Words

The One Beautifully Broken

Posted on by lainamunoz

This scripture has been very much on my heart and mind this week. I have been in Acts and sharing with my housemate what I remembered writing around this (so naturally I found my writing from 2010 to post this week). G-d reminds me daily to be interruptible in my routine, even when I’m doing what I’m ‘supposed to’.

So I suppose you could say this is also what I’m currently (re)learning. Enjoy this #ThinkBackThursday

One day Peter and John were going to the temple to pray.

One day Jesus was traveling to be about His father’s business.

One day I was weak and in need of healing.

The cripple was placed in the same spot by the same gate to beg. That’s all he could do was ask of others to cater to his needs. He was to the point of not being able to help himself – the man couldn’t walk. His ankles were weak. He asked for money. Peter and John looked at him “Look at us!” Peter said –

G-d, you have my attention – I’m weak and I’m put in the same place everyday to wait on others to give to me. Because I am weak, because I have nothing more I can do.  –  I believe the LORD of all creation asks us to look His way when we’re looking for help – G-d let my attention be on you.

The man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them. I don’t believe he did this rudely or unwillingly… What are you expecting from G-d when He demands YOUR attention? ARE you expecting something from G-d when He calls you to attention?

Peter said… I have no money (even if he did I’m not sure he’d offer it to the cripple) “In the name of Jesus Christ” –

In the power of the Lamb
In the authority of the King
In the ability of the almighty

WALK

((G-d where are You trying to speak life into me?

Peter took him by the hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man’s feet and ankles became strong. – He began to walk.
Lord, what is it in me that you want to strengthen? In an INSTANT the man’s life was changed. In a second he was restored. Right away he was helped up and made STRONG to walk.

G-d you offer strength to your kids and many of us are crippled. Waiting by the gate paying no mind even to people willing to help. G-d if you’re trying to get our attention let us focus onYOU.

YOU tell us to rise
YOU cause us to walk
YOU give us full strength

G-d let us listen.

Acts 3:1-10

1″One day Peter and John were going up to the temple at the time of prayer—at three in the afternoon. 2 Now a man who was lame from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. 3 When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. 4 Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, “Look at us!” 5 So the man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them.

6 Then Peter said, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.” 7 Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man’s feet and ankles became strong. 8 He jumped to his feet and began to walk. Then he went with them into the temple courts, walking and jumping, and praising God. 9 When all the people saw him walking and praising God, 10 they recognized him as the same man who used to sit begging at the temple gate called Beautiful, and they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him.

What I Didn’t Mean To Learn

Posted on by lainamunoz

Random comforting verse of the week: John 21:25 (NIV)

“Jesus did (many) other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written.”

I was reading Acts this last week and when I had first started and was getting into the meat of the first two chapters I found myself looking back through the verses a few times. One of the last times I came back to the beginning of Acts I had a great revelation, it’s just that the revelation wasn’t on what I was actually reading. The verse previous caught my attention from earlier in my life when I felt the need to mark underneath these words with black ink.

We find this verse at the very end of John, after he had written about all that Jesus had done in His lifetime here on earth. After the birth and journey to protect the newborn King, after the unaccounted years of being a preteen and a teenager. ((I wonder if Jesus found any girls attractive growing up? Honestly, I bet He found everyone attractive growing up, He didn’t see people when He looked at people. I have to assume He saw the image of G-d.)) We find this verse after Jesus’ adventures in carpentry and all of His time in the temple learning the Holy Scriptures. We find it after He calls the disciples and travels with them. After He feeds the crowds, heals the sick, brings the dead back to life, casts demons out, turns water into wine, sees the blind receive their sight (pun intended), the leper’s healed and restored, people comforted, women given their dignity back and many others impacted by love. We read this verse after the betrayal by one of Jesus’ companions, after He was beaten and at no point cursed those who spit on Him. We read this after He was handed over to be crucified and after He had passed away.

After He rose again, after He sent us out.

AFTER all of these things and many more it tells us that Jesus accomplished so much that if every one of them were written down we wouldn’t have room for the books of His goodness and faithfulness on this earth.

It really got me thinking, if I spent my life just writing about what He has done for ME I wouldn’t have room on the Earth to brag enough. My blog posts would be so long my mom might not even read them. The internet would break.

