people to feel like they can be a little bit more of a person when they read what I write. I want them to fall more in love with Jesus or meet Him for the first time. I want people to laugh when they catch up on my dry humor. And I want to constantly be getting better both at storytelling and writing real gud.

It’s not always read – hmm… which brings me back to faithfulness. I felt like this was something G-d wanted to work on in my life was sticking to commitments if no one reads it or not, now that I think about it that’s pretty funny since I typically write in a journal daily anyway but this is more along the lines of editing and cleaning up the thought process and publishing something I’d be proud of. Come Fridays that doesn’t always happen but I also enjoy looking back and seeing how much I’ve grown so the weak posts are welcome as well. Feeling awkward about my work is alright.

You don’t always have something awesome to say – You have no idea how badly I want to be sharing these ridiculous, life-changing revelations that Christ has shown me throughout the weeks but sometimes I’m too stubborn to sit and listen and I don’t get them. I want to be a good author and I’m still learning what that means. Sometimes, (and PLEASE do correct me if I’m wrong, seriously, I’d love to know if I’m the only one who thinks this way), I think it has more to do with consistency and the subtle changes for the better than always having content that will bring the reader to tears and make them do that next thing that they haven’t been brave enough to do yet. Maybe I’ll get there, but for now I’m learning a lot about sitting, thinking, writing and rewriting.

‘Let perseverance finish its work in you so that you will be complete and mature, not lacking anything.’

I’m clearly not mature yet. But, G-d is good at reminding me of who He IS creating me to be. Faithfulness and Loyalty are some of the most important things in the world to me and in the last two weeks or so G-d has used a few different people to remind me that HE sees me as faithful… I truly believe that’s not just the early mornings with Him but sometimes I like to think it’s the continuing to do the things that I currently don’t find awesome.

Continue on.

Dead Man, Wake

Posted on by lainamunoz

I wrote this sometime around 18 years old – The majority of it is scripture and what the Word was speaking to me at the time. I hope you enjoy the read!

You know those portions of scripture that stand out and slap you in the face SEVERAL times before they finally decide to sit down?

G-d word – His scripture is:

“G-d-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correction and training in righteousness,

(O.K. children, lets finish the sentence)

so that the man of G-d may be thoroughly equipped for every GOOD WORK.”

(2 Timothy 3.16-17) Don’t you dare take that out of context.
Now that we have that down…

(I’ll just go ahead and say this, if you’re not willing to SEARCH the scriptures and read it with an open mind to G-d… don’t even bother to continue to read. I’d be insulted for my G-d’s sake if you kept reading.)

John 11.1-44
“The Death of Lazarus
1Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. 2This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair.

(WHOLE DIFFERENT SCRABIT I COULD GET ON)

3So the sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.”
4When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” 5Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. 6Yet when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days.
7Then he said to his disciples, “Let us go back to Judea.”
8“But Rabbi,” they said, “a short while ago the Jews tried to stone you, and yet you are going back there?”
9Jesus answered, “Are there not twelve hours of daylight? A man who walks by day will not stumble, for he sees by this world’s light. 10It is when he walks by night that he stumbles, for he has no light.”
11After he had said this, he went on to tell them, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going there to wake him up.”
12His disciples replied, “Lord, if he sleeps, he will get better.” 13Jesus had been speaking of his death, but his disciples thought he meant natural sleep.
14So then he told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead, 15and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.”

((I have to know that I can only be joyful when your faith in G-d is dependant on Him and not on anything that I could do. I have to know that G-d is higher than me in ALL ways, and that for you to have a personal relationship with Him is far more important than you thinking that I’m ANYTHING in the kingdom. I am broken and frayed; I am an ever-reaching human who will only ever strive to see my full potential. I only by G-d’s grace and mercy am able to see the light of each passing day, and given opportunities in those days to see the glory of G-d work through someone like me. I DON’T understand a G-d who loves me that much that He would allow me to take apart of His plan. But In G-d I Trust and In G-d I WILL Live.))

16Then Thomas (called Didymus) said to the rest of the disciples, “Let us also go, that we may die with him.”
Jesus Comforts the Sisters
17On his arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days.18Bethany was less than two miles[a] from Jerusalem, 19and many Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them in the loss of their brother. 20When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home.
21“Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”
23Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.”
24Martha answered, “I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.”
25Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; 26and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?“

((Sometimes we have to ask ourselves… “Do you believe your Bible?” Legitimately, what are you looking for when you check off your chapter-a-day? What do you expect G-d to open your eyes to as you read? What are you seeking? Are you seeking or is it just your Christian-Cookie-Count that you need to keep up?))

((Jesus said,, “I AM”))

27“Yes, Lord,” she told him, “I believe that you are the Christ,[b] the Son of God, who was to come into the world.”
28And after she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary aside. “The Teacher is here,” she said, “and is asking for you.” 29When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him.

