jesus blogs

Scrabit : Family

Posted on by lainamunoz

#ThinkBackThursday to not so long ago when I realized a lot about why my relationship with my family meant more to my healing than anything else I could have done by myself. I do miss them, they’re pretty amazing. Enjoy!

It always collapses when I’m alone                  – 2 March 2014

The house has broke one me, twice – both times almost game me a panic attack. I HATE being somewhere unfinished, it makes me uncomfortable and reminds me of me. Which is one of many reasons I had to come home. We’ve been in the process of remodeling for a while and I hate the process. I grew up hating clutter and having lots of things going at once. I threw away birthday cards and went through my closet a few times a month to see what I could get rid of. I love cleaning out the refrigerator because I can get rid of whats old. Its such a simple task. Throw it out. We have a bonus room in the house with storage and keepsakes… so, naturally this was the room to take the hit of the flood. A pipe busted in January in our house in this room, because if you’re going to do damage might as well hit the most you can. This room was PACKED. From front to back, side to side and about 4 feet deep of stuff. When the water came it damaged things. And when we pack things that tightly, and damage it – we need help.

               I love my family – I love my mom and my dad, my brothers and sister.

My ceiling collapsed and it was like G-d opened my eyes. I tried my hardest to not be a packrat and clutter up my things and my life, and yet, I do it in the worst way. Emotionally and spiritually I shove things so far in, side to side, front to back and four feet deep. And until it collapses, I think I’m alright. But it DID collapse and I was alone… I couldn’t do anything by myself. NOTHING. It was simply too much.
My parents got home and mom was overwhelmed, she tried moving things out of the room but when you pack things that deep you need help unpacking. We HAD to call disaster relief people – when we pack junk into our hearts that much its OK to call people to help. We cannot and were not meant to do this alone. I am what I didn’t mean to be, I pack with the intension of unpacking and getting to it eventually when realistically somewhere I know I wont get to it unless I have to; unless disaster hits and insecurities are brought up. Until I lose my best friend and have to reevaluate myself. Until I have a panic attack and am alone crying in my car.

                              I need help unpacking

It’s difficult to be in a home that gives a clear example of my heart. but I need to be here. My parents are apart of my healing. I have a good home life, honestly. I always have. I get to thank my parents for sacrificing all they have to give me every allowance I have had to do whatever I feel called to do. They’ve supported my decisions for the most part, they disagree with my haircuts and one of my tattoos but they let me travel to Ireland when I was 15 to do missions. They let me pick where I felt G-d wanted me when my core group at church split; they’ve allowed me to move back home while I figure out what I’m doing with college; they give and love and have patience that I cannot measure. But satan will do anything and everything from a young age to skew our perception of our families…

My dad and my relationship has never been “bad” ever, we don’t fight and there has never been abuse. He was military when I was young and I don’t honestly remember him being around much. He took me to a daddy/daughter tea at my old church every year and one year he braided my hair for it. I was impressed at the wise old age of 6 or so that he knew how to do that. I have never doubted that he loves me – I don’t remember him being very affectionate growing up. He might of been but again, this is what my perception was. I call my dad or go to him when I hit bottom. He was in Malaysia when I broke up with my first “adult” boyfriend and I emailed him to let him know – He was the first of my family to know my ex had cheated on me (mostly because I figured mom would cry), He’s who I ran to when the next boy I really liked broke my heart and I just wanted to cry. He is the one I call when something breaks on my car. He’s who I called when the house flooded… both times.

When big stuff breaks he’s who I call, I know he loves me and in disaster he will be there but I want him to be my daily-dad. He traveled a lot for work and thats not bad but because of my perception I’ve made him a non-immediate option. He can be there but I wont bother him with the day-to-day unless he asks. But the older I get the more I need him in my day-to-day – I (like many people) project how my relationship is with my dad onto the Father. I know my Jesus loves me… and when I’m under a disaster He will listen when I call and offer fatherly advice but I want more. I want Him to be my daily Father. I want to bring Him the little things and if thats hindered right now because of my relationship with my parents then, well, lets go. I’ve known it for YEARS just not good at being open. I’m not great at communication but I’m stuck in this process of healing and all signs point to my relationship with my parents. And I want them in my life, I want their advice, I want their help, I want them to know I still struggle with fear and that I don’t know what to do about boys. I want to be able to tell them when junk isn’t working. I want my parents to know that they are the next step in my healing but I’ve been afraid to say what I think because I DO love them, and I don’t want them to think they’ve done anything wrong.. There was a break down in my perception and all I know now is to call out how I feel. I also still hate crying.