But, that’s slowly becoming all that I want to do. Man, if I could just sit with people and tell of His faithfulness… if I limited my story to JUST HIS FAITHFULNESS we’d still be here all day. If I spoke of nothing but His grace I would run out of breath before I got to the depth. If I only told you about His love for me you’d be as heartbroken as I am over what I’ve been given.

I suppose that’s where they come up with songs like, “I could sing of Your love forever”. Or maybe that’s how the angels and elders in heaven never could ever get sick of singing “Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord G-d Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come” (Revelation 4:8 KJV) I lately have been dreaming of the day that I get to sit before the throne and sing with them. I wonder what melody they’re singing. I wonder if everyone sings the same thing or if its a compilation of everyones individual songs. I still think whatever it is, that it’s beautiful.

This verse – along with peaking my wonder – gives me such a comfort in knowing that I can do my best for my entire life and it still won’t be enough, nor will it be too much. I can’t exhaust the name or holiness of Christ. I can’t speak or write or sing enough and even when I have filled my lifetime doing, so I can still do more. This scripture was just talking about Jesus’ life on earth, and now we have 2000+ years more of the impact that He left and what it has done for each of us. I don’t have to be weary in wondering what I will continue to write about. There is no limit to His goodness and for that I literally am eternally going to thank Him. 

((These thirty-three words have just done me in this week. Christ is eternally good. Remember that.

Scrabit : Renew

Posted on by lainamunoz

Growth is a beautiful thing, I have no one but G-d to thank for increasing consistency in my life. Passion will take you far and people will push you forward but I actually have no idea how I’ve remained consistent this semester apart from Jesus actually just allowing me to speak and think and write and grow. I’m so thankful for the growing even when it’s painful and lacking in beauty. Jesus do what You will.

What do you do when things take longer than you expect?

What I am doing right now?

Right now I’m on a 30 day challenge that is taking me more than 30 days… sometimes a challenge turns more into an adventure and might just take 45 days, or maybe 60. But, the challenge is what will always be there; to create and produce and meditate and give 30 days of yourself.

If you’ve been following anything I’ve posted you’ll realize that I am not daily. I am an inconsistent person. I will never admit I’ve reached perfection and please never have that mindset for me. I am human. I will fail. I will be forgiven.

NOT because I’ve earned it but because G-d sees me as worth it.

So what then? I’m left feeling a little less of myself because I can’t be consistent with something I love doing anyway. But why am I doing this? Is it to have a month of scrabits* for people to read? Or is it to have a goal to set and make, no matter how getting there looks like?

I’m now in my 5th semester of college (my 5th semester of community college) my Junior year and I’m still finishing my associates because well… I stretched my 2 year challenge into a 3 year adventure. And quite frankly, I hated it for a while. Yet, I’m here for a reason. There is a reason I still walk the halls at the North East and Southeast campus and there in a reason I will be there for one more semester after this. It can get discouraging when you don’t exactly know the reason but knowing that G-d still has the master plan is quite a bit comforting.

The Israelites wandered the desert for 40 years waiting on their view to change. I don’t believe G-d is calling me to TCC for 40 years but while I’m still there I’ll be working on giving my art, on giving myself and on looking for the people who might need me. Or the ones I need.

I’m not sure much of what else this is other than a confirmation that I’m still in. Sometimes I think I just need to remind myself of that.

            … let the journey continue.

Psalms 51.10 “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”

*Scrabit – a blurb; a short document of developed or underdeveloped thoughts; a conglomeration and combobulation of random thoughts that have intentions of letting you know you’re not the only person who’s thought that way.

When I Consider Your Heavens…

Posted on by lainamunoz

G-d has taught me a lot since my 18th year here on earth. But what He does for me still blows my mind and makes it hard to do anything but praise.

May I always sing Your praise

Enjoy this #ThinkBackThursday

23 July 2009

As much as I want to tell you how excited I am about You… I must admit that I feel inadequate to sing most of the time. I start praying and I feel like I’m stopped abruptly with thoughts of “you’re not worthy to praise Him. Nothing you could offer would repay”
While that is completely true, it seems as though you still accept everything I have to say to you. Why you take time to listen? Shoot, I’ll never know.

Psalms 8.3-5
“When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honor.”

Shoot guys, did you catch that? G-d made us right under heavenly beings… like… you got G-d and Jesus and the trinity…. Heavenly beings… Then us?
Seriously? Why?

All I know is G-d is good…. and if that’s how He says it’s going down, you better take it and run with it.

I guess my mind is just blown right now so I’m not sure if you needed to read this… but I needed to write it.

