Scrabit : Cars

Posted on May 7, 2015 by lainamunoz

Well, this has become a fun part of my week. Reflecting on what G-d has done for me and the things He has taught me. I pray I never forget or cease to recall how GOOD HE IS.

“Puhhhlease, #Daddysgirl, I’m already sure the answer is yes.”

I swear G-d sets up conversations to show us our own believes that we might not of realized we had. I was talking to a friend about a road trip we want to take soon((7May2015 – we never took it)), we were trying to figure out gas money and how much to save. And while I LOVE my 1997 328i BMW with 230,000 miles on it, it doesn’t get the best gas mileage, or have the best steering, or have the least busted tail light ever…

Having taken all that into consideration I think, huh, maybe dad would let me borrow his car… it has power steering, both tail lights AND gets roughly 10+ more miles to the gallon to my classic. Bottom line is that it would be to my benefit to be able to dive his car to Texas and not mine. My friend told me I should start begging now, without a second though, I said, “#Daddysgirl (yes I hashtag in texts for irony, but you can de-friend me if you want) I’m already sure the answer is yes.” I have confidence that my father looks to my benefit in every circumstance. I obviously need to ask him and arrange accordingly but it wasn’t even a potential thought that he would have a reason to deny this request.

He looks out for my best and he does his best to help me.

“I’m His, I’m already sure the answer is yes”

“This is the confidence we have in approaching G-d: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that He hears us-whatever we ask-we know that we have what we asked of Him.” -1 John 5.14-15

Granted, you’ll see this is a little bit of a loose example seeing as my dad might not WILL me to drive his pretty vehicle but just the thought process. It spills over into my parents and I’m super thankful I have parents I can make and example of. Mom is always willing to wake up early to cook a good breakfast for me and any extra friends when we have kayaking adventures or my dad is more than willing to share his knowledge and resources to set me up for anything I want to accomplish. And how much more our heavenly father sets us up.

“How great is the love the father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of G-d!” -1 John 3.1
“If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” -Matthew 11.11

And that is truly exciting, to have complete trust in the gifts my Father wants me give me. I’m sure I’ve had to work through this before, because I am a SLOW learner – I hope one day my thought process is this quick. Where I know I need G-d’s favor in a situation and I go before Him with this confidence. Hey G-d, if its Your will, I know it will already be a yes. Here’s my life and desires and passions, here’s what I’m ok at and where I fall every time… But You love me – because I’m Your kid. So do what You do, love me fiercely and whatever You will, let it be. And those requests I have for my future, for adventuring, for growing ad learning, let me be already sure the answer is yes.

And with that confidence, let me live.

LORD, if I may, may I write.

Also, dad Kate and I wanna go to Texas sometime between the 10th-21st of July…. so you can think about that haha

What Is In A Name?

Posted on May 1, 2015 by lainamunoz

I have a lot of pride. I got a job when I was young and worked for about 46% of my life (which is gross to think about when you’re only 24) and did my best to ‘provide’ for my wants and needs (I thought I was providing, but I know I wouldn’t be alive without my parents). I carry pride in my friendships, I hold my close friends close (and think they’re cooler than you). I carry pride in my little sister who is absolutely irreplaceable and unmatchable in competition for my affection and attention. She’s the most intelligent and beautiful and talented little person I have ever known and she gives the BEST hugs. I carry pride in my goals that I’ve set for myself, which I’m often humbled by, because lets be honest, sometimes I over schedule and don’t complete things (sometimes I suck at keeping commitments).

Lastly, I carry pride in my name. I suppose really it isn’t MY name, but it is my family name. It’s Muñoz and it means: “on a hill”; my first name [Elaina (I just rocked some of your worlds)] means: “light”

((My name means: “light on a hill”, freak yeah!))

Way to go mom and dad!

After I finalized my divorce, changing my name back was a huge deal for me. I couldn’t wait to be apart of my father’s family again. It wasn’t as if I no longer belonged when my name was different but there is something about a legal, outward label that means I am apart of something bigger than me. I wanted to be re-associated with my father and my father’s family. I wanted to belong to the family that I grew up with. Changing my name back on Facebook sent me into a small gut-dropping panic because some people didn’t even know that my ex and I had even had our first fight (I lied a lot to a lot of people between my 21^st birthday and my 22^nd. I was asked, “how’s married life?” enough to make my head spin) so I waited until I left for a three week holiday to Ireland to visit my best friend. It was a birthday/vacation gift to myself.

“For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will – to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.” Ephesians 1:4-5

It’s almost as if we have this duel citizenship with our earthly families and the Kingdom family. He CHOSE us from the beginning of the world before I had a chance to screw up royally, and even knowing all the things I was going to do, HE adopted me. He looked at me and decided that I was allowed to have His name. Not only was I allowed – but also He fought for me to have His name. A name that is higher than anything and everything, that means more than “light on a hill” (Don’t get me wrong, my parents did awesome and my name is sick as). I was given a name by my heavenly Father that has power over the grave AND all of my sins. I have been given a name that looks past my talents and blessings as well as my shortcomings. He not only chose us, but it was all in accordance to His pleasure and will… what?!

He wanted to.