I’m sick of giving satan this foothold, I NEED my parents. There are people waiting on my healing – there are people on the other side of my obedience and I’m done wasting time.

I’m sick of being afraid of nothing. I’m home to heal.

To the kids, there is a lot you need from your parents if you admit it or not… The relationship you have with them means something in the Kingdom. Stop being a brat and figure out what you can do to improve your relationship and learn from them.

To the parents, thank you for numerous prayers over our lives… I’m sorry for all the heartbreak we put you through. Please don’t give up on us. We are a stubborn generation and need y’all all the more.

…A Little Bit Louder Now

Posted on by lainamunoz

Sometimes I think that we are deafening our culture with our silence. We ignore when G-d asks us to speak because we discredit the people we think need to hear it. We think they wont listen because so many times before, they haven’t. But when we refuse to try anymore we refuse their chance of change – in OUR silence we rob them of that opportunity. We are cowards when we were called to be kings. We doubt people when we are told to forgive. We belittle the power of passion and love and the effectiveness of G-d’s Holy Word.

Why? Because we want to justify ourselves out of the risk of rejection—no one wants to hurt themselves so we refuse to take up the pain of others. For what? Our comfort? Image? Pride?

I’ve heard that “silence is golden” but when there is so much gold around it loses its value. The gold becomes more of a wall that is in the way rather than a single brick. That one brick may be the one person who took the time to listen to someone who was hurting and then offered help.

In our silence may we listen – but, the silence can’t last forever.

The value of silence has gone down and now G-d is looking for people bold enough to speak up and once more call those who are hurting back to Him.

“Come back to G-d, your G-d. And here’s why: G-d is kind and merciful. He takes a deep breath, puts up with a lot. This most patient G-d, extravagant in love, always ready to cancel catastrophe.” Joel 2.13 (MSG)

Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread (and peanut butter and bananas and honey)

Posted on by lainamunoz

I was very recently asked my opinion on the “10 year plan” which at this point in my life is comical because my plans always change. Always. But they asked me, so now I’ll share my thoughts.

I’ve always been a ‘planner’ type and loved carving out those 5 and 10 year plans when I was younger. I’m sure if I remember correctly my 7th grade year would have looked something like this:

·      I want to be a Junior High Pastor (Grade 6-8)

·      I want to be a Christian Music Artist

·      I want to be an assistant to a youth pastor

·      I want a puppy

·      Be a racecar driver

  ((All Of The THINGS))

Contemporary music artist… this is fun, lets fast forward a bit to my 5-10 year plan at around 17 years old:

·      I want a Bachelors Degree in Business Management

·      I want to write a book

·      I want to be a worship leader/in a band 

·      I want to work at a church

·      Be a racecar driver

 

Now, have any of these ended the way I thought they would?

Absolutely not.

My “Junior High Pastor” experience was formed into 7 years of leading WIRED (The Monday after school fellowship/message/game event for 6, 7 and 8th graders between me being 15-21 years old. My “Christian Music” experience was lived out in writing songs and helping to lead at youth, college ministry and various house churches; and continues here in Aussie. I ended up being Assistant to the Youth Pastor and got a puppy so I did that right!                                                                

((madpropsLaina))

            My “Bachelors in Business Management” was learned at Chili’s in Broken Arrow and Pryor, Oklahoma by actually BEING a manager. My writing and publishing has increased to a consistent weekly process for the last 12ish weeks and I have a goal set to outline my book soon. My racecar driving ended up looking like more speeding tickets than I can count or care to remember. 

            My last 10 year plan started with my management position at Chili’s – I had every intention of working management for 5ish years (between 21-26) then move to Ireland and be able to pay for three years of theology school AND travel a year on top of that (I was going to save a LOT of money in those 5 years). I honestly was never expecting to end up cutting that short by 3 ½ years to move to Australia –

 Like, flip. What?! I live in Australia.

What is incredible is that all these dreams I’ve been given and desires I have had were lived out in such a way that they were all far greater that I could have imagined. They WEREN’T what I was expecting but as I’m living through my planned out days realizing how foolish black ink can really be I see that 5/10 year plans kind of suck.

