I Asked For More

Lately, I have been asking Jesus to help me love people better. I never felt I was very good at it because I’m a task orientated person. I’m a thinker and most of the time I feel (teehee) like emotions are irrelevant to the decision making process. I feel like I walk too quickly sometimes to seem approachable; and I always look busy, when in all facts – I just walk REALLY quickly.

I asked Jesus to help me love people better and He didn’t make my heart any bigger – He just gave me more people to love.

I asked G-d for more creativity and for ideas to be downloaded into my heart and I feel like all I’ve gotten is more weird dreams. Not like, “I have a dream that one day… my future will be like __________” but like, I go to sleep and dream of a giant praying mantis in my bed or a mix of my cousins and people I used to work with in the same building treating porn as if it was a family movie night, or sometimes hiking on a mountain and suddenly I’m in a dentist chair and my teeth are falling out. But you can’t forget the classic Chilismare… you’re in Chili’s working but you’re working with the worst manager ever and none of your co-workers came in that day and the entire restaurant fills up at once and you’re slowly running your head off all while sinking into the floor, which is now quicksand.

I have CRAZY dreams; I asked Jesus for more creativity and now I find myself with more opportunities than ever to input creatively to the groups and people around me.

But what do I have? I have a giant praying mantis in my bed and random people watching porn*.

I have been praying for provision and a job, not like sitting and praying – I apply and chat with people about who is hiring and follow up with calls. So far I’ve gotten an email to tell me they went with someone else and a manager telling me he’ll get back to me. Oh! And I got put on a list of a future interview the next time they do interviews.

I asked for provision and it comes in the most last minute, random moment and in friends who care to make sure I have groceries.

I ask the Lord every time I post that it would find people in a timely manner and that G-d would use my words to encourage, inspire, and point someone to the only answer I know – Jesus. I asked for the Holy Spirit to move into my man-formed sentences and spelling errors and cover my ‘project’ of words with His own.

I asked for people to find my words AS THEY NEEDED. Yet, when I feel like I’m just typing into the internet and no one is getting anything from this… someone comes to tell me that what I’m doing has encouraged, inspired and moved them more towards Jesus.

But in THAT moment the timing is for me. It’s when I want to give up or stop bothering my newsfeed with yet another “Hey read my blog!” that Jesus reminds me this was HIS calling to me, and though it can feel redundant – my calling IS words – my calling is consistency. 

I miss the mark sometimes, but one thing I can tell you is how gracious and faithful G-d has been. He forgives and restores. My Saviour looks out for me and protects me and encourages me.

I find it SO odd how Jesus responds to me. It never feels like an answer when it is happening but very soon after I’ve gotten over myself, I can look back and see the beauty of His language and timing. I’m learning His language and I’m constantly learning to trust His timing but I also don’t feel bad that I still haven’t figured it out.

* I don’t watch porn, there was not ACTUAL porn playing in my brain – but you know how dreams go – you get that sense of what is happening even though none of the dream makes sense.
* (P.S.) I woke up that morning and had some serious Jesus time for those of you who read this and are still dealing with an addiction porn. I pray freedom and renewal for your mind. I pray that the intense bondage that might be over you be broken right now in Jesus name. I ask that every woman or man or child you’ve ever fantasized about would find a home and healing and that G-d world restore worth inside of them as it has been stolen with every thought that anyone has come up with of them. I pray that the people in the industry would realize the love of our GOOD father in heaven and that they would know inside of them that there is more for them. So much more love. I pray that you, as you read this would feel a release from the pull of porn and that you too begin to love people a little better. – Find Help Here

Aussie (Day 1- Jetlag)

In honour of my 1 year anniversary in Australia and Aussie Day I figured it was appropriate to post this #ThinkBackThursday to my first few days here. It’s been an incredible year and now I’ve had the privilege to welcome the new January intake students who will join in and add to our travels. What a beautiful year we have ahead of us!

Enjoy this look back and Happy Australia Day


It seems like these two days have flew by and also like I’ve been here a year. This isn’t the cleanest thing I’ve written because jet lag. But I know a lot of you are asking my parents questions they don’t know how to answer because communication has been limited. So for you now, a collection of my thoughts the last two days… Oh my gosh it’s only been two days.

