(Travel) Back Thursday

Today in class we were challenged to tell the person next to us why we are here. We were asked to remember the reason that we came to college. It has been a great breath of fresh air this week to think on the season that led up to moving to Australia – G-d was doing great things, Oklahoma was the kindest it had ever been to me, I felt closer to my family than I ever had and it was time to leave.

I can’t honestly remember why I was on a plane in January other than the trip here but I wrote this while trying to avoid overthinking. Please enjoy!


Flights are annoying, and boring, and lonely. You have to turn your phone onto airplane mode and just sit. I play Sudoku but eventually that gets frustrating. You can read or write depending on how much space you have to move your elbow from one side of the seat back tray to the other. But mostly, you’re left to be with your own thoughts and feelings. You think about the last time you flew, where you went, what trips you have coming up and so on and so forth. If you’re smart you brought snacks. Thought exploration is exhausting.

      “Here it’s You and me alone G-d, You and me alone.”

Learning how to be alone is going to take me time… I enjoyed being alone once upon a time, for a season. But now as I have been out of that season for a bit of time I don’t really enjoy loads of “alone”. I find time spent with people more valuable and enjoyable because frankly, I’m pretty happy right now and I don’t want to learn sometimes – because I don’t like correction.

So, here I am. It’s a baby flight compared to the 17 hour one I have ahead of me but it’s a good reminder and starter for what I have to look forward to.

Alone time.

I’ve been praying for a family when I get to Australia already. I group of parents that will call me their own and let me cry on their couch when I miss my bloodline; A mom and dad that will possibly let me adopt a puppy under their care (wishful thinking). A couple that will care for me and invite me over for Sunday dinners, a counselor to talk to. There are people in my own life currently that model what they do well. These are positions in my life I don’t care to live without… I’m too old to care if my roommates like me or not. I just need a family to care for me. I am NOT an adult.

I have already started praying for the young girls I will live with (I have an odd feeling they will be young), for their growth while they are there and for their hearts as they take a few years to adventure into education. I’ve already begun to pray for my professors and faculty that they don’t mind my brashness and attitude I tend to write and live with. I don’t know who will be picking me up from the airport but I’ve already begun to pray for them too.

I don’t believe in coincidence anymore. There will be a reason behind my conversations with people, and Lord willing, He’ll maybe use me to draw out things people don’t see in themselves. And may it begin when I am alone… May it start on my plane ride there, with the patient people sitting to my right and to my left as I cry my way from Tulsa to Texas and onto Sydney. I’ve had too many “random choices” that led to G-d moments with random people to think when I walk it isn’t on purpose. When I wake up in the morning it is for no other reason that G-d allowing me to be apart of someone’s story. To show them a little more of the Creators heart wrapped up into who they already are.

If you collect me from the airport that first day in Sydney, know I was praying for you. Future housemates, I hope G-d wrecks you in whatever time we have together at Hillsong. Absolutely levels your foundation and rebuilds and fortifies who you are (whoever you might be). I hope you fight with me, I hope you cry with me, I hope you learn how to share with me and be real with me, I hope you learn how to heal as I learn this walking in healing. I hope we laugh together to the point of tears and spend a few hours exhausting the “next episode” button on Netflix. I’m leaving it in G-d’s hands which makes it more exciting than I can stand.

Teachers… I hope you don’t fail me. (haha, kinda serious though)… I hope you understand what I’ve learned from childhood to now is to be bold about who I am and if you don’t agree I typically don’t care. If you’re right then I’ll learn eventually. And I will admit it to you. But I am already praying what you teach is fully absorbed by my little ol’ self. I want to be a student to the fullest and give you back as much time in my work as what you’ve put into educating us. You are valuable and will be a life changing person for me. Even if I think your class is dumb.

((I hope I don’t have to take any dumb classes.

For those who I’ve been forced to say farewell to and will have to say it to soon… I hope you know how dearly you will be missed and I hope you know how excited I am to leave you. I love having conversations with a lot of you (some of you all are more of a challenge) and I love downloading and learning from you. I am excited to sharpen my skills and thoughts and come back and learn again what G-d has done in your lives and share what He has done in mine. I’m excited to miss you because it’ll make the reunion hug that much more squishy.

Squishy hugs rule.

Reunions are beautiful.

And my friends are freaking great.

So, as I prepare for the flight and the time I have to be alone just know… I’ll probably spam your Facebook with writing. I’d apologize but I really like writing and if you don’t like reading then don’t click on the links 🙂 If you do like reading, be my friend. This is how I process and learn I’m excited to see what there is to see and meet people that will become my adoptive family for a season… And if I get a puppy in the next year I’m gonna freak out 🙂 Thanks for reading if you actually took the time.

I have love for you all.

