I’m Halfway Listening To What She Thinks She Knows

Hippie music to enjoy whilst reading my blog

– https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5ASEfYFADs
­ – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMd35tfCiXQ

I enjoy being someone who is readable (no pun intended). I have a lot of people who know me and know me very well. Of these people some of them still enjoy my company and having a laugh or two with me (and at me). The most confusing thing about me is when I’m speaking and don’t even know what I’m talking about, or the fact that I change my mind a lot. But I have decided something – people are allowed to change their minds. I’m a planner. I like my weekends filled with sunshine and my work-weeks packed to full. I like my work schedules a month in advance and my new posts to come out on Fridays. Because of this I often have a difficult time letting myself change things up. Once I have black ink to a calendar I rarely give myself the opportunity to cross it off and reschedule.

Something I’ve learned in the last 2-6 years is the fact that things change. Always.

It then becomes our opportunity to learn how to respond to such things happening because they WILL in fact happen. It used to cause me legitimate anxiety that found it’s home in my stomach when things didn’t go according to a neat schedule and while I still believe it is important to be timely, I have found the freedom of occasionally rescheduling a thing or two. Obviously commitments that are pressing aren’t things to be thrown onto a different date… but you get what I’m saying.

(Please get what I’m saying)

Sometimes, I really like to rant. I get super passionate about a lot of thoughts and things and sometimes I just need to say a lot of words around that subject. I love when I find people who will just smile at me and let me talk. I love when people get me.

Sometimes, I think I’m super sneaky or really good at hiding feelings. Guys and lady-faces, I SUCK at this. I’m a freaking open book and often people can guess what I’m going to say word for word based on the ridiculous smile that I have on my face. I’m not fooling anyone. Except myself. I trick myself into thinking that I’m fooling other people. But I’m not.

Sometimes, I really enjoy people I can just BE with. I love the ones who can be sitting across the room not having a consistent conversation flowing and still just being pleased that they are there. I enjoy company more than conversation and tend to feel like I know you a little better when you spend time with me. It’s like a collaborative investment and I think it’s beautiful.

Sometimes, I don’t have anything to say to G-d. My quiet times can be ironically quiet. I’m not entirely sure if I don’t try hard enough in these times and can occasionally feel guilty when I miss a day journaling. Then I realize: G-d gets me. He knows me WELL and I feel like occasionally laughs at me. He lets me change my mind and doesn’t hold it against me. He keeps my weekends full of sunshine (unless it rains) and reminds me to leave space on my calendar for dates with Him, even if all we are doing is sitting on opposite sides of the room and mutually investing time there.

He lets me rant.

When I think I have something to say He allows me to splurb and blab on and on until I’ve exhausted my passion and thought process to finally come to a conclusion. That I will likely second guess. And change.

He gets what I’m really saying when I actually talk to Him, and He isn’t ever fooled by my replies assuring Him that, “I’m fine”. I don’t think I truly realize how important His character is to me or how much I appreciate who He really is. Sometimes I let weeks go by and feel like I’ve learned nothing about Him and that I’ve gotten no better in my attempts to be a super person (whatever that means).

But as I allow life to change around me and take the turns that it will, I find that He allows ME to change. I love realizing just how much has changed and how much has healed.

I love that He gives me time, investment, love… and that HE GETS ME.

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