It’s raining in Sydney, which I find awkwardly appropriate for starting a new adventure. It’s been said before that G-d is in the rain and in all of my limited life experience I would have to agree. Maybe its because I’m an Okie but storms are calming to me. They remind me of sitting on my front porch (like a good okie) and watching the lightning roll in with my dad. I wasn’t scared because I was with my dad.      

   It’s empowering when you all the sudden see yourself invencible just because of who you surround yourself with.

I have had a peace in this season of my life that is both unexplainable and incomprehensible- and only from walking with the Father. At first I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t even know what it was. I was walking in step and therefore in peace with my heavenly Father and I felt awkward.

G-d I can live calm and focused? This is what redemption feels like – this is hope and this is healing and it is what being with G-d feels like. Watching the storms fall in and realizing I’m covered. 

I’m with my Dad

How comforting. 


“He said, “Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.” – Daniel 3.25


 

I spent a good bit of time this morning wondering what the heck I was doing. With all the activities and gatherings that went on I realized an unfortunate truth about myself, I’m bad at people time. I didn’t realize how terrible I am at holding a conversation until I actually didn’t know what came next in my day and I had nothing to do. We were all crammed in a breakfast room to eat and I suppose probably chat and get to know people and I struggled with not being able to focus on the people around me because I wanted to know what I was supposed to be doing. Where was I supposed to be? Did I need to be preparing for something? We’re been in this room a long time did we all happen to miss a cue for going somewhere else? What if we are late to the thing that we don’t know we are supposed to be doing?

Just Be

Our Vice Principal (or someone else really important to our schooling) was speaking about letting this be a relaxing time. It ISN’T going to be like home here in the way we remember, but this place IS home. He challenged us to get used to things changing and maybe even running a minute late. He told us we needed to relax. He also told the Mexicans to not relax so much. It was exactly what I needed to hear and it was exactly where I needed to be. Reminding myself that my entire path coming here has been covered by a peace that I don’t understand and a favor that I’ve never let myself receive before. Laina, freaking chill out. BE THERE with the people who are with you now and calm down. Has G-d not had this the entire time? You didn’t even know what you needed and yet here you are.

Just Breathe

The crazy thing is that I am EXACTLY where I need to be. I’m hearing exactly what cuts my heart and I’m having the chance to express myself exactly the way the good Lord put it in my heart to be heard. I had a conversation with a friend before I left and he was simply asking me how I was doing. I was almost embarrassed to admit that this whole process has been a beautiful experience; but because I didn’t know how to live in beautiful experiences… I didn’t know what this feeling was of my heart being light and my spirit being free. I was so unfamiliar with the peace of G-d that I didn’t even recognize it when I was walking IN IT. Lord, Forgive me… I neglected to learn how to receive from you so many times before. You give good gifts, Abba, and I want all of them. IF this is what walking with You truly feels like then I must have been stumbling before.

Just Accept.

G-d, I’m blown away, absolutely speechless. I didn’t even know who I was and You called me Yours. I didn’t know what I needed and You provided an abundance. I didn’t know where I was going and You picked me up and walked me there. What the heck? How am I so blessed? Oh, how He loves us SO

Just Receive.

I’m Halfway Listening To What She Thinks She Knows

Hippie music to enjoy whilst reading my blog

– https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5ASEfYFADs
­ – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMd35tfCiXQ

I enjoy being someone who is readable (no pun intended). I have a lot of people who know me and know me very well. Of these people some of them still enjoy my company and having a laugh or two with me (and at me). The most confusing thing about me is when I’m speaking and don’t even know what I’m talking about, or the fact that I change my mind a lot. But I have decided something – people are allowed to change their minds. I’m a planner. I like my weekends filled with sunshine and my work-weeks packed to full. I like my work schedules a month in advance and my new posts to come out on Fridays. Because of this I often have a difficult time letting myself change things up. Once I have black ink to a calendar I rarely give myself the opportunity to cross it off and reschedule.

Something I’ve learned in the last 2-6 years is the fact that things change. Always.

It then becomes our opportunity to learn how to respond to such things happening because they WILL in fact happen. It used to cause me legitimate anxiety that found it’s home in my stomach when things didn’t go according to a neat schedule and while I still believe it is important to be timely, I have found the freedom of occasionally rescheduling a thing or two. Obviously commitments that are pressing aren’t things to be thrown onto a different date… but you get what I’m saying.