((Hey, maybe someday when you really need it… it’ll be sitting here.

Why I Want To Be A Writer

Posted on by lainamunoz

Writing has always been a way of processing for me, I get to think through whats going on with my life and download it honestly to my paper without too much harsh judgement (though I’m a pretty bad critic when I’m reading my own stuff). But there is a huge difference between writing and being a writer.

I’m still learning how to be a writer (and then the adventure is to be a GOOD WRITER) but some of the reasons I’m even trying is that:

1) I’m 24 – which is pretty much the peak of all wisdom and opinions. You have learned a lot by this age and have the boldness to share what you’ve learnt but lack the stupidity of when you were 18 and just didn’t know the appropriate times to share your wealth of wisdom. In reality though, I am probably the most aware of how much I have to wake up and tell G-d that I need Him because I don’t know what I’m doing without him. But I DO think we have pretty good opinions.

2) I’m going to be old some day – I was riding home on the bus from the city and saw this beautiful old woman in a dark blue coat sitting there. She had a bandage on the back of her hand and was carefully putting on her black leather gloves. She didn’t seem like she could be bothered with anything going on or the traffic that we were sitting in and all I could think about is if she was a writer. If she was some classy old woman who had loads of stories that she was just dying to share or if she didn’t think too often about leaving her history with the world that she was closer to leaving than myself. All I know is that I looked at her and saw some classy old lady who I desperately wished was a writer. So, instead I’m going to be a writer. And by the time I’m her age my goal is to write more books than Joyce Meyer 🙂 wishful thinking.

3) I love reading – leaders are readers. I have had many books shape the way I have seen Christianity, Christ, The Bible, Adventure, Love and the Warrior heart within us (see below for a list of books that I think are awesome). These books have molded me into a sharper thinker and a thankful human being. They’ve pushed me to grow and expand my way of thinking and brought me closer to the heartbeat of Jesus. I want to give the same feeling of finishing a book and being called to an adventure so I’m probably going to keep writing and praying that G-d does something with that.

4) It’s what I want to do – it’s pretty simple guys. I’ve wanted to write a book for a while. Gotta start somewhere.

But, I suppose finally it has to do with the fact that it’s who I was created to be. G-d knew from the beginning that I’d love words and books and I think through that He gave me a strong conviction with words. I like to keep silent unless I have something I need to say and I like to think through that something if I think I should really say it. The largest compliment my heart can receive is that I communicate well. And the biggest accomplishment I plan on achieving in the next three years is graduation college and signing my first printed book to give my parents for Christmas.

Find what you love to do. These were just my thoughts for the day.

((Laina’s list of awesome books that she thinks is awesome))
Scouting the Divine – Margaret Feinberg
The Barbarian Way; Artisan Soul; Uprising; Soul Cravings – Erwin Raphel McMannus (probably my favourite author)
Closer Still – Scott Evans
Radical – David Platt
The Sacred Romance; Epic – John Eldredge
In a Pit With a Lion On a Snowy Day – Mark Batterson
Outliers: The Story of Success – Malcom Gladwell
((These are just a very few))

18 Years Old… Dang

Posted on by lainamunoz

News: I sometimes forget what I prayed for and then get surprised by the seasons that I walk through when they’re exactly what I prayed for. But it’s good to go back and remember.

In other news: Stay tuned tomorrow for a #DoubleFeatureFriday with a Conference debrief and life update.

Jesus Bless you all!

G-d,
don’t let me be the one to stand in my way of Your future for me.
I have no idea where I’m supposed to go without You.
I don’t expect to be anything without You.
I know that I am the only thing to limit what You have for me.
So G-d,
Push me out of the way and override my spirit.
Take full control because I can’t do anything better than what You have.

I can’t dream bigger than what You have.

I refuse to live apart from who You want me to be.

Let me stand in the way no longer.
Let me be fully surrendered to You.
I never want to look back.
I never want to wish my life had gone a different way.
I never want to cry myself to sleep from loneliness or hurt.

G-d,

Don’t let me be offended easily.

Don’t let me be weary when I feel like I’m the only one.
Push me out of the way G-d.
Take my life and leave me with no control.
It’s yours G-d.
My future.
My present.
My heart.
My dreams.
My aspirations.
My fears.
G-d I can’t keep any of it for myself.
Use it ALL Lord.
-LJ

:: Take my hand, I give it to you.
:: Now YOU own me. All I am.
:: You said you would NEVER leave me.
:: I believe YOU
:: I believe.