The First Step in Failure : Scrabit Genesis

#ThinkBackThursday –

So, a lot of you will be new to my writing and ‘story’ if you will… Therefore, I’ve dedicated Thursdays to reflecting back (for you and for myself) on things I’ve previously written. One of my FAVORITE scriptures growing up was Deuteronomy 4:9 “Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.” The revelations and realizations you get from the Father aren’t just for your now: They are for your tomorrow, they are for the future and they are for you to always remember. With that, please enjoy this post I wrote on 26 September 2013:

I actually can not do this alone, I’m afraid of failure in the deepest part of me and I need help. You see, I’ve been numb and I’ve held back so many tears that some of you believed I was strong, and maybe I even convinced myself I was. The closer I get to adventure the more my heart wants to jump out of my body and run straight to it. But this body literally trembles at what could happen if I fail.

But child, I am bigger than your failures… EVEN the tasks you haven’t attempted.

I’m not good at failing because most of the time I’m too afraid to try things I know I’m not good at, so I don’t. My life is in a funny spot right now because there keep being things that I’m unsure of and all I can hear is “Jump, you might fly” so I’ve been jumping and forgetting to breathe. Also not beneficial. But now I feel like I AM in this free fall and there is no going back. I can’t get back to the top of the building because I wasn’t ever supposed to stand there. I’ve begun to learn to let people in and to accept that I can be loved deeply and honestly. I’ve begun to trust that: even when I don’t know what comes next, I’m ok. It doesn’t mean that I have no dreams or goals – it just means I’m in the process of learning something vital for the next season, or something I need to share with someone else for this next season. What blows my mind is the people who believe in me while I don’t know… They truly are the most patient people I know.

And G-d, how patient and kind you have been with me though there isn’t a thing I could do to deserve it.

   I was sitting at a park the other day and saw a man with his dog. They were playing catch but the man would direct the dog to start running even though he still had the ball in his hand. And the dog ran. It wasn’t until the dog was about halfway to his destination that the man would throw the ball. The dog just had to obey even though if I was the dog I’d feel crazy for running after something that wasn’t there yet. But his master knew the entire time what the plan was and instructed the dog accordingly. Seriously, sometimes I swear animals are smarter than we are… and so much more trusting. I wish that I obeyed like that, following when I don’t even see what I’m running towards, heck, even when there literally ISN’T anything I’m running towards. I’ve developed fears, both real and irrational about where I’m going in life. I make myself sick over what is coming up in life and for what? G-d takes care of the birds and how he loves me.

There is nothing as reassuring as the Fathers love.

     I long for more somewhere in my innards, I believe there IS more. It takes a creative mind to look past what others would view as ‘the end’ and realize it is only another beginning. We are given SO many chances to start again and this time it has to be all or nothing. This is my free fall. This is my potential failure. If I jump I HAVE to fly.

I am not brave

I’m just throwing myself out in midair to see if G-d would grab me

Looking over the edge isn’t enough anymore.

     Fear of failure and fear of living has crippled me. G-d, take away my fear so that YOU can heal me.“Nothing cures fear faster than action.” So I’m moving and trying to take action against what I’m afraid of… some of these actions are easier than others, I’m getting to the more difficult ones for sure. My stomach ulcers are proof of that.

     “No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. “Be strong and courageous.”

Hey kid, let go.

Joshua 1

         “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your G-d is with you wherever you go.” WHEREVER I go… everywhere. Lord, you’ve been with me and will go with me. Thank you. G-d, You know me – You’ve been there with me at all times and have told me to be brave because of no other reason than the fact that You are here. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.

         “The fear of the LORD is pure, enduring forever.” Psalms 19.9

G-d, to fear You is pure, not painful or crippling. A Holy reverence that can set me free and make me whole. And once I know You let it be forever on my heart.

         “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me on paths of righteousness for his names sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life. And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.” Psalms 23

         :: And I will call upon Your name and keep my eyes above the waves, when oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace for I am Yours and You are mine. Your grace abounds in DEEPEST waters, Your sovereign hand will be my guide, my feet may fail and fear surround me… You’ve never failed and you wont start now.::

         I no longer know how to fight fear other than take action against it. I want to jump, I want to walk on the waves keeping my eyes on YOU. I heard G-d and He didn’t say no. Sometimes it’s about what He doesn’t say. Point is I heard Him. I hear the Father.

         “Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its root by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. The heard is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”  Jeremiah 17.8-9

The LORD searches the heart and examines the mind.

         “Rejoice in the LORD always, I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The LORD is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to G-d. And the peace of G-d, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praise worthy – think about such things.” Philippians 4.4-8

         Always– every situation and through all things I will rejoice in G-d. My anxiety has been terrible lately and my patience sucks. I’m not sure what exactly to do or what I can do but something needs to change. I don’t want to live the next season of my life like this. So, what do You want to do? How do I hear You now?
                           Please be my strength.

sometimes I’m jealous of the kid on Home Alone, “I’m not afraid anymore”