(Please get what I’m saying)

Sometimes, I really like to rant. I get super passionate about a lot of thoughts and things and sometimes I just need to say a lot of words around that subject. I love when I find people who will just smile at me and let me talk. I love when people get me.

Sometimes, I think I’m super sneaky or really good at hiding feelings. Guys and lady-faces, I SUCK at this. I’m a freaking open book and often people can guess what I’m going to say word for word based on the ridiculous smile that I have on my face. I’m not fooling anyone. Except myself. I trick myself into thinking that I’m fooling other people. But I’m not.

Sometimes, I really enjoy people I can just BE with. I love the ones who can be sitting across the room not having a consistent conversation flowing and still just being pleased that they are there. I enjoy company more than conversation and tend to feel like I know you a little better when you spend time with me. It’s like a collaborative investment and I think it’s beautiful.

Sometimes, I don’t have anything to say to G-d. My quiet times can be ironically quiet. I’m not entirely sure if I don’t try hard enough in these times and can occasionally feel guilty when I miss a day journaling. Then I realize: G-d gets me. He knows me WELL and I feel like occasionally laughs at me. He lets me change my mind and doesn’t hold it against me. He keeps my weekends full of sunshine (unless it rains) and reminds me to leave space on my calendar for dates with Him, even if all we are doing is sitting on opposite sides of the room and mutually investing time there.

He lets me rant.

When I think I have something to say He allows me to splurb and blab on and on until I’ve exhausted my passion and thought process to finally come to a conclusion. That I will likely second guess. And change.

He gets what I’m really saying when I actually talk to Him, and He isn’t ever fooled by my replies assuring Him that, “I’m fine”. I don’t think I truly realize how important His character is to me or how much I appreciate who He really is. Sometimes I let weeks go by and feel like I’ve learned nothing about Him and that I’ve gotten no better in my attempts to be a super person (whatever that means).

But as I allow life to change around me and take the turns that it will, I find that He allows ME to change. I love realizing just how much has changed and how much has healed.

I love that He gives me time, investment, love… and that HE GETS ME.

Still, Be Still

Self-talk: The part of my writing that is optional to read because it’s my brain regurgitating itself onto the pages of my Microsoft word document. It typically has no order or clear point but this is what I deal with on the daily. Welcome to it.

I don’t like being stuck on the same thought process or project for a long time. Which is actually a little bit ridiculous of me to count two weeks as a ‘long time’. Laina, get over yourself. It’s taken to the next level of ridiculousness when I remember that I want to write a book, and that usually has a theme; it usually has a thought process that lasts between 4-32 chapters (I pulled those numbers off of Wikipedia… it’s on a page that I haven’t written yet). Basically I just maybe need to be a bit more forgiving with myself. And I possibly need to be a little less critical of being in a season that is longer than my comfort lasts. So again, I’m posting about the waiting.

Let’s call it “Part II” so that it looks like I meant to be on this again.

Scripture: The part of my writing that isn’t optional to read because it’s G-d’s Word retyped onto the pages of my Microsoft Word document. It’s typically whatever I’m reading at the time and what I pray finds you exactly where you are at, in the moment when you need it most. May it speak truth to you in your misunderstandings daily.

 “Be still, and know that I am G-d; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth”

Psalms 46:10


Be Still and know that I am G-d. I feel like I’m overcomplicating this. I am overcomplicating this. How do I not overcomplicate this? Lord, what does being still look like for me right now? I have this fear of wasting time and being ‘unproductive’ – G-d, I’ve seen your redemptive power in my life so many times before. I actually can’t get this wrong. Break my mindsets that in any way to have final say over what is beneficial for me.

Take back the years the enemy’s  stolen
Satan has no power over our time

It’s like He just wanted to whisper over me, while sitting at a coffee shop (like a good hipster college student) I broke. Whilst pondering over this scripture that I have memorized and forgotten that it was tucked there: I remembered all the times before when the Lord had shown His faithfulness to me and reminded me of what He has done. I was reminded that HE IS G-D. I was reminded that HE WILL be exalted in the nations and HE will be lifted in all the earth, in spite of where I stand with Him and despite if I’m coming along on the journey. He will move and His glory will be seen. ((Oh Lord, I want to come along)). I’ve seen the depths of wasted time in my life, I’ve seen the laziness, I’ve seen the moments I didn’t want to seek Him, I’ve seen the seasons when I was too prideful to actually share any good news. And although I could at any point recount the ways that I’m actually just a sack of bones taking up space –

the LORD sees my time as worth something when I sit.