            I function better in “I like this, I enjoy doing this, I’m going to take the open doors that are in line with this thought and direction” I think it’s good to set achievable goals and things you’d like to accomplish and give timelines and due dates, but to say “I’m going to be living here with this job and this much responsibility on my plate and this much free time and this much income” well, that (for me) isn’t practical.

            It doesn’t make sense. Maybe it works for some people but I pretty much have an agreement with G-d whenever I fill out a week of my planner than whatever He wants and whenever He wants to interrupt with whatever He wants me to do or say or path to take – He has permission to alter my schedule. I’ve just had far too many plans fail because they weren’t big enough.

            You see, I was raised in a culture of abundance and G-d has done entirely too much for me. The potential fall here is to see the abundance and somehow assume it’s deserved. At this point we pervert it and it becomes EXCESS. This has been one of the more difficult mindsets to break in my life if we are being totally honest. I am learning and training myself to realize that I have been given enough for today. My blessings and abilities are there to be used in my waking and before I go to sleep. I have EVERYTHING that I NEED so why would I let ANYTHING that is sitting in my hands to use – just sit.

I was given today my daily bread but what happens when I see the bread and think, “Yeah, naturally there is bread because I need it, I’ve earned this bread… so on top of this bread I think I should have some peanut butter and bananas as well. After all if I could have provided the bread than somehow I can make these delicious toppings happen as well” But you see, this is where we start to view our gifts and talents as excess… we see it as something earned and more than we need. What if we believed that G-d answered our prayers for daily bread and then we looked at our blessings and counted them as that instead of looking at all we have and seeing the ‘cherry on top’ mentality?

Your ice cream is sweet enough.

Recently in a pout-fest with my housemate via texting I was wondering what on earth I was doing here. She graciously reminded me,

“You prayed for this, you paid for this and now you are here. Isn’t that enough? Even if you never know isn’t this answered prayer enough?”

I’ve gotten to do everything I’ve ever wanted to do it just hasn’t always looked the same. I got here by doing well with what I was handed; and it is my daily prayer that I continue to see everything I have as daily bread. As something to be used today because tomorrow I’m going to need more and it might not look the same.

Proverbs 16:9 “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.”

So, do what you will… but good luck with that.

I hope I live in a way that sees my blessings as abundance and something to be used, I’ve been given a lot and my heart has had loads of fulfillment in the seasons I’ve walked through. But, it was only there to build upon and not to see as “Oh check out my awesome toast that I bought”. Get over yourself.

but also, I love you all. 

For The Love Of G-d

Posted on by lainamunoz

Think Back Thursday –  sometimes I absolutely love remembering how simple things got to me.

“For the love of G-d, Live.”

This phrase has been stuck with me for a while now because it was going to be the next thing I was going to write about; but that’s all I had. It’s simple and I kept trying to add my own ‘ness to it. But, there is nothing to add… Please just understand it.

All for the love of G-d, the love that we have that is to G-d, the love that isn’t about us but about HIS kingdom… begin to live. No longer let yourself be satisfied with just dying for the Father’s will, but also LIVE. You, friend, have been given life and you we’re expected to do something with it. If you weren’t then you wouldn’t be here.

Please find the daily chances to show a love that is forgiving, a love that is accepting of people’s hurt, a love that will move people to change, a love that is UNFAILING… a precious gift from a Savior to His people that sometimes we complicate. His love wasn’t meant to be confusing it was meant to be ours. And because HE knew we’d forget – He reminded us again and again that it would always be there because it always has been.

Shoot, I don’t deserve it but that statement alone is where we complicate it.

No, I don’t deserve it but He still chose it for me.

He Loves Us.

How He loves us so… And for this reason alone I’m inviting you to live; To make choices and follow up on people and give up yourself.

Something inside you is aching and screaming over and over, “For the Love of G-d, LIVE!”

Scrabit : Cars

Posted on by lainamunoz

Well, this has become a fun part of my week. Reflecting on what G-d has done for me and the things He has taught me. I pray I never forget or cease to recall how GOOD HE IS.

 “Puhhhlease, #Daddysgirl, I’m already sure the answer is yes.”