Hillsong Conference 2015

Posted on by lainamunoz

I won’t go until You bless me.

Coming soon


pardon me while I bump out and process. 

It’s hard to talk about anything other than this last week, there is so much to think through and process and just meditate on. So… a few blips that I learned this week:

  • Pastor Brian – “There is power in our words, when we confess the great things G-d has done and what He is going to do – things happen. Faith has a tone and a sound so confess good, speak life.” Have conviction in your words “Does G-d give you His spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard? Galatians 3:5
    What are you confessing? What am I confession? What am I believing for? I’m believing that G-d will do what He said He would and surprise me and take care of me and provide when I don’t know how and do unusual miracles and heal my heart. What am I confessing? I’ll take Joseph Princes’ words and say, “I am the righteousness of G-d through Christ Jesus” and reminding myself that I have worth and that I serve a G-d of abundance so not only do I have enough, I have more than enough. He sees me as more than enough. If you aren’t speaking life, change your confession. Is my confession the same of Christ?
    “Line up your confession with the Word of G-d”
  • Pastor Someone-Who-Spoke-At-Conference – “Until you get comfortable with silence you will never hear the voice of G-d… Stop waiting for a voice and start looking for a verse”
    I’ve known these thoughts for a while, it’s just becoming even more apparent that my season is going to need some serious alone and focused time. Time disconnected and silent before G-d. He has things to tell me. Do I ever disconnect long enough?

    I heard this as I was walking through the hallway at conference turning in attendance and getting my second breakfast, I missed that morning session but was still praying that G-d would say something to me. He told me that I need to learn the silence, which is terrifying for me and something that He’s brought up with me before I just still suck at it. It’s just becoming more and more obvious that I need to sit and wait and sit more.

    Just sit

  • Pastor Joseph Prince – “G-d is not unrighteous to forget your hard work and labor of love”

    that was just good. G-d sees you. He hasn’t forgotten about you.

Honestly, G-d just keeps uprooting stuff in my life to clean out and reminding me of passions that I’ve had longer than I realized and promises He’s made that I can’t let go of. Conference was long and rewarding and tiring and beautifully refreshing. I think it was another one of those times I wish I could just sit down with each of you and a cup of coffee at Shades of Brown in Tulsa, Oklahoma and ramble. And the other half of me is still trying to understand what G-d is doing. Le Sigh.

((Thank you Jesus for this opportunity to love people and learn more about you

Why I’m Not Good Enough For Ministry:

Posted on by lainamunoz

This blog already has enough words. Enjoy.

1) I work in food.

I spend a large portion of time cooking or cleaning the restaurant that I’ve been working at for years. This job prohibits me from being in church every Sunday and Wednesday, being at important and non-important family functions, and sleeping in a normal pattern. In turn, I spend copious amounts of time with about 25 servers and 15 cooks. Some love Jesus, some don’t, and some of them don’t even believe there is a Jesus. I spend up to 45 hours a week with some of them and I get to hear their stories and share with them mine. I listen to them when they’re upset with a guest, or a co-worker, or family member and I try to always push them to do their best in ALL that they do. I don’t always do a good job or remember to keep a smile on, but I do try. To those who allow, I push and pray for.  I get to watch them go through life with the filter of blue jeans and those nasty black polo’s. Some of them know my faults and victories, they know what pain I’ve been through and what I’ve learned.

All I can do is pray that it’s helped them in some way to not live through what I did or maybe just have the hope that after they do,  they will be alright.

I stepped out of many roles in my local church to take up the demanding schedule of management and offended some people by choosing “Chili’s over church”. However, it is what I chose, and if the only other option was to never have met the people I have, then I’m glad it was my choice. I missed things and events but I got to be involved in people’s lives. I found a small group at Chili’s, I got to befriend some phenomenal people. People that I love and will miss if ever I’m not with them (Hey guys, I miss you). They have a special place in my heart and I will never get sick of learning their stories.

2) I am a woman, and women are crazy.