((G-d, be our teacher. YHVH be our guide when we don’t know which way to go… Martha realized who she was with, she told Mary that the TEACHER IS HERE AND IS ASKING FOR YOU… Mary got up quickly and went to Him! G-d is looking for people to equip, He wants to see His children respond quickly to Him and listen to His instructions… When the teacher is looking for YOU will you go out and meet Him? Will you find exactly what He needs you to do and put actions to what you KNOW He is asking of you?)) ((This is about where the scripture decided it wasn’t done with me yet… G-d is looking for me… G-d is looking for you. Will you respond?))

30Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. 31When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there.
32When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”
33When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34“Where have you laid him?” he asked.
“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.
35Jesus wept.

((Jesus was moved to such compassion over His dead friend that He cried. The savior of the world wept over His friend that He knew had to go through death. “G-d has a deep, emotional and sympathetic love for you and others” – Firebible note 11.35))

36Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”
37But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”
Jesus Raises Lazarus From the Dead
38Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb.

((Jesus was moved to the place where Lazarus was laid… His compassion led Him to the place where others left him for dead. Jesus came to my tomb… Jesus wept when I had to die (spiritually) because I simply wouldn’t believe. I didn’t understand, or didn’t care. I let myself become sick and for the glory of G-d, His timing came perfect. He showed His compassion and power through the resurrection of Lazarus… He came to the tomb where everyone else just claimed he had no life left inside of him. Jesus was deeply moved, for me, and came to my tomb when no one else believed I had anything to live for.))

It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. 39“Take away the stone,” he said.
“But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.”
40Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?“

((No, just… WOW))

41So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. 42I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”
43When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” 44The dead man came out,

((Is G-d calling the dead out of you? All of the times that you just want someone to believe in you, He is there calling you out of the place where no one else was willing to go. Truth is all of us are dead in some way or another. All of us have come to the brink of utter ruin, but only then do we see the master coming to where we were laid and given up on by men. Only there will we see the King of all kings come and weep before us because He so wants us to be alive. G-d so desperately wants us to be actively pursuing His will for our lives because it is greater than anything we could imagine. YHVH, you own us. Only you can call us from the dead and give us new life… Take off the grave clothes and let us go))

his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.
Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”

((What are the old things that are covering you? Take off your grave clothes and lets see this new life G-d has called us to. Let us truly understand His compassion over us, His love over us, His calling over us. G-d, be in us, work through us FOR YOUR GLORY… if it’s not You, G-d, we don’t want it. Set us free with a new spirit. Call us out of the grave… YHVH even if it has been days, weeks, months, years that we have wasted in the grave… Let us be new.

Let us be yours. G-d, have compassion over your kids…

“Take back the years the enemy’s stolen…”

Scrabit : Speech

Posted on by lainamunoz

What do you do when you’re speechless?

You listen

Myself and a few friends went exploring around New Castle today, as well as all along the coast to return back to the hills. The ocean does my heart good. Sitting in front of a vast and extraordinary body of water calms my spirit and quiets me- for an honest lack of another way to explain it. I don’t have a lot to say today. So, I’ll ask you this: those who will read this take some time (the time you would have used reading this), listen to a song or two, or the silence, stare at the pretty picture I managed to take today and just listen.

And I pray that as you sit and breathe and listen that G-d would do you the solid promise of showing up. I don’t know what you need because I’m not sure who will see this or when, but I ask that what you seek is found. Know that I am praying for you. Know that G-d is with you and sees you and knows you and loves you.

I have some of my own listening to do.

If you need some songs to listen to:

(this blog isn’t sponsored by Hillsong, its just irony that it happens to be the school I got to because I didn’t really even realize thats who sang this.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_TOOXRpn8w (Always a good sit with Jesus song)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFfw6OSbUwE (Mmm…)

Scrabit : Family

Posted on by lainamunoz

#ThinkBackThursday to not so long ago when I realized a lot about why my relationship with my family meant more to my healing than anything else I could have done by myself. I do miss them, they’re pretty amazing. Enjoy!

It always collapses when I’m alone                  – 2 March 2014

The house has broke one me, twice – both times almost game me a panic attack. I HATE being somewhere unfinished, it makes me uncomfortable and reminds me of me. Which is one of many reasons I had to come home. We’ve been in the process of remodeling for a while and I hate the process. I grew up hating clutter and having lots of things going at once. I threw away birthday cards and went through my closet a few times a month to see what I could get rid of. I love cleaning out the refrigerator because I can get rid of whats old. Its such a simple task. Throw it out. We have a bonus room in the house with storage and keepsakes… so, naturally this was the room to take the hit of the flood. A pipe busted in January in our house in this room, because if you’re going to do damage might as well hit the most you can. This room was PACKED. From front to back, side to side and about 4 feet deep of stuff. When the water came it damaged things. And when we pack things that tightly, and damage it – we need help.

               I love my family – I love my mom and my dad, my brothers and sister.