       I swear G-d sets up conversations to show us our own believes that we might not of realized we had. I was talking to a friend about a road trip we want to take soon((7May2015 – we never took it)), we were trying to figure out gas money and how much to save. And while I LOVE my 1997 328i BMW with 230,000 miles on it, it doesn’t get the best gas mileage, or have the best steering, or have the least busted tail light ever…

Having taken all that into consideration I think, huh, maybe dad would let me borrow his car… it has power steering, both tail lights AND gets roughly 10+ more miles to the gallon to my classic. Bottom line is that it would be to my benefit to be able to dive his car to Texas and not mine. My friend told me I should start begging now, without a second though, I said, “#Daddysgirl (yes I hashtag in texts for irony, but you can de-friend me if you want) I’m already sure the answer is yes.” I have confidence that my father looks to my benefit in every circumstance. I obviously need to ask him and arrange accordingly but it wasn’t even a potential thought that he would have a reason to deny this request.

He looks out for my best and he does his best to help me. 

“I’m His, I’m already sure the answer is yes”

“This is the confidence we have in approaching G-d: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that He hears us-whatever we ask-we know that we have what we asked of Him.”  -1 John 5.14-15

Granted, you’ll see this is a little bit of a loose example seeing as my dad might not WILL me to drive his pretty vehicle but just the thought process. It spills over into my parents and I’m super thankful I have parents I can make and example of. Mom is always willing to wake up early to cook a good breakfast for me and any extra friends when we have kayaking adventures or my dad is more than willing to share his knowledge and resources to set me up for anything I want to accomplish. And how much more our heavenly father sets us up. 

“How great is the love the father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of G-d!” -1 John 3.1
“If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” -Matthew 11.11

And that is truly exciting, to have complete trust in the gifts my Father wants me give me. I’m sure I’ve had to work through this before, because I am a SLOW learner – I hope one day my thought process is this quick. Where I know I need G-d’s favor in a situation and I go before Him with this confidence. Hey G-d, if its Your will, I know it will already be a yes. Here’s my life and desires and passions, here’s what I’m ok at and where I fall every time… But You love me – because I’m Your kid. So do what You do, love me fiercely and whatever You will, let it be. And those requests I have for my future, for adventuring, for growing ad learning, let me be already sure the answer is yes.

And with that confidence, let me live.
 

 LORD, if I may, may I write. 

Also, dad Kate and I wanna go to Texas sometime between the 10th-21st of July…. so you can think about that haha

Call Us Your People G-d

Posted on by lainamunoz

Dang I was a convicted little girl… This was from just before my 19th birthday. Please enjoy my throwback

There is power in the word of Christ. I will believe that will all my new heart until the day I die. I can have nothing less because there isn’t much point to life separate from that. G-d, give me clarity in what you want me to say. Speak to those who need to hear from you and use me G-d, as I have nothing more rewarding to do than to follow you.

“They will return to it and remove all its vile images and detestable idols. 19 I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. 20 Then they will follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people, and I will be their G-d. 21 But as for those whose hearts are devoted to their vile images and detestable idols, I will bring down on their own heads what they have done, declares the Sovereign LORD.”
(Ezekiel 11.18-21)

G-d has given us the land. He is willing to guide us into the people’s hearts that He has called His very own. He has called us to return to where we belong and promised us that we will see the gates of Hell tremble before the power of his word and His people.
G-d, you have called us to be new creations and have given us the means to be something different.

“They will return to it and remove all its vile images and detestable idols.” (Ezekiel 11.18)
We HAVE to remove all that is vile and detestable in our lives. We have to let G-d become the center of all we do, or everything we have done or believed in will be in vain.
((1 Corinthians 15.1-2 “Now, brothers, I want to remind you of the gospel I preached to you, which you received and on which you have taken your stand. By this gospel you are saved,IF you hold firmly to the word I preached to you. Otherwise, you have believed in vain.”))
What a waste if you grow up living fully committed to G-d but let one thing slide, if you “believe in the Bible” but never give the time of day to invest in what you believe in. If you do not hold firmly to G-ds word you HAVE BELIEVED IN VAIN. If that isn’t enough for you then my heart goes out to you. My prayers to G-d will be over you, that He might come in and whisper to your heart until you are broken before Him.

I refuse to waste my life.

If it’s not all out, it’s all for nothing. Your life could be all in vain if you don’t hold FIRMLY to the scripture. If you are obeying 99% you have disobeyed 100%
Create in me a PURE heart G-d, let that become the cry of my generation. Make me steadfast and totally committed to your presence because apart from it we will see no good thing.

(I will) give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; (I will) remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. 20 Then (they will) follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. (They will) be my people, and (I will) be their G-d.