I get too emotionally involved in things that I see and you can’t live by emotion. You cry a lot when you allow yourself to feel and that’s not fun for anyone, your make up (that actually didn’t look like a 4 year old did it that day) runs, and your friends (if they’re around) have to pretend that you don’t look like a hot mess. It’s not entirely a great situation for anyone. No one wins. For a 4 day time slot every month I can be super mad at you and then cry when you actually try to talk it out with me. If you give me caffeine at any point I’m in a great mood. And I’ll complain about my appearance after you compliment me. I can’t think of a compassion filled story without getting a heartache and I have so much pride for my little sister that I cry most of the time she does anything cool. I can’t sing a full song about The Lords faithfulness and not get choked up. I give too much of my time to things that aren’t always worth it and I give too much of myself to people who are only trying to get ahead.

Women can’t speak in public settings because we are so full of bunny trails that men can’t follow what we are saying. So what’s the point in trying? A lot of times I’d love to believe I’m a lot like Ruth: sticking to her promises all the time and working always to get exactly what she needs and being faithful… when really I see myself more often as the woman with the alabaster box so overwhelmed at the forgiveness given to me that all I can do is offer everything I have because even that isn’t enough. I’m moved emotionally to action and repentance; I don’t walk around trying to make up for the things I’ve screwed up. My heartstrings get tugged and I collapse and offer the mess that I become to the Creator and hope it becomes something better than what I left.

I am a woman, women are crazy and if it wasn’t for the patience of a G-d who loves me that would be enough to disqualify me.

But I have to believe this compassion and heart that aches He has set inside of me was meant to be mine. I have to trust that even when I give “too much” and get taken advantage of that it was all in His hands anyway and whatever He wills, will be. I have to know that when I cry its not because I’m a mess and I’m weak but because I’m ALLOWED to feel for people. I’m allowed to weep with someone who is hurting and lost. I’m ok taking time to be mad and scared and crazy because Jesus himself wept over me. He knew I’d be like this. He made me like this.

3) I love writing because I can think through what I’m saying -

when I speak I feel like it doesn’t make sense. Sometimes when I try to words out loud they don’t come out correctly.

I’m not a great communicator, at least I feel like I could be a better one. I don’t monitor what I say before I let it fall out of my mouth and this sometimes causes hurt feelings or people just being butt hurt that I had a better come back than them. I feel more frequently than not that I’m looking at G-d and His requests telling him, “I’m just not the right one” I feel highly inadequate to be given a lot of the opportunities I am because I’m simply not the best at what I do. I found out recently just how bad I am at photography, which I just find comical – I’m just not creative in that aspect about 95% of the time. I like to play piano and ukulele and guitar but I get nervous and mess up a lot. I like to speak but I feel like I could throw up before each time I do unless its in the middle of worship. Jesus tells me a lot in that setting and asks me to say a lot, I believe mostly up to this point what He needs me to say out loud is typically for me. Kind of public confession/accountability sort of a thing, but also, I’m just realizing how freeing it is to tell your stories. People learn from one another. And especially WHEN I DO mess up what I’m saying and someone still tells me they needed to hear it

I realize all the more that the result of the Gospel is the result of the Gospel, it is NOT the result of my attempts to share the Gospel.

So, yes, I stumble and fumble and say the wrong thing. My thinking isn’t perfect, my talents are not the best but I have had an opportunity to grown and become something more useful for what G-d wants to do in this world and in ME.                ((And that’s pretty cool.

4) I was married – but now I’m not.

Life isn’t supposed to go that way. “When something is broke you fix it you don’t throw it away.” In some Jesus denominations you can’t be in a pastoral/leadership position if you’ve been through a divorce, I’m not here to change your stance one way or another on if that’s right or wrong, or fair or harsh. I’m just stating the fact that on legal pieces of paper my marital status isn’t “Single”. If you know me very well, you know my story; if you kind of know me, you know the readers digest version; if you don’t know me and you tripped across my gofundme account (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgaQ23dFtQg) or Merge Video blog (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgaQ23dFtQg) you at the very least know that I’m divorced. I didn’t at the time think what I went through was fair. I was mad. I waited until I was married for sex, I worked at church, I grew up serving in almost every age of ministry I could be apart of, I led a family group, I led a worship team, I helped with the drama team, I was in line and could have worked my way into being a Junior High pastor. I was in love; I was 21 and extremely happy. I loved being around people and telling stories I had hopes, dreams, drive and ambition. And then I got mad. I got chosen over. I wasn’t good enough in my prime; I wasn’t good enough when I was the princess of the day. This is more difficult to write about because I’m still a firm believer that people do change (going back to the being a woman and crazy) I believe the best and sometimes get taken advantage of. But I don’t feel its fair to say my ex is the pit of disgust and should have a terrible life because of what happened. I gave up everything to take a break and learn how to do the ministry of marriage. And I was chosen over.