My ceiling collapsed and it was like G-d opened my eyes. I tried my hardest to not be a packrat and clutter up my things and my life, and yet, I do it in the worst way. Emotionally and spiritually I shove things so far in, side to side, front to back and four feet deep. And until it collapses, I think I’m alright. But it DID collapse and I was alone… I couldn’t do anything by myself. NOTHING. It was simply too much.
My parents got home and mom was overwhelmed, she tried moving things out of the room but when you pack things that deep you need help unpacking. We HAD to call disaster relief people – when we pack junk into our hearts that much its OK to call people to help. We cannot and were not meant to do this alone. I am what I didn’t mean to be, I pack with the intension of unpacking and getting to it eventually when realistically somewhere I know I wont get to it unless I have to; unless disaster hits and insecurities are brought up. Until I lose my best friend and have to reevaluate myself. Until I have a panic attack and am alone crying in my car.

                              I need help unpacking

It’s difficult to be in a home that gives a clear example of my heart. but I need to be here. My parents are apart of my healing. I have a good home life, honestly. I always have. I get to thank my parents for sacrificing all they have to give me every allowance I have had to do whatever I feel called to do. They’ve supported my decisions for the most part, they disagree with my haircuts and one of my tattoos but they let me travel to Ireland when I was 15 to do missions. They let me pick where I felt G-d wanted me when my core group at church split; they’ve allowed me to move back home while I figure out what I’m doing with college; they give and love and have patience that I cannot measure. But satan will do anything and everything from a young age to skew our perception of our families…

My dad and my relationship has never been “bad” ever, we don’t fight and there has never been abuse. He was military when I was young and I don’t honestly remember him being around much. He took me to a daddy/daughter tea at my old church every year and one year he braided my hair for it. I was impressed at the wise old age of 6 or so that he knew how to do that. I have never doubted that he loves me – I don’t remember him being very affectionate growing up. He might of been but again, this is what my perception was. I call my dad or go to him when I hit bottom. He was in Malaysia when I broke up with my first “adult” boyfriend and I emailed him to let him know – He was the first of my family to know my ex had cheated on me (mostly because I figured mom would cry), He’s who I ran to when the next boy I really liked broke my heart and I just wanted to cry. He is the one I call when something breaks on my car. He’s who I called when the house flooded… both times.

When big stuff breaks he’s who I call, I know he loves me and in disaster he will be there but I want him to be my daily-dad. He traveled a lot for work and thats not bad but because of my perception I’ve made him a non-immediate option. He can be there but I wont bother him with the day-to-day unless he asks. But the older I get the more I need him in my day-to-day – I (like many people) project how my relationship is with my dad onto the Father. I know my Jesus loves me… and when I’m under a disaster He will listen when I call and offer fatherly advice but I want more. I want Him to be my daily Father. I want to bring Him the little things and if thats hindered right now because of my relationship with my parents then, well, lets go. I’ve known it for YEARS just not good at being open. I’m not great at communication but I’m stuck in this process of healing and all signs point to my relationship with my parents. And I want them in my life, I want their advice, I want their help, I want them to know I still struggle with fear and that I don’t know what to do about boys. I want to be able to tell them when junk isn’t working. I want my parents to know that they are the next step in my healing but I’ve been afraid to say what I think because I DO love them, and I don’t want them to think they’ve done anything wrong.. There was a break down in my perception and all I know now is to call out how I feel. I also still hate crying.

I’m sick of giving satan this foothold, I NEED my parents. There are people waiting on my healing – there are people on the other side of my obedience and I’m done wasting time.

I’m sick of being afraid of nothing. I’m home to heal.

To the kids, there is a lot you need from your parents if you admit it or not… The relationship you have with them means something in the Kingdom. Stop being a brat and figure out what you can do to improve your relationship and learn from them.

To the parents, thank you for numerous prayers over our lives… I’m sorry for all the heartbreak we put you through. Please don’t give up on us. We are a stubborn generation and need y’all all the more.

…A Little Bit Louder Now

Posted on by lainamunoz

Sometimes I think that we are deafening our culture with our silence. We ignore when G-d asks us to speak because we discredit the people we think need to hear it. We think they wont listen because so many times before, they haven’t. But when we refuse to try anymore we refuse their chance of change – in OUR silence we rob them of that opportunity. We are cowards when we were called to be kings. We doubt people when we are told to forgive. We belittle the power of passion and love and the effectiveness of G-d’s Holy Word.

Why? Because we want to justify ourselves out of the risk of rejection—no one wants to hurt themselves so we refuse to take up the pain of others. For what? Our comfort? Image? Pride?

I’ve heard that “silence is golden” but when there is so much gold around it loses its value. The gold becomes more of a wall that is in the way rather than a single brick. That one brick may be the one person who took the time to listen to someone who was hurting and then offered help.

In our silence may we listen – but, the silence can’t last forever.

The value of silence has gone down and now G-d is looking for people bold enough to speak up and once more call those who are hurting back to Him.

“Come back to G-d, your G-d. And here’s why: G-d is kind and merciful. He takes a deep breath, puts up with a lot. This most patient G-d, extravagant in love, always ready to cancel catastrophe.” Joel 2.13 (MSG)