The name of Jesus means: Savior. It means defender, it means deliverer, it means guardian, it means hero, it means liberator, it means rescuer, and it means that I NEEDED HIM. What is in my name is a belonging to the King of Kings and the one who is over all things. My name means that I have an inheritance of eternity and authority at my right hand.

The thing is, that I actually didn’t have to go back and change my name to Muñoz again. I could have left it the way it was so that I didn’t have to go through with the process of sitting at the social security office, the DMV, all of anywhere that I had a bill to be paid, anything social media – but I CHOSE to. I had to choose to take up my name again and allow myself to realize that I belonged.

Jesus is a gentlemen. I’ve always believed that because I’ve always found it to be true in my life. He isn’t barging in and taking my heart captive by force. He is waiting to be sought out and waiting for the permission to make you apart of His family. I don’t know too much that there is to know about adoption but I know that once the child is old enough to understand, they can say no to the adoption. Once we come to an age of understanding we have the ability (and many do) say no to the name of Christ Jesus… and what a painful decision that is.

I choose today to take pride in my name that was given to me at the highest cost.

“See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him.” 1 John 3:1

That we would be called Your own. G-d, I’m not worthy of it but I will accept it. I’m not the best representation but I have a Bible full of ‘less thans’ who have made a way for me to believe. If you can use anything Lord, You can use me.

Call Us Your People G-d

Posted on April 30, 2015 by lainamunoz

Dang I was a convicted little girl… This was from just before my 19th birthday. Please enjoy my throwback

There is power in the word of Christ. I will believe that will all my new heart until the day I die. I can have nothing less because there isn’t much point to life separate from that. G-d, give me clarity in what you want me to say. Speak to those who need to hear from you and use me G-d, as I have nothing more rewarding to do than to follow you.

“They will return to it and remove all its vile images and detestable idols. 19 I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. 20 Then they will follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people, and I will be their G-d. 21 But as for those whose hearts are devoted to their vile images and detestable idols, I will bring down on their own heads what they have done, declares the Sovereign LORD.”
(Ezekiel 11.18-21)

G-d has given us the land. He is willing to guide us into the people’s hearts that He has called His very own. He has called us to return to where we belong and promised us that we will see the gates of Hell tremble before the power of his word and His people.
G-d, you have called us to be new creations and have given us the means to be something different.

“They will return to it and remove all its vile images and detestable idols.” (Ezekiel 11.18)
We HAVE to remove all that is vile and detestable in our lives. We have to let G-d become the center of all we do, or everything we have done or believed in will be in vain.
((1 Corinthians 15.1-2 “Now, brothers, I want to remind you of the gospel I preached to you, which you received and on which you have taken your stand. By this gospel you are saved,IF you hold firmly to the word I preached to you. Otherwise, you have believed in vain.”))
What a waste if you grow up living fully committed to G-d but let one thing slide, if you “believe in the Bible” but never give the time of day to invest in what you believe in. If you do not hold firmly to G-ds word you HAVE BELIEVED IN VAIN. If that isn’t enough for you then my heart goes out to you. My prayers to G-d will be over you, that He might come in and whisper to your heart until you are broken before Him.

I refuse to waste my life.

If it’s not all out, it’s all for nothing. Your life could be all in vain if you don’t hold FIRMLY to the scripture. If you are obeying 99% you have disobeyed 100%
Create in me a PURE heart G-d, let that become the cry of my generation. Make me steadfast and totally committed to your presence because apart from it we will see no good thing.

(I will) give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; (I will) remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. 20 Then (they will) follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. (They will) be my people, and (I will) be their G-d.

G-d promises us different things in scripture:
He WILL – Give us an undivided heart and a new spirit
He WILL – Remove our heart of stone
He WILL – GIVE us a heart of flesh

And then… We WILL – Follow G-d’s decrees and keep His laws
We WILL – Be G-d’s people!

And… He WILL – BE OUR G-D!

There is no maybe in His statements. He is firm in what he promises us and commands us. And how exciting it is to be the people of G-d!

undivided |ˌəndəˈvīdid|
adjective
not divided, separated, or broken into parts.
• concentrated on or devoted completely to one object : I can now give you my undivided attention.
Lord let your spirit in us be firm. Let us ACCEPT the heart that you so desire to give us. And let us follow after you fully, not holding anything back. No doubt of ourselves, or fear of our futures. G-d our future is secure in you.

I know that it doesn’t matter what I say, or what passion you see in my writing… it is G-d who wants you to understand this right now. He has something so big in store for those who seek after him; following closely to the scriptures He has given us. But you cannot believe in what you do not invest in. Of this I am fully convinced. Please hear my heart on this, G-d’s word is powerful, you can repeat that as much as you want but you will never understand it until you dive into the word yourself and see what all He has for you.

But as for those whose hearts are devoted to their vile images and detestable idols, I will bring down on their own heads what they have done, declares the Sovereign LORD.

Assessments, Assignments and Assassinations

Posted on April 24, 2015 by lainamunoz

This is a very collegiate post; not in the sense that it will be educated and polished, but simply an update on how college is for me. The first few weeks of HILC (Hillsong International Leadership College) was full of the same three questions that we now all make jokes about.

What is your name?
Where are you from?
What stream are you in?

