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I Don’t Believe In Fear

Posted on by lainamunoz

 

Story Time With Laina at it’s finest.

Some tunes to read to

I’m on top of the world today, and by that I mean I swam under the world with giant sea turtles, massive stingrays and sharks ranging from 1-3 meters long. I couldn’t have been more excited unless you told me I had a dinosaur of my own.

We showed up and got (wet) suited up and were taken to a small pool where two turtles had already come by to say hello and make sure we were fully trained with our underwater breathing gear. We got in the pool and one by one were strapped in with an oxygen tank and handed a mouthpiece to start breathing through. I was given a mask that looked less than flattering on my partially Native American cheekbones and told it was time to start breathing underwater. We were told to put our faces under the water and keep our ears where we could hear them for the next bit of instructions.

Breathe Normally.

Breathe in and out of your mouth. I know that sounds simple for some of you obnoxious mouth breathers currently walking around the earth, but for me, trusting that I wouldn’t die if I tried to breathe in through my nose accidently was terrifying. I actually was given to a second instructor to walk me through one on one and talk through everything. She assured me of the facts that I already knew; that the mask wouldn’t fall off, that the oxygen tank had more than enough for our dive, that my natural survival instincts will take over and in the aquarium tank I wouldn’t even think about how I was breathing but my body in fact, would breathe.

Take deep breaths… 1, 2, 3, in… 1, 2, 3, out…

The instructors made their way through the little manhole from the pool to the aquarium with the fish, turtles, rays and sharks and the other 3 people I was diving with went through. Right before the person in front of me swam into a 30-minute adventure – I got on my knees and tried to practice not dying underwater. I instantly wanted to give up. Then realizing everyone was already through my only option was to leave alone or fight fear.

Fun fact about me… I LOVE SHARKS.

For me, getting in a tank with jagged-toothed, 10.5 foot, and 350 lbs. beauties was easy. But trusting in what I was given to get there was hard. Sometimes fear comes not from what is ahead but from the equipment you have to move ahead. Sometimes I have issues trusting what I’ve been given to be enough for the journey.

You can sometimes see what is coming, we are diagnosed with cancer and told we will go through treatment, it will be hard but there are facts about what we can expect. We are dealing with the loss of a loved one and we are told to see grief coming but not to worry – there are steps that are known and trained help to get you through. We prepare for our university exams that will make or break our career choices and can see it coming by the date the teachers have set. We get a birthday gift to swim with sharks and research the breed to a make sure how tightly you can hug it before it gets irritated and tries to hug you back… with it’s teeth.

What is coming isn’t often as scary because we know it’s coming. But trusting that YOU have enough inside of you to make it becomes a risk. Are you strong enough to fight after chemo leaves you weak? Are you brave enough to plan a funeral and still let you emotions breathe and not shove them into hiding? Are we intelligent enough for exams or do we need to get a day job? Will the oxygen in the tank run out?

Are we equipped?

Do we have enough for the journey?

G-d, is Your Word REALLY enough?

I’ve recently decided that I don’t believe in fear anymore; not to say it doesn’t exist, but I’ve tried to redirect the emotions that I might have once called fear and accept them as something else. Am I really afraid? Or am I nervously excited? Can I call this something else so that one word doesn’t take a hold of what I am and how I function?

When you put your BELIEF into something you feed it. It gets bigger and bigger until it paralyses you from doing what you want or need to do.

I refuse to get there; I don’t have time to believe in something so strongly that it won’t help anyone. I don’t have time to be too afraid to move when the adventure is forward, and when the things ahead are prepared for. I can’t fall back simply because I don’t think I have enough.

I can’t fall back simply because I don’t think YOU have enough, Lord. I trust that what You’ve equipped me with is more than enough to carry me through. I KNOW there will be bumps along the way but I know that you will sustain me. My tank wont run out. You have me. 

 

Dear Children,

Posted on by lainamunoz

#ThinkBackThursday… jumping back to New Years 2009 which would have just made me 19. I remember thinking how blessed I was to have the authority of Jesus speaking in my defense for all of the sins I had, have, and possibly will commit. What a beautiful thing that is. So, I suppose since it’s Thanksgiving in the USA I’ll take this time to say:

Thank You, G-d.

“ I write this to you so that you will not sin . But if anybody does sin (which I know you do, and will) we have one who speaks to the Father IN OUR DEFENSE — Jesus Christ, the Righteous (Right Living) One.”