Yet, I have been unfaithful to my creator and His forgiveness is awesome.

Literally, I’m in awe of what He has done for me. I didn’t want there to be a G-d because that way I could react whatever way I saw fit and not believe there was something up there with a broken heart over me. I wanted so badly to be alone and just die because if He wasn’t real it wouldn’t have mattered. But I’m still here. I had friends telling me to get off my couch and get some sunshine and air. I wanted there to be nothing and for everything to mean nothing. It didn’t work; I broke and realized there IS something because I’m not done being me. I’m not finished learning how to love and forgive and seek forgiveness. I’m not done being loved. The Lord has given us love and forgiveness we don’t deserve and cannot repay because we are sinful. The majority of us will go through a moment, or trial, or piece of a story that gives us the opportunity to walk away from everything we know and believe in.

I’m grossly hopeful, it gets better –

no matter what you’re going through,

it gets better.

I swear, no matter how painful the heartache, IT GETS BETTER. G-d showed us His forgiveness clearly with the story of Hosea, He called Hosea to marry a prostitute. He called him to a union of unfaithfulness. He told Hosea to love her, over and over again to find her where she was, whoever she was with and take her back and love her. He did this to show what He has done for us. While we were STILL sinners, Christ died for us. So I have a red letter in my marital status… Could G-d have used it? Yes. Would life of been different if I chose to stay? Yes. Life changes constantly and I chose what I did.

I’m here now and at peace with where “here” is.

My Story is a huge part of Australia. G-d knew the outcome and He knew my heart the entire time. And HE still loves me, HE still knows me and HE still treasures me.

5) I don’t like pretending I’ve got my life together – I pretty openly admit I don’t know everything – or even what I’m doing.

I’m too honest and probably share too much… like, all the time. I believe too firmly that I can sit before my Father as I am and let Him deal with me as I am. I tell Him when His word doesn’t make sense to me, and I tell people who I’m talking to when it doesn’t make sense to me as well. I believe firmly in grace and because of this I no longer give myself stomach ulcers trying to be a “good” person. I try to love and give but when I screw up I believe in the forgiveness already given to me. I’m not the best witness in the world because I can’t explain everything there is to being a ‘Christian’ even though I grew up in church. I have a decent amount of blind faith in that this is the only thing that has made sense so far so this is what I do.

This is the only way the heartache eases

the panic attacks settle

the joy is restored and the hope is in full swing.

So this is what I do. I love on Jesus and let Him love on me. I’m not good at being a good Christian. I take scripture too literally, I don’t like to dice it up. I question the context of what someone is preaching on and wonder if the author ever really intended for us to use it the way we do sometimes. I believe you can sing and watch chains fall, I believe in prayer actually working when we bring our requests to G-d, I believe all things work together for good even when they suck really bad. I believe in favor and that G-d is going to let me accomplish my “bucket list”before I go, even if it doesn’t look like what I have planned. Heaven forbid I actually believe. It’s not the practical thing to do nor is it useful for planning your next move in whatever ministry you are doing. I feel like a wildcard because I don’t agree with everyone all the time. And then I get vocal and post my disagreement in snide tweets or Facebook statuses, mostly to be funny, mostly because I don’t mind being wrong. My opinions are subject to change because I learn something new about what I’m doing weekly. All in all I’m kind of a brat. Brats aren’t good leaders.

So, I’m sorry I’m not the best candidate but I feel called. I’m sorry I’m wrong sometimes but I’m willing to listen and learn where other people know more. I’m sorry that I have a blemish on my marital-ministry badge but I believe in forgiveness and freedom. Sorry I’m a woman, but I’m not sorry – haha, we are crazy cool. ((I’m sorry that last line was so cheesy.))

I’m mostly sorry if I ever skip and opportunity to be real and open with you all.There is too much importance in life and the actions we take and the conversations we have to not live openly. So it might not look like it used to, but my under qualified self has been living out what it means to be Jesus as best as I’ve been able to. So whatever ministry I fall into, I hope I do ok. G-d knows what He’s doing with me, even when I don’t feel like me is enough.

*Note: Please understand the utter sarcasm throughout this blog and the healing that I’ve come to know as mine. A lot of this was tongue-in-cheek as it stands now. At one point these were the things that bound me. But G-d has done a work that I cannot keep to myself or explain. He is good. I am not.

But He loves ME.