Super boring, totally doesn’t provide the best means to get to know anyone… We ask in hopes that from that 1. The new intake student will then begin rambling their life story in order that we can figure out if we are a good pair for friendship or 2. It will keep the conversation going until the next ‘activity’ or thing happens so that it isn’t awkward. Now that we are past that we are getting a morphed version of the same set. If we happen to run into someone that we don’t know (which at Hills campus happens ALL the time) the questions look like this:

What is your name?
What intake are you?
What stream are you in?
How do you like college so far?

To which, every Hillsong student replied, “SO good!”

So, How DO I like college so far?

It’s an important question to ask myself if I’m being honest. How am I enjoying life? How am I really?

I’m alright, I think that’s the most honest answer I can give. We have first semester performances coming up in roughly 2 ½ weeks, which is exciting and nerve-racking when you take a step back and realize what you signed up for. We have a larger assessment on Amos coming up the week before. The assessments are hard, not as in they are difficult to get the answers but sometimes they’re hard to think about the answers. They can be lengthy but mostly the fact is that we are being asked questions that we have PROBABLY been asked before but this time we are required to actually give an answer. An educated and leadership minded answer. We are thinking about our futures in ministry and the Kingdom and how this all relates to our relationships with Jesus. It’s just a little different when life becomes real.

So as you see, the busy is starting to hit a little harder. It isn’t impossible; it’s just more entertaining to get your assessments in when G-d is sifting your heart in the process. I feel like this season has taken so many different turns in direction and what I’m learning about. It doesn’t feel as if G-d is changing the call on my life and my passions but it does feel like He is moving me forward in all of what He HAS called me to do, which just looks different – it looks more aggressive, it looks more like praying constantly because the farther I get into this the less I feel like I know what I am doing. What a tense beauty life is becoming.

Along with the turning things in and thinking through things, I feel like G-d has been dropping just as many things to let go of. He is asking me to put to death insecurities that I legitimately didn’t realize that I had. I was talking with some of my Songwriting class about how we came here feeling like we were adults and pretty set as far as our thoughts on how our relationship with G-d was and soon came to realize how much more work Jesus has to do on us. Ugh, it’s a mess. I’m a mess.

This is just a brief update this week… just thought it would be good to let you all know the practical side of how life is lately.

Hopefully this is short, sweet and to the point

What To Expect When You’re Expecting: The Heartbreak Edition

Posted on April 22, 2015 by lainamunoz

I am not blind and my heart is not numb.

There is no bliss in ignorance and I am unprepared. There is heartbreak coming, you see. I have family and a group of friends that are very dear to my heart. I have a best friend I treasure more than every possession I own. I am fully aware of how bad moving across 9,000 miles is going to hurt — I’m patiently and grudgingly waiting for those first few lonely weeks of crying myself to sleep while my family gets ready for their lunch. I’m emotionally conscious of the random lonely that will hit. I know I will be sad and cry my way through the airport. There is a balance of excitement along with this, but that isn’t the point of this overflow. ((Blah, Blah, PERSONAL STORY TO GET YOU ENGAGED))

How do you proceed to the heartbreak when you’re FULLY aware it’s right around the corner?

This is NOTHING like what Jesus experienced, but this is the thought process He used with me to get this story across to me. I’m reminded of Calvary. Jesus was fully aware of the heartbreak that he was willingly walking into because of something greater that had to come. He saw my salvation as a fitting and worthy cause to be broken.Through the last few days and moments the disciples had with Jesus, He was telling His story. “When Jesus had finished saying all these things, he said to his disciples, “As you know, the Passover is two days away–and the Son of Man will be handed over to be crucified.”a

((Whoa, Symolism)) The Passover was a festival celebrating the Hebrews’ first-born children who were spared by covering their door frames with the blood of a pure and spotless lamb.

I get it, it’s all in there packed between the pages of Genesis and Revelation but sometimes it just hits you. I believe that G-d is The G-d of ALL creation, I believe He is a poetic being and that He is creative in the deepest bursts of wind, in the cries of infants, and in the silence of a dark night. I believe He uses symbolism because He enjoys it; He created us in His image and He knows that we will understand when He uses stories because HE CREATED us to understand. I believe that’s why I tie things together like my silly little life stories reminding me of The Cross and what Jesus did knowing how badly it would hurt. MY LIFE was saved because of His blood that He chose to spill so that I would be COVERED in the blood of the lamb. This story has been there for years and it’s finally resounding in my heart in a new way. I was passed over by death and sin and destruction because it couldn’t even see me through His blood. He knew what He was doing and sat it fit to give up His perfect Son so that I may live. ~~Blugh. Real talk. Hits you in the feels, every time.~~ He continued through knowing heartbreak was coming for me – for you. Please understand me, like I said… this isn’t the same thing but this IS what He used for me to understand that His story isn’t over; it’s written between the pages of Genesis and Revelation and it continues to be written in each one of us, or despiteeach and every one of us. I am not a saviour to the world but what I am is called and chosen. I accepted the call to live my best to love. My obedience is 9,000 miles away from home. I’ve been promised that through obedience I will see chains fall. I believe in the redemption of time in HEALING and I believe that Jesus uses stories to draw us closer to Him. I believe in the authority He has given to us when He ascended to heaven promising us that, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and TEACHING THEM TO OBEY everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always to the very end of age.”b What is your heartbreak? Where is your obedience? What is coming in your life so that something greater can come? I surely have no idea; I’m only a friend closely with a few of you and even less that actually get real with me. That’s ok, I pray you have your person that you download to and your group that you invest in. They’re worth it –if you’ve been hurt by them or not. And if you haven’t been hurt by them, don’t worry it’ll come. But, your giving isn’t about what you can get from them. It IS about living and being a member of the body of Christ. Jesus continued because of LOVE. Learn to love and I believe you can give the world something that might make a difference.

