So, a lot of you will be new to my writing and ‘story’ if you will… Therefore, I’ve dedicated Thursdays to reflecting back (for you and for myself) on things I’ve previously written. One of my FAVORITE scriptures growing up was Deuteronomy 4:9 “Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.” The revelations and realizations you get from the Father aren’t just for your now: They are for your tomorrow, they are for the future and they are for you to always remember. With that, please enjoy this post I wrote on 26 September 2013:
I actually can not do this alone, I’m afraid of failure in the deepest part of me and I need help. You see, I’ve been numb and I’ve held back so many tears that some of you believed I was strong, and maybe I even convinced myself I was. The closer I get to adventure the more my heart wants to jump out of my body and run straight to it. But this body literally trembles at what could happen if I fail.
But child, I am bigger than your failures… EVEN the tasks you haven’t attempted.
I’m not good at failing because most of the time I’m too afraid to try things I know I’m not good at, so I don’t. My life is in a funny spot right now because there keep being things that I’m unsure of and all I can hear is “Jump, you might fly” so I’ve been jumping and forgetting to breathe. Also not beneficial. But now I feel like I AM in this free fall and there is no going back. I can’t get back to the top of the building because I wasn’t ever supposed to stand there. I’ve begun to learn to let people in and to accept that I can be loved deeply and honestly. I’ve begun to trust that: even when I don’t know what comes next, I’m ok. It doesn’t mean that I have no dreams or goals – it just means I’m in the process of learning something vital for the next season, or something I need to share with someone else for this next season. What blows my mind is the people who believe in me while I don’t know… They truly are the most patient people I know.
And G-d, how patient and kind you have been with me though there isn’t a thing I could do to deserve it.
I was sitting at a park the other day and saw a man with his dog. They were playing catch but the man would direct the dog to start running even though he still had the ball in his hand. And the dog ran. It wasn’t until the dog was about halfway to his destination that the man would throw the ball. The dog just had to obey even though if I was the dog I’d feel crazy for running after something that wasn’t there yet. But his master knew the entire time what the plan was and instructed the dog accordingly. Seriously, sometimes I swear animals are smarter than we are… and so much more trusting. I wish that I obeyed like that, following when I don’t even see what I’m running towards, heck, even when there literally ISN’T anything I’m running towards. I’ve developed fears, both real and irrational about where I’m going in life. I make myself sick over what is coming up in life and for what? G-d takes care of the birds and how he loves me.
There is nothing as reassuring as the Fathers love.
I long for more somewhere in my innards, I believe there IS more. It takes a creative mind to look past what others would view as ‘the end’ and realize it is only another beginning. We are given SO many chances to start again and this time it has to be all or nothing. This is my free fall. This is my potential failure. If I jump I HAVE to fly.
I am not brave
I’m just throwing myself out in midair to see if G-d would grab me
Looking over the edge isn’t enough anymore.
Fear of failure and fear of living has crippled me. G-d, take away my fear so that YOU can heal me.“Nothing cures fear faster than action.” So I’m moving and trying to take action against what I’m afraid of… some of these actions are easier than others, I’m getting to the more difficult ones for sure. My stomach ulcers are proof of that.
“No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. “Be strong and courageous.”
Hey kid, let go.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your G-d is with you wherever you go.” WHEREVER I go… everywhere. Lord, you’ve been with me and will go with me. Thank you. G-d, You know me – You’ve been there with me at all times and have told me to be brave because of no other reason than the fact that You are here. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.
“The fear of the LORD is pure, enduring forever.” Psalms 19.9
G-d, to fear You is pure, not painful or crippling. A Holy reverence that can set me free and make me whole. And once I know You let it be forever on my heart.
“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me on paths of righteousness for his names sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life. And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.” Psalms 23
:: And I will call upon Your name and keep my eyes above the waves, when oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace for I am Yours and You are mine. Your grace abounds in DEEPEST waters, Your sovereign hand will be my guide, my feet may fail and fear surround me… You’ve never failed and you wont start now.::
I no longer know how to fight fear other than take action against it. I want to jump, I want to walk on the waves keeping my eyes on YOU. I heard G-d and He didn’t say no. Sometimes it’s about what He doesn’t say. Point is I heard Him. I hear the Father.
“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its root by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. The heard is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17.8-9
The LORD searches the heart and examines the mind.