Lately, I have been asking Jesus to help me love people better. I never felt I was very good at it because I’m a task orientated person. I’m a thinker and most of the time I feel (teehee) like emotions are irrelevant to the decision making process. I feel like I walk too quickly sometimes to seem approachable; and I always look busy, when in all facts – I just walk REALLY quickly.

I asked Jesus to help me love people better and He didn’t make my heart any bigger – He just gave me more people to love.

I asked G-d for more creativity and for ideas to be downloaded into my heart and I feel like all I’ve gotten is more weird dreams. Not like, “I have a dream that one day… my future will be like __________” but like, I go to sleep and dream of a giant praying mantis in my bed or a mix of my cousins and people I used to work with in the same building treating porn as if it was a family movie night, or sometimes hiking on a mountain and suddenly I’m in a dentist chair and my teeth are falling out. But you can’t forget the classic Chilismare… you’re in Chili’s working but you’re working with the worst manager ever and none of your co-workers came in that day and the entire restaurant fills up at once and you’re slowly running your head off all while sinking into the floor, which is now quicksand.

I have CRAZY dreams; I asked Jesus for more creativity and now I find myself with more opportunities than ever to input creatively to the groups and people around me.

But what do I have? I have a giant praying mantis in my bed and random people watching porn*.

I have been praying for provision and a job, not like sitting and praying – I apply and chat with people about who is hiring and follow up with calls. So far I’ve gotten an email to tell me they went with someone else and a manager telling me he’ll get back to me. Oh! And I got put on a list of a future interview the next time they do interviews.

I asked for provision and it comes in the most last minute, random moment and in friends who care to make sure I have groceries.

I ask the Lord every time I post that it would find people in a timely manner and that G-d would use my words to encourage, inspire, and point someone to the only answer I know – Jesus. I asked for the Holy Spirit to move into my man-formed sentences and spelling errors and cover my ‘project’ of words with His own.

I asked for people to find my words AS THEY NEEDED. Yet, when I feel like I’m just typing into the internet and no one is getting anything from this… someone comes to tell me that what I’m doing has encouraged, inspired and moved them more towards Jesus.

But in THAT moment the timing is for me. It’s when I want to give up or stop bothering my newsfeed with yet another “Hey read my blog!” that Jesus reminds me this was HIS calling to me, and though it can feel redundant – my calling IS words – my calling is consistency. 

I miss the mark sometimes, but one thing I can tell you is how gracious and faithful G-d has been. He forgives and restores. My Saviour looks out for me and protects me and encourages me.

I find it SO odd how Jesus responds to me. It never feels like an answer when it is happening but very soon after I’ve gotten over myself, I can look back and see the beauty of His language and timing. I’m learning His language and I’m constantly learning to trust His timing but I also don’t feel bad that I still haven’t figured it out.

* I don’t watch porn, there was not ACTUAL porn playing in my brain – but you know how dreams go – you get that sense of what is happening even though none of the dream makes sense.

* (P.S.) I woke up that morning and had some serious Jesus time for those of you who read this and are still dealing with an addiction porn. I pray freedom and renewal for your mind. I pray that the intense bondage that might be over you be broken right now in Jesus name. I ask that every woman or man or child you’ve ever fantasized about would find a home and healing and that G-d world restore worth inside of them as it has been stolen with every thought that anyone has come up with of them. I pray that the people in the industry would realize the love of our GOOD father in heaven and that they would know inside of them that there is more for them. So much more love. I pray that you, as you read this would feel a release from the pull of porn and that you too begin to love people a little better. – Find Help Here