Why are you being scared kid? – “It’s a completely different sky there.”

Because I Said So

Posted on April 17, 2015 by lainamunoz

Creative success is not always found in inspiration; rather, we see it frequently in diligence and obedience.

You can search the sunrises and travel the world to have your eyes opened to the mysteries that beckon a new thought process, but you’ll find that the true success of completing a creative thought comes in the daily time spent on your craft. There is a slow build that takes place in the moments of paying attention and working with what you have access to. Often you’ll find yourself in seasons (days, weeks, years) of layering character. What’s funny about this act is that you can rarely see the progress. It is as if you are standing on top of a building that you’re putting together yourself and you only have an option to look up and continue the build, or look down and try not to become discouraged as you just see the same two-dimensional view of the sides of what you are creating. Maybe, just maybe we were never meant to see the build. What is entirely apparent to those we surround ourselves with is the completion of this growth. We may never see the height of the diligence that we possess – which is possibly the greatest thing.

If perhaps we were able to see it, we might become terrified at what we actually are… Either upset that we aren’t as far along with life as we had hoped, or we might become intimidated at the height on which we actually stand. This also prevents us from becoming prideful (about how cool we think we are). It limits our focus on ourselves and forces us to glance again and again into the sky and see what else there is to do. We can only go up. One layer at a time, one day after one day, and it all rests on diligence.

G-d will you bless the obedience?

For one of our assessments in school we have to write out some 3-5 year goals that we have. Our assessment then asks you to break down how to get closer in the next 6 months to these goals. Then we have to come up with 1-2 tasks that we can do daily to accomplish these goals. It’s really helpful, because it makes these goals achievable. This is also really terrifying, because it makes these goals achievable.

Part of the reason I’ve been so overwhelmed with this build is that I feel like the daily tasks to get to the end aren’t doing anything remarkable. Not to say I have to accomplish something incredible every day that I’m alive but when you have multiple days of unremarkable build up you wonder what you’re really working for. Yet, I have found so much blessing in the obedience.

Can we real talk? Sometimes I hate what I produce: I think songs can be cheesy, I think blogs can be irrelevant, I think my school work could be 1000 times better, I think I could be doing more creative things on all of my teams, and I think my consistency in Jesus time can ALWAYS improve. But I do still try. I still have a commitment to do my best with the daily and I have found that is all I can do is offer what I have and see what G-d does with it.

But sometimes what I feel I’m called to do doesn’t make sense; you know when you get a nudge to say some encouraging word to someone that seems so obvious that you really don’t care to say it? Then your heart starts to burn and you can’t ignore the words that are being bolded and impressed on your spirit? All I told him was that he had an anointing in leading. It was clear because well, he was leading and it was anointed. So why did I have to say it? Later he, (lets not introduce him as friend number Nick) told me it was actually what he was struggling with and needed to hear. He needed to hear value and a confirmation of what he was doing. My obedience wasn’t to validate me or to do anything that had to do with something that I understood.

My obedience was to build the kingdom.

Listening and obeying even when you don’t know the “whys” (to me) is where faith comes in. Knowing and holding onto the fact that we are the sons and daughters of G-d and that He walks with us and uses us when we are willing. We have a gospel and a truth to proclaim over those who have never heard as well as those who are in need of encouragement.

So, G-d… This is what I could do… honestly again, I feel like I’m not quite doing my best. I’m still working towards that but you’ve been so good to bless what I do have. I can’t see the process of this build, but I will chose to keep my eyes up and keep layering. G-d… You’ve given me every reason to trust You.

https://www.facebook.com/notes/laina-jenine-mu%C3%B1oz/obey-journey-and-heart/33804884537

Why I’m Not Good Enough For Ministry:

Posted on April 16, 2015 by lainamunoz

This blog already has enough words. Enjoy.

1) I work in food.

I spend a large portion of time cooking or cleaning the restaurant that I’ve been working at for years. This job prohibits me from being in church every Sunday and Wednesday, being at important and non-important family functions, and sleeping in a normal pattern. In turn, I spend copious amounts of time with about 25 servers and 15 cooks. Some love Jesus, some don’t, and some of them don’t even believe there is a Jesus. I spend up to 45 hours a week with some of them and I get to hear their stories and share with them mine. I listen to them when they’re upset with a guest, or a co-worker, or family member and I try to always push them to do their best in ALL that they do. I don’t always do a good job or remember to keep a smile on, but I do try. To those who allow, I push and pray for. I get to watch them go through life with the filter of blue jeans and those nasty black polo’s. Some of them know my faults and victories, they know what pain I’ve been through and what I’ve learned.