G-d, I’ll never understand why on earth you love us so. You KNEW we would be a wicked and sinful man, that we would make horrible decisions on our own, that we would repent only to forget where we came from and have to get on our knees again. And yet, you let your only son come and be our voice of defense. We don’t deserve this… In any way, shape, or form.

“HE IS the atoning sacrifice for OUR SINS(?), and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world.”

(?) It’s not fair that YOU, YHVH, should have to take all of my sins. But I know G-d, that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. The only thing I could think to do is lighten my burden  on Your Heart by living as purely as I can for you.

“We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says, “I know him,” but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, G-d’s love is truly made complete in him . This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.”

((G-d I want to KNOW you. Completely.

The New Year always reminds me to look back on the past year and reflect on all that has happened. It just so happens that I was reading 1 John about the PURE, AMAZING, and HOLY LOVE of G-d. The New Year is a chance to start again, to read so that I might not sin, and when I do… to come before the broken lamb of G-d and repent. Not because I want a clean slate before I go back into the world, but so that I might seek His heart and find what exactly His plan for me is. I don’t want even the smallest desire to continue a mundane life stuck here in the earthly realm of things.

I have a very big G-d, Oh! And He’s ALWAYS by my side

1 John 2.1-6 (NIV)
My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says, “I know him,” but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God’s love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.

You’re Doing It Wrong

Posted on by lainamunoz

 

My Puerto Rican J-Lo (Jen Nieves) and I are Pastoral-Creatives. It’s that mix of people who care too much about people to leave them alone but still like to play with finger paints. Or if you want, you can join me in viewing our personalities as hippies. Love music. Love art. Love people.

Always.

At one point or another we (at the very least I) tried to run away from this very odd inner draw to help the A.D.D. Christians still love G-d. But it is who we are and there is no escape.

But G-d couldn’t just leave me alone with the desire to write music, sing and preach and teach… He also allowed my life to become introverted (I need to recharge without people) NOT shy (I’m too full of myself and my insecurities to carry on a conversation)((pride)).

Thanks G.

Oilvia [my sweet as drummer friend (I’m totally name dropping today)] and I were talking yesterday about the conclusion of our first year at Hillsong College. We were discussing what was difficult for us the first year that we still haven’t ‘dealt’ with… What are we still working on?

For me: which I’m assuming you want to know because you are still reading – this was community. I explained my thoughts on how I walked through my first year and how at the end of it, if I’m being as overly honest as I always tend to be, I feel like not that many people know me. Now – the KNOWING ME isn’t the important part, the GIVING MYSELF, my time, my energy, my investments, my open heart, my very unique part of the body of Christ is important. It IS important because I am also shy. I dealt this last year with being so concerned with myself and insecure that I didn’t give all I felt I could have.

Now, I’ve recently written about this so I don’t want to get too much into what I already wrote about… But I will reiterate the importance of being in community. We are better together and we were never meant to do this alone. If I could just encourage, challenge, tell you to, force you to READ the Bible… that would be awesome, but for the sad fact that the majority of you struggle to get a daily time to sit and process with G-d I’ll chop some up here for you.

“Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching”

Hebrews 10:SomewhereBetween24-25 (MSG)

Guys and Gals, I have NO idea how to encourage someone that I’m not around. Nor do I know how to encourage if I’m only concerned for how bold I feel that day or how crazy I think my hair is partying that day.

“Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.”

Galatians 6:1-3 (NLT)

Ewww… Pride isn’t pretty on ANYONE, especially shy-pride.

“Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.  If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.”

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NLT)

 

//Changed and changing still//

Thank G-d I’m not the same that I was and thank G-d that I will not remain the same that I am.

I’m verbally and electronically committed to community – I’m committed to lunches and coffee dates. I’m committed to my housemates and practicum team. I’m committed to showing up, being there and giving me. And if the Lord is willing all of that will be useful.

G-d, as always, you have my permission to make me look more like you and less like myself. You have my permission to make me look more AT you and less AT myself. You have my time, my energy, my investments, my open heart, and my very unique part of Your kingdom. Here’s to all the people time I need next year.

*Random PSA I found online – if you feed the toilet paper to the back of the roll and not the front you’re an ignorant, inconsiderate person and you need to grow up.