He created me… I know that some of you doubt that but it’s true. I’m His doing. One thing some of my close people know about me is that my strongest love language is quality time. I can honestly just sit with someone and love them more for it. We don’t even have to be talking I just like to be with them. (some of them). So G-d isn’t surprised, in fact I believe He was waiting on me to learn, that my love languages translate into my needs as it comes to G-d as well. He wants me to finally get that I have to learn how to be still before Him not just because it’s commanded, but personally for me because I need to learn to love Him that way. By a sacrifice of time. It is in those moments I realize it isn’t even a sacrifice; G-d has redeemed the time over and over and again anew in my life.

No time spent with Him sitting still and quiet in His presence will come back void.

It simply can’t.

And so, with that, I’m still learning. I’m taking comfort in the fact that my time with Him even when I am sitting and especially when I am sitting is precious. It’s there that I learn to breathe, to grow closer to Him EVEN WHEN I’M NOT SAYING A WORD, I just love Him more from being with Him.

Synopsis: The part of my writing that you could have skipped to from the beginning if you didn’t want to read Part II of waiting and being still. Haha, sucker! I put it at the end!

I should have listened the first time (and then KEPT listening) to what I thought G-d was saying to me… story of my life. But also, I just tend to forget easily or freak out when I do hear silence. I still think I prefer anything other than silence unless you’re a real life person in the flesh, so negative points to Laina for being hypocritical and having a double standard for G-d.

Thank the LORD that He is gracious on me because dang, I’m not the brightest at all times.

Also, if you’re feeling this way or have felt this way then blam, now you aren’t the only one! Not that you ever were. This is why I write. Share your stories and find out that you aren’t alone. We were never meant to do this alone.

Find G-d

In Time, Child

I find irony in a #ThinkBackThursday about ‘Timing’… so please enjoy my silent chuckle and my smile as I share with you my thoughts. 5 March 2014


There is so much importance in timing.

It’s something we avoid from elementary school: There are tasks we have to do daily – some are bigger, some are smaller but it’s when we overlook the important ones to pick something easier that we can sometimes miss out on the reward of obedience.

Step two is easier and more immediately rewarding even though, if we had taken step one AND THEN TWO we would have gotten more out of step two (track with me). We would have been wiser and more equipped for what we had to do. There is also the issue of skipping steps and never returning to square one because you got distracted and are now “busy”.

“G-d, step one is harder and I really just don’t want to. So I know you’ve given me every sign in the world that leads there… but step two is also beneficial for others so I’m just gonna go ahead and move forward.

Look, G-d! I’m being productive! I got this.”

WRONG.You very much DON’T have this.


 There is so much importance on timing and yes, while you can spend your time doing beneficial things for others, what painful, stripping, purifying, life changing step are you not taking? You can move forward, that’s the scary part. And you WILL be used if you’re willing, which is terrifying. Half hearted leaders wandering around who refuse to get their crap together and worse, they won’t let anyone else know that they are broken.

I’ve done it long enough to know when I’m taking the second step just to distract myself from the first.

I might not know you well enough to call it out, but you do. That’s why I write. Well that and I’m a super nerdy homeschooled kid who happens to express herself best through writing… And usually I write because G-d is dealing with me, and social media is public accountability.

((Really I just enjoy it))

So I pray G-d messes you up as much as He is messing with me. Take the first steps. Take the hard steps. Yes “But, life will be easier if I can just get______” but your reward is in obedience.

There are people on the other side of that – and you’re cheating yourself and them if you skip to what is easy.

I wrote a letter. Have fun with your day.

:: In time, Child, healing is coming and a love so deep will appear.
In time, Child, your wounds won’t bleed and you’ll grow out of all of your fears.
In time, Child, though now it’s hard, the sun will shine and bring joy. For in this time, Child, you’re learning to cope and most of all, trust in the LORD” ::