All I can do is pray that it’s helped them in some way to not live through what I did or maybe just have the hope that after they do, they will be alright.

I stepped out of many roles in my local church to take up the demanding schedule of management and offended some people by choosing “Chili’s over church”. However, it is what I chose, and if the only other option was to never have met the people I have, then I’m glad it was my choice. I missed things and events but I got to be involved in people’s lives. I found a small group at Chili’s, I got to befriend some phenomenal people. People that I love and will miss if ever I’m not with them (Hey guys, I miss you). They have a special place in my heart and I will never get sick of learning their stories.

2) I am a woman, and women are crazy.

I get too emotionally involved in things that I see and you can’t live by emotion. You cry a lot when you allow yourself to feel and that’s not fun for anyone, your make up (that actually didn’t look like a 4 year old did it that day) runs, and your friends (if they’re around) have to pretend that you don’t look like a hot mess. It’s not entirely a great situation for anyone. No one wins. For a 4 day time slot every month I can be super mad at you and then cry when you actually try to talk it out with me. If you give me caffeine at any point I’m in a great mood. And I’ll complain about my appearance after you compliment me. I can’t think of a compassion filled story without getting a heartache and I have so much pride for my little sister that I cry most of the time she does anything cool. I can’t sing a full song about The Lords faithfulness and not get choked up. I give too much of my time to things that aren’t always worth it and I give too much of myself to people who are only trying to get ahead.

Women can’t speak in public settings because we are so full of bunny trails that men can’t follow what we are saying. So what’s the point in trying? A lot of times I’d love to believe I’m a lot like Ruth: sticking to her promises all the time and working always to get exactly what she needs and being faithful… when really I see myself more often as the woman with the alabaster box so overwhelmed at the forgiveness given to me that all I can do is offer everything I have because even that isn’t enough. I’m moved emotionally to action and repentance; I don’t walk around trying to make up for the things I’ve screwed up. My heartstrings get tugged and I collapse and offer the mess that I become to the Creator and hope it becomes something better than what I left.

I am a woman, women are crazy and if it wasn’t for the patience of a G-d who loves me that would be enough to disqualify me.

But I have to believe this compassion and heart that aches He has set inside of me was meant to be mine. I have to trust that even when I give “too much” and get taken advantage of that it was all in His hands anyway and whatever He wills, will be. I have to know that when I cry its not because I’m a mess and I’m weak but because I’m ALLOWED to feel for people. I’m allowed to weep with someone who is hurting and lost. I’m ok taking time to be mad and scared and crazy because Jesus himself wept over me. He knew I’d be like this. He made me like this.

3) I love writing because I can think through what I’m saying -

when I speak I feel like it doesn’t make sense. Sometimes when I try to words out loud they don’t come out correctly.

I’m not a great communicator, at least I feel like I could be a better one. I don’t monitor what I say before I let it fall out of my mouth and this sometimes causes hurt feelings or people just being butt hurt that I had a better come back than them. I feel more frequently than not that I’m looking at G-d and His requests telling him, “I’m just not the right one” I feel highly inadequate to be given a lot of the opportunities I am because I’m simply not the best at what I do. I found out recently just how bad I am at photography, which I just find comical – I’m just not creative in that aspect about 95% of the time. I like to play piano and ukulele and guitar but I get nervous and mess up a lot. I like to speak but I feel like I could throw up before each time I do unless its in the middle of worship. Jesus tells me a lot in that setting and asks me to say a lot, I believe mostly up to this point what He needs me to say out loud is typically for me. Kind of public confession/accountability sort of a thing, but also, I’m just realizing how freeing it is to tell your stories. People learn from one another. And especially WHEN I DO mess up what I’m saying and someone still tells me they needed to hear it

I realize all the more that the result of the Gospel is the result of the Gospel, it is NOT the result of my attempts to share the Gospel.

So, yes, I stumble and fumble and say the wrong thing. My thinking isn’t perfect, my talents are not the best but I have had an opportunity to grown and become something more useful for what G-d wants to do in this world and in ME. ((And that’s pretty cool.

4) I was married – but now I’m not.

Life isn’t supposed to go that way. “When something is broke you fix it you don’t throw it away.” In some Jesus denominations you can’t be in a pastoral/leadership position if you’ve been through a divorce, I’m not here to change your stance one way or another on if that’s right or wrong, or fair or harsh. I’m just stating the fact that on legal pieces of paper my marital status isn’t “Single”. If you know me very well, you know my story; if you kind of know me, you know the readers digest version; if you don’t know me and you tripped across my gofundme account (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgaQ23dFtQg) or Merge Video blog (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgaQ23dFtQg) you at the very least know that I’m divorced. I didn’t at the time think what I went through was fair. I was mad. I waited until I was married for sex, I worked at church, I grew up serving in almost every age of ministry I could be apart of, I led a family group, I led a worship team, I helped with the drama team, I was in line and could have worked my way into being a Junior High pastor. I was in love; I was 21 and extremely happy. I loved being around people and telling stories I had hopes, dreams, drive and ambition. And then I got mad. I got chosen over. I wasn’t good enough in my prime; I wasn’t good enough when I was the princess of the day. This is more difficult to write about because I’m still a firm believer that people do change (going back to the being a woman and crazy) I believe the best and sometimes get taken advantage of. But I don’t feel its fair to say my ex is the pit of disgust and should have a terrible life because of what happened. I gave up everything to take a break and learn how to do the ministry of marriage. And I was chosen over.