 

Sucky Sound Systems, Surprising Stories, and Skepticism

Posted on by lainamunoz

G-d is actually beautiful.

I was thinking this morning about how doing #ThinkBackThursday is getting more challenging the longer I do it. It’s weird – I’ve used the majority of my old posts from Facebook (be my friend! If you mention my blog you get a 3% discount on being my friend!) and I was running out of material. I was about to start creeping through my 10 year old journal but, no one REALLY wants to read who I was crushing on at 14.

Lo and behold, I found a post from October 2010 that I don’t recall ever stumbling over in this last year. And wouldn’t you know it… it’s in perfect timing with what I NEEDED to hear this week.

I write for me.  I publish for accountability. I pray that somehow in the middle it might be the encouragement, challenge, blessing or honesty you need. I truly could never say ‘thank you’ enough if you pray for, support me or have been apart of reading my stories. Please enjoy this #ThinkBackThursday

 

Thursday we had a worship night at church and all was going well until Jesse and I here a loud pop in the monitors in front of us. Jesse was roughly 4 feet away from me so I casually and in the full attitude of worship lean over and ask if he can hear Kevin anymore or the piano.

“No”
wonderful.

You see, when we cannot hear Kevin that’s a bad thing. While I have attempted to train myself to just know what key we’re in and sing it in tune the whole way- there is still comfort in being able to hear the piano and KNOW you’re in the same key.

I couldn’t get the attention of our wonderful sound man Steve (thanks for the photo Steven B.) without making a scene so I felt pretty stuck, and then suddenly, the monitor popped back on.

This actually was wonderful.

Unfortunately, our sound system didn’t like leaving people feeling happy and fuzzy so again, the sound went out. I wasn’t sure what to do, there wasn’t much I could do, so instead I just prayed. If I remember correctly it was something like, “G-d, this might be a silly request but… I don’t want to create a distraction with not being able to hear correctly so if at all possible could You somehow make the monitor start working? I mean, I’ll still love You and do my best either way… it’d just be nice”

I felt in that moment like He was legitimately asking me if I’d be surprised if He did, He reminded me of the scripture in James 1.6-7 about coming to G-d with our requests, “Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way…” I felt like He was asking me if I was going to truly believe that He could; if I was going to believe that He would answer something so – in my mind – trivial. In an honest answer back to G-d I said, “I’m not sure.” I couldn’t tell Him that I w o u l d n ’ t be surprised but I remember thinking, “G-d, I don’t honestly know if I will be surprised, I just know that You can”.

((Before I completed my thought the monitor came back on. I smiled.

I don’t know what it was in my heart that shifted to where I just decided to believe. I still don’t understand why I can’t live there constantly. Where I ask G-d without doubt and know that He’ll answer if it’s His will. I’m ok admitting that in my almost 20-year-old mind I still struggle with trying to figure out why it seems G-d answers some prayers right away and on some He waits. All I know is to trust that His word and promise to me are true. And that I must be patient in not understanding because HE knows whats up.

I’m not perfect. I don’t have everything figured out. I’m learning. I’m accepting when I can’t do things alone. I’m committed to the only thing that has never let me down.

I’m His and that’s all I need.

Driving Lessons With Laina

Posted on by lainamunoz

This is unapologetically a songwriter post. Lyrics have always gotten me right in the feelers – at least when they are done correctly they have. I have other friends in the songwriting stream who are absolutely convinced that the music is all that is important in a song, but to me a well constructed story with a beautiful melody is enough to provoke my thoughts for a while.

We were recently singing at a worship night in our lovely home when some lyrics from a very old song just hit me I was captivated.

“You, O Lord, are my strength, my shield

To You, O Lord, may my spirit yield”

I’m such a word-nerd anyway that as soon as the phrase got stuck in my spirit I had to know more about what it actually meant. To Yield: is to give way to. While driving when you yield I get the picture of merging onto a highway – I stop or slow down and look back to see if someone is coming and give them the first go on the path and then I follow suit. You, O Lord, are my strength my shield. You go before me and it’s up to me to stop my spirit, slow down and look to see You coming. I want to live a life where I’m ready to stop or slow down and let you lead the path and guide me. How often do you stop and look back to see if G-d is headed the direction you are trying to go? Is it possible that you can’t yield to what He is doing if you aren’t even headed down the same road? I actually don’t know all the answers but I pray that my heart learns to look for the Saviour and follow after Him.