Yet, I have been unfaithful to my creator and His forgiveness is awesome.

Literally, I’m in awe of what He has done for me. I didn’t want there to be a G-d because that way I could react whatever way I saw fit and not believe there was something up there with a broken heart over me. I wanted so badly to be alone and just die because if He wasn’t real it wouldn’t have mattered. But I’m still here. I had friends telling me to get off my couch and get some sunshine and air. I wanted there to be nothing and for everything to mean nothing. It didn’t work; I broke and realized there IS something because I’m not done being me. I’m not finished learning how to love and forgive and seek forgiveness. I’m not done being loved. The Lord has given us love and forgiveness we don’t deserve and cannot repay because we are sinful. The majority of us will go through a moment, or trial, or piece of a story that gives us the opportunity to walk away from everything we know and believe in.

I’m grossly hopeful, it gets better –

no matter what you’re going through,

it gets better.

I swear, no matter how painful the heartache, IT GETS BETTER. G-d showed us His forgiveness clearly with the story of Hosea, He called Hosea to marry a prostitute. He called him to a union of unfaithfulness. He told Hosea to love her, over and over again to find her where she was, whoever she was with and take her back and love her. He did this to show what He has done for us. While we were STILL sinners, Christ died for us. So I have a red letter in my marital status… Could G-d have used it? Yes. Would life of been different if I chose to stay? Yes. Life changes constantly and I chose what I did.

I’m here now and at peace with where “here” is.

My Story is a huge part of Australia. G-d knew the outcome and He knew my heart the entire time. And HE still loves me, HE still knows me and HE still treasures me.

5) I don’t like pretending I’ve got my life together – I pretty openly admit I don’t know everything – or even what I’m doing.

I’m too honest and probably share too much… like, all the time. I believe too firmly that I can sit before my Father as I am and let Him deal with me as I am. I tell Him when His word doesn’t make sense to me, and I tell people who I’m talking to when it doesn’t make sense to me as well. I believe firmly in grace and because of this I no longer give myself stomach ulcers trying to be a “good” person. I try to love and give but when I screw up I believe in the forgiveness already given to me. I’m not the best witness in the world because I can’t explain everything there is to being a ‘Christian’ even though I grew up in church. I have a decent amount of blind faith in that this is the only thing that has made sense so far so this is what I do.

This is the only way the heartache eases

the panic attacks settle

the joy is restored and the hope is in full swing.

So this is what I do. I love on Jesus and let Him love on me. I’m not good at being a good Christian. I take scripture too literally, I don’t like to dice it up. I question the context of what someone is preaching on and wonder if the author ever really intended for us to use it the way we do sometimes. I believe you can sing and watch chains fall, I believe in prayer actually working when we bring our requests to G-d, I believe all things work together for good even when they suck really bad. I believe in favor and that G-d is going to let me accomplish my “bucket list”before I go, even if it doesn’t look like what I have planned. Heaven forbid I actually believe. It’s not the practical thing to do nor is it useful for planning your next move in whatever ministry you are doing. I feel like a wildcard because I don’t agree with everyone all the time. And then I get vocal and post my disagreement in snide tweets or Facebook statuses, mostly to be funny, mostly because I don’t mind being wrong. My opinions are subject to change because I learn something new about what I’m doing weekly. All in all I’m kind of a brat. Brats aren’t good leaders.

So, I’m sorry I’m not the best candidate but I feel called. I’m sorry I’m wrong sometimes but I’m willing to listen and learn where other people know more. I’m sorry that I have a blemish on my marital-ministry badge but I believe in forgiveness and freedom. Sorry I’m a woman, but I’m not sorry – haha, we are crazy cool. ((I’m sorry that last line was so cheesy.))

I’m mostly sorry if I ever skip and opportunity to be real and open with you all.There is too much importance in life and the actions we take and the conversations we have to not live openly. So it might not look like it used to, but my under qualified self has been living out what it means to be Jesus as best as I’ve been able to. So whatever ministry I fall into, I hope I do ok. G-d knows what He’s doing with me, even when I don’t feel like me is enough.

*Note: Please understand the utter sarcasm throughout this blog and the healing that I’ve come to know as mine. A lot of this was tongue-in-cheek as it stands now. At one point these were the things that bound me. But G-d has done a work that I cannot keep to myself or explain. He is good. I am not.

But He loves ME.

Still, Be Still

Posted on April 9, 2015 by lainamunoz

Self-talk: The part of my writing that is optional to read because it’s my brain regurgitating itself onto the pages of my Microsoft word document. It typically has no order or clear point but this is what I deal with on the daily. Welcome to it.

I don’t like being stuck on the same thought process or project for a long time. Which is actually a little bit ridiculous of me to count two weeks as a ‘long time’. Laina, get over yourself. It’s taken to the next level of ridiculousness when I remember that I want to write a book, and that usually has a theme; it usually has a thought process that lasts between 4-32 chapters (I pulled those numbers off of Wikipedia… it’s on a page that I haven’t written yet). Basically I just maybe need to be a bit more forgiving with myself. And I possibly need to be a little less critical of being in a season that is longer than my comfort lasts. So again, I’m posting about the waiting.

Let’s call it “Part II” so that it looks like I meant to be on this again.

Scripture: The part of my writing that isn’t optional to read because it’s G-d’s Word retyped onto the pages of my Microsoft Word document. It’s typically whatever I’m reading at the time and what I pray finds you exactly where you are at, in the moment when you need it most. May it speak truth to you in your misunderstandings daily.

“Be still, and know that I am G-d; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth”

Psalms 46:10

Be Still and know that I am G-d. I feel like I’m overcomplicating this. I am overcomplicating this. How do I not overcomplicate this? Lord, what does being still look like for me right now? I have this fear of wasting time and being ‘unproductive’ – G-d, I’ve seen your redemptive power in my life so many times before. I actually can’t get this wrong. Break my mindsets that in any way to have final say over what is beneficial for me.

Take back the years the enemy’s stolen

Satan has no power over our time

It’s like He just wanted to whisper over me, while sitting at a coffee shop (like a good hipster college student) I broke. Whilst pondering over this scripture that I have memorized and forgotten that it was tucked there: I remembered all the times before when the Lord had shown His faithfulness to me and reminded me of what He has done. I was reminded that HE IS G-D. I was reminded that HE WILL be exalted in the nations and HE will be lifted in all the earth, in spite of where I stand with Him and despite if I’m coming along on the journey. He will move and His glory will be seen. ((Oh Lord, I want to come along)). I’ve seen the depths of wasted time in my life, I’ve seen the laziness, I’ve seen the moments I didn’t want to seek Him, I’ve seen the seasons when I was too prideful to actually share any good news. And although I could at any point recount the ways that I’m actually just a sack of bones taking up space –

the LORD sees my time as worth something when I sit.

He created me… I know that some of you doubt that but it’s true. I’m His doing. One thing some of my close people know about me is that my strongest love language is quality time. I can honestly just sit with someone and love them more for it. We don’t even have to be talking I just like to be with them. (some of them). So G-d isn’t surprised, in fact I believe He was waiting on me to learn, that my love languages translate into my needs as it comes to G-d as well. He wants me to finally get that I have to learn how to be still before Him not just because it’s commanded, but personally for me because I need to learn to love Him that way. By a sacrifice of time. It is in those moments I realize it isn’t even a sacrifice; G-d has redeemed the time over and over and again anew in my life.

No time spent with Him sitting still and quiet in His presence will come back void.

It simply can’t.

And so, with that, I’m still learning. I’m taking comfort in the fact that my time with Him even when I am sitting and especially when I am sitting is precious. It’s there that I learn to breathe, to grow closer to Him EVEN WHEN I’M NOT SAYING A WORD, I just love Him more from being with Him.

Synopsis: The part of my writing that you could have skipped to from the beginning if you didn’t want to read Part II of waiting and being still. Haha, sucker! I put it at the end!

I should have listened the first time (and then KEPT listening) to what I thought G-d was saying to me… story of my life. But also, I just tend to forget easily or freak out when I do hear silence. I still think I prefer anything other than silence unless you’re a real life person in the flesh, so negative points to Laina for being hypocritical and having a double standard for G-d.

Thank the LORD that He is gracious on me because dang, I’m not the brightest at all times.

Also, if you’re feeling this way or have felt this way then blam, now you aren’t the only one! Not that you ever were. This is why I write. Share your stories and find out that you aren’t alone. We were never meant to do this alone.

Find G-d

Out Of The Context: Christmas

Posted on April 8, 2015 by lainamunoz

Welcome to my #ThinkBackThursday this week, I wrote it shortly after my 19th birthday around Christmas time (totally on Christmas day). It’s more of just a prayer and not entirely a Jesus sermon, but it is where I’ve found my heart lately, in full surrender and hopeful request that G-d would be G-d and allow me to be me and hopefully use me everyday along the way. It’s all I really know how to do is lay my requests before G-d and wait on Him; and even with that I am terrible. G-d help me even now, 5 years later and a little bit farther into the path with you. Grow my heart towards You and let there be even more of a willingness to serve Your people and fill me to overflowing with grace. I am needy, but You think about me. Thank You.

For what it’s worth, I give you all I have.

I’m sorry it isn’t pretty, or all that much in the long run.

But I’m willing and ready to change if you want or need me to.

I give you a moldable me. I give you who I am in hopes that You’ll make me better. I give you me, praying that You’ll make me more like you. I let go of fears to give honor and awe to you. I let go of distractions so that You might have my full attention, not out of obligation but out of the LEAST I could give you. Starting now and going into the rest of my life I give it to You. May I never take lightly my service to You and help me to see and re-define who I should be for You.

I love you G-d and I know you love me too.

-Laina

Christmas always reminds me how ridiculously, and undeserving-ly blessed I am. I like all the gifts I got today and somehow I usually sit wishing I had more money or saved better so that this year I could give more. I’m always left with a few people to give presents to AFTER Christmas is over. I don’t see much wrong with that, I just wonder sometimes who stopped today to offer what they could to Jesus? It is after all – – About Him.