“You alone are my hearts desire

and I long to worship You”

This is a little on the shorter side but it is something I wanted to share… I feel like I could try to expand on it but all the other words would be filler and less sincere. So I might just leave this as it is. I get in reflective moods and don’t feel like word vomiting. But I hope this finds you as it found me, and leaves you the same as it left me. Realizing the need to be still and know who G-d is and what He is doing. He has good in store for us and if we just look back and see that He is coming the direction that we are headed in becomes a little bit clearer.

Don’t Bore Us Get To The Chorus

Posted on by lainamunoz

Sometimes story time is hard.

Sometimes there is too much going on to focus on just one thing, or lesson or instance that has happened in the last week. I will say that more and more everyday I’m finding that I’m getting involved in things that if G-d doesn’t turn up for then I am screwed. I’m doing more than I expected and all the opportunities I’m graced with being apart of are nothing short of Jesus handing them to me on a silver platter. I don’t deserve the blessings but He keeps pouring them out, and I’m so thankful that He is.

This last week has been focused on creating space and seeking clarity. I just began praying for G-d to show up and I think halfway in my mind I was expecting some great moment where He sat me down and spoke massive and deep revelations that I have never thought about. But that didn’t happen. Instead I had a lot of quiet moments of peace and realizing that:

1) I was alive

2) Worship was sweet

3) If there is no ‘A’ or ‘B’ to choose from then the path is the path (thanks dad)

I feel odd saying I was given peace about being alive but I can’t actually think of a better way to explain it. I was just existing and breathing and drinking tea and sitting in class and cleaning my room and writing – and I was ok. I was responding to Facebook messages from people back home updating me about their lives and some who haven’t quite made it back home traveling around and being awkwardly reassured that my person on this earth is both insignificant and absolutely necessary for this time right now.

Tuesday and Wednesday mornings are becoming some of my favorite times each week. My housemate and I just go to the coffee shop and read and write and chat and allow each other to encourage one another and speak into each others lives… which, if you don’t do that with SOMEONE I would highly recommend it. One of the wonderful parts about having someone to speak into your life is that you have less of a chance to forget who you are. When someone is looking at you telling you from an outside perspective that you HAVE grown and that you ARE gifted and anointed and that they see your faithfulness you feel refreshed and not trapped in your own thoughts. As well as you get to have another person that you encourage and uplift and get to do that for as well.

            So have friends. And be alive.

Worship was sweeter. I’ve grown up in church and have heard several hundreds of song of Jesus’ presence being all we need or His presence being sweet and I do recall time and time again the truth of those statements – but something about this week… and focusing on it just makes it so much better. It wasn’t this over-emotional journey of being with Jesus it was just an overwhelming snuggle-session with the Savior. It was like all the sudden I was comfortable in His presence; not that I wasn’t before but this week has been more inviting.

Finally, the parent conversation…

I text a few of my close friends and my parents asking them to pray for me as I was seeking clarity this week to which my dad asks, “What choices or decisions are you needing to make?” ((well, really… I didn’t)) “Because if there is nothing that needs deciding, the path is the path” ((ugh, dang… thanks for confirming what I was thinking and unsure of for three days))

“I don’t want to simplify it, but if you have a choice of ‘A’ or ‘B’ then you “need” to hear, but if you’re moving forward and there is not a choice… Focus on the now and learn all you can, EXPERIENCE all you can. Live all you can. I wish and pray for you… (remember how I got here) if you are going to fail, fail quickly… fail as often as you need to. Pick up, brush off and carry on.”

So, I have said in previous posts but if you are just joining from this point or only joining at this point I’ll let you know its been a relatively quiet season for me as far as what I FEEL but the only snippet from Jesus I seem to be getting is “carry on with your last set of instructions” which will be different for each one of us but for me its to get quiet, get on my knees and be with HIM. Learn to be still and know that He is G-d. Do what I love. REST. TRUST. BE.

So to take a week of focus and hear nothing but, “hey, why are you seeking for an answer on a question that hasn’t been asked?” really put into perspective my season. If my only option is to continue then what am I worrying about?

Did I wake up today? (y/n)
Did I spend time with Jesus? (y/n)
Did I invest in someone today? (y/n)
Are all of my assessments in on time? (y/y)

Sometimes you just have to (still) move forward. 