Blah blah blah… I’m not about to get on a Christmas lecture on how He is the reason we celebrate, if you don’t know that by now then you’ve been driving with your eyes shut and listening without ears for the months that led up to today. But, for what it’s worth, what have you offered to Him? Not because it’s Christmas, but because He deserves it? Daily. Ha <I can’t believe I started a sentence with a laugh. 8APR2015>, honestly take a look at yourself (I’m looking at my life thus far and the future promise I know I can hold onto) what can you legitimately offer to make the space you’ve taken up worth it? Nothing… Yet somehow when we mix who we are with who G-d wants us to be, HE makes us worth something. But He won’t force himself on you or change you without your allowance. You have to GIVE Him the gift of yourself. Which is almost comical when I think of my life ever being a gift I’d want to present to anyone.

((It’s ALMOST embarrassing))

I don’t understand why G-d chose to love me. All I know is that He did.

I don’t understand why I would somehow make an acceptable gift for the Creator. But somehow He sees it in me.

I don’t understand how G-d orchestrates all of our lives into a beautiful array of hope and progress. But oh, He does.

All I can do is be thankful that I live FREE, with a family that loves me, with friends that miss me when I leave, with jobs that are teaching me how to become who I’m supposed to be.
And despite how messy it is, I have a Creator who is constantly changing the image of who I am into who He is and what He wants me to be.

Jesus, I’m not much and I don’t understand what you see in me, but here I am.

My whole heart for You… Happy Birthday (ish)

Learning To Love To Watch The Paint Dry

Posted on April 2, 2015 by lainamunoz

We are given the same allotment of space each day to choose to fill. It becomes valuable when it is spent and becomes more when there is less. We have the same amount each week but some weeks we take the time to pay attention to those sections of space, we focus on the moments and the opportunities and we focus on the time we literally can’t do anything except for be. There is no other thing more valuable and more exchangeable than this. So I suppose I’ll continue my pondering from thinking back to timing and thinking this week on waiting. I appreciate what G-d has given me an opportunity to do and what He will allow me to do while I spent my days with Him. Enjoy.

“Wait for the LORD; be strong and //take heart// and wait for the LORD.”

Psalms 27:14

“The LORD gives strength to His people; the LORD //blesses His people with peace.//”

Psalms 29:11

Several times in this adventure of living with 7 beautiful women we have all, or a majority of us have had to be leaving our house at the same time. When this is the case, it’s unspoken and understood that we are going to try to walk together – but, as I’ve stated, I live with 7 other women so getting ready together and on time is doable but not always achieved.

No bother though, when someone isn’t ready to walk out the door, we wait. In our waiting what we are doing is showing that we have the courtesy to remain in their presence until they say ‘go’. What I find interesting is that even when we (I) claim that we are (I am); we (I) hardly have the same consideration in waiting on the LORD.

We sometimes lack the respect to show G-d our patience of remaining in His presence until He says ‘go’.

And beyond that, we are given the command to wait, It’s not just a suggestion we are told once and reminded once in the same scripture to wait.

“I’m not good at waiting”

Good, if we are relying on your strength we’d of given up years ago. What still baffles me about scripture is that we are given commands AND ALSO everything we need to carry out those commands. ‘The LORD gives strength to his people, the LORD blesses us with peace‘

We have all we need, given by G-d – to OBEY G-d.

To ‘take heart’ we are to take up encouragement, it is to be comforted or to buck up. WAIT for the LORD – sit in His presence and be encouraged, be lifted as you spend time with Him until He says, “Ok, we’re ready” And, wait for the LORD.

G-d is not redundant; there is meaning behind His words and His expression to us. G-d is repetitive and not because He wants to say it twice but because maybe we need to hear it twice. He alone enables us with the peace to sit; it’s your choice to be there long enough to receive whatever He is offering to give.

“Be strong” – What a paradox, I know of no other situation than in G-d’s word where you become stronger by sitting. Again, we see a command that personally doesn’t make sense until we skip forward to the blessing of Jesus being our LORD. “The LORD gives strength to his people”. We don’t have enough on our own but He has it for us. May He always be enough…

((Calm down kid, He has this))

He hasn’t left us with this daunting calling that we will never in our lifetime see completed. He isn’t holding our promise over our heads, He is inviting us to take our load to Him and to receive every blessing from His hands that He wants to give us. He is just asking us to wait for Him, and to wait WITH him, and while we are waiting to allow the supernatural creator to give us what we need for today. He isn’t trying to turn us into the Hulk, He’s just trying to bless us and give us our strength for today.

And may peace surround you, even now, even as you sit in your home, a coffee shop, church, your car, school may the peace of Christ which passes all understanding guard your heart. Our hearts take the worst beatings of all and there has been no other way I’ve known comfort to this level other than when I cried out to G-d. I pray that peace floods in and that you are encouraged, that you’re uplifted, that you are strengthened and revived to your best.

G-d knows what He is doing and He doesn’t want you to miss out. Wait on Him.

Even when you’re uncomfortable and feel silence deeper than you hear the truth.

The fact is that it IS STILL the truth. Allow the Words of G-d to sit with you. He has good for you. He is good TO YOU. Find the beauty in obedience as it comes to being with the Savior. And I pray that in His perfect timing you’d begin to ‘go’ WITH Him.