Coffee Date

Posted on by lainamunoz

Please allow me to ramble sometimes.

Please allow me to share some of my honest conversations with the LORD.

Please allow me to be transparent so that we might learn something together.

For the most part I try to have a single thought process on what I’m writing about which, as a woman can be extra challenging. Sometimes though, I really just need to talk. So, if you will, pardon my sitting with you and my cup of coffee acting like you are drinking your own coffee… listening to me. 

Thursday morning (yesterday) I woke up, did dishes, checked on laundry, made breakfast and sat down with G-d. All at once it hit me, “what the heck am I doing here? How on earth am I supposed to know how to live out being a Christ follower? Who do I think I am?” I actually for a brief 10 minutes had the revelation that I clearly have no idea what I’m doing. I wouldn’t say I was overwhelmed with doubt but I will say I had every question rolling through my head over what it really means to walk with Jesus… and how I felt was that I was doing an incredibly poor job at that. I felt like I was doing poorly because I all the sudden assumed it couldn’t be THAT simple. There is no way I was doing it right, I wasn’t reading my Bible correctly, or praying enough or right, I was talking too much to G-d and not listening, I was forgetting entirely to address the Holy Spirit in all of my prayers and therefore he maybe wasn’t listening to me. G-d, am I doing this right?

My flat-mates were around the house by this point when one of them brought to my attention a situation her family and friends are dealing with back home. We had absolutely no way of intervening seeing as we now live in a different country and even if we didn’t, there is seriously nothing we can do about it. So we are left with realizing, “hey, we should pray” so we did. G-d helped me remember the verse in Matthew that talks about seeking His kingdom FIRST. That should be our priority and first response in the daily… This is how we follow after Christ. 

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:33-34 (NIV) 

 I overcomplicate things and in turn I forget about grace. G-d has been teaching me about abundance lately. Not only am I given grace but also tomorrow, when the sun rises again out of His faithfulness I will have even more grace. Am I stewarding grace well?

 “As you for, you were dead in your transgressions and sins…But because of His great love for us, G-d, who is rich in mercy made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – It is by grace you have been saved… For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of G-d – not by works, so that no one can boast.” Ephesians 2:1-9 (NIV)((ISH))

 Thank you JESUS that it isn’t about what I can do. Because I CAN’T DO.

I was dead in my sin. I have no hope when I look in the way of what I’ve been through and what I’ve done. I can’t honestly even understand the gravity of the eternal gift I have been given. My heart literally can’t fathom it. But I know what it was like when I was farthest from G-d, I remember all too clearly the pain of being alone and not hearing G-d. I remember the bitterness that came with being mad at Him and feeling like HE had no idea what He was doing.

 “But because of HIS GREAT LOVE for us, G-d who is rich in mercy made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved.” 

 Rich – having wealth or great possessions; abundantly supplied with resources, means, or funds; wealthy. This is our earthly definition of “rich”. According to Forbes list Bill Gates is the richest person alive right now, he is worth $76 Billion dollars (if he ever happens to read this www.gofundme.com/storytimewithlaina give it a read and consider helping a sista out with education) so… like I said, Gaterman is worth more money than I will likely ever see in my life combined and that’s about where our human understanding caps out… But my G-d, is able and does EXCEDINGLY and ABUNDANDLY more than we can ever ask or THINK. Guys, we don’t even understand how big his riches are; we can’t fathom the mercy He has shown us and renews everyday towards us.

To try and bring this back home I’ll say this, I can’t actually mess this up. My feelings are wacky right now but I’m also off of a normal schedule with sleep and breathing time and that’s alright – we knew this two week season was coming and we know that it will end. I don’t know if I’m doing this ‘right’ or not but I know that G-d is faithful even when I feel like I’m a crappy kid. I know that His word is true if I am taking the time to invest it into my heart or not. His love is large if I’m allowing myself to receive it or not. His mercy is new every morning even when I fell asleep on my journal the night before and only got one sentence written out. His grace is endless because it covers me, it covers you, it covers our todays and tomorrows and all of our pasts.

 Jesus, bless this conversation, I don’t feel like it’s much but it is what was on my heart and that’s all that I can give. You know what’s up. You know me and whoever might read this, even knowing us you still chose to love us. Holy Spirit, do what only you can do; without You these are just words and a choppy shot at a blog. Thank you for Your word. G-d may it change me and please help it fix my heart.