G-d promises us different things in scripture:
He WILL – Give us an undivided heart and a new spirit
He WILL – Remove our heart of stone
He WILL – GIVE us a heart of flesh

And then… We WILL – Follow G-d’s decrees and keep His laws
We WILL – Be G-d’s people!

And… He WILL – BE OUR G-D!

There is no maybe in His statements. He is firm in what he promises us and commands us. And how exciting it is to be the people of G-d!

undivided |ˌəndəˈvīdid|
adjective
not divided, separated, or broken into parts.
• concentrated on or devoted completely to one object : I can now give you my undivided attention.
Lord let your spirit in us be firm. Let us ACCEPT the heart that you so desire to give us. And let us follow after you fully, not holding anything back. No doubt of ourselves, or fear of our futures. G-d our future is secure in you.

I know that it doesn’t matter what I say, or what passion you see in my writing… it is G-d who wants you to understand this right now. He has something so big in store for those who seek after him; following closely to the scriptures He has given us. But you cannot believe in what you do not invest in. Of this I am fully convinced. Please hear my heart on this, G-d’s word is powerful, you can repeat that as much as you want but you will never understand it until you dive into the word yourself and see what all He has for you.

But as for those whose hearts are devoted to their vile images and detestable idols, I will bring down on their own heads what they have done, declares the Sovereign LORD.

Because I Said So

Posted on by lainamunoz

Creative success is not always found in inspiration; rather, we see it frequently in diligence and obedience.

You can search the sunrises and travel the world to have your eyes opened to the mysteries that beckon a new thought process, but you’ll find that the true success of completing a creative thought comes in the daily time spent on your craft. There is a slow build that takes place in the moments of paying attention and working with what you have access to. Often you’ll find yourself in seasons (days, weeks, years) of layering character. What’s funny about this act is that you can rarely see the progress. It is as if you are standing on top of a building that you’re putting together yourself and you only have an option to look up and continue the build, or look down and try not to become discouraged as you just see the same two-dimensional view of the sides of what you are creating. Maybe, just maybe we were never meant to see the build. What is entirely apparent to those we surround ourselves with is the completion of this growth. We may never see the height of the diligence that we possess – which is possibly the greatest thing.

If perhaps we were able to see it, we might become terrified at what we actually are… Either upset that we aren’t as far along with life as we had hoped, or we might become intimidated at the height on which we actually stand. This also prevents us from becoming prideful (about how cool we think we are). It limits our focus on ourselves and forces us to glance again and again into the sky and see what else there is to do. We can only go up. One layer at a time, one day after one day, and it all rests on diligence.

G-d will you bless the obedience?

For one of our assessments in school we have to write out some 3-5 year goals that we have. Our assessment then asks you to break down how to get closer in the next 6 months to these goals. Then we have to come up with 1-2 tasks that we can do daily to accomplish these goals. It’s really helpful, because it makes these goals achievable. This is also really terrifying, because it makes these goals achievable.

Part of the reason I’ve been so overwhelmed with this build is that I feel like the daily tasks to get to the end aren’t doing anything remarkable. Not to say I have to accomplish something incredible every day that I’m alive but when you have multiple days of unremarkable build up you wonder what you’re really working for. Yet, I have found so much blessing in the obedience.

Can we real talk? Sometimes I hate what I produce: I think songs can be cheesy, I think blogs can be irrelevant, I think my school work could be 1000 times better, I think I could be doing more creative things on all of my teams, and I think my consistency in Jesus time can ALWAYS improve. But I do still try. I still have a commitment to do my best with the daily and I have found that is all I can do is offer what I have and see what G-d does with it.

But sometimes what I feel I’m called to do doesn’t make sense; you know when you get a nudge to say some encouraging word to someone that seems so obvious that you really don’t care to say it? Then your heart starts to burn and you can’t ignore the words that are being bolded and impressed on your spirit? All I told him was that he had an anointing in leading. It was clear because well, he was leading and it was anointed. So why did I have to say it? Later he, (lets not introduce him as friend number Nick) told me it was actually what he was struggling with and needed to hear. He needed to hear value and a confirmation of what he was doing. My obedience wasn’t to validate me or to do anything that had to do with something that I understood.

My obedience was to build the kingdom.

Listening and obeying even when you don’t know the “whys” (to me) is where faith comes in. Knowing and holding onto the fact that we are the sons and daughters of G-d and that He walks with us and uses us when we are willing. We have a gospel and a truth to proclaim over those who have never heard as well as those who are in need of encouragement.

So, G-d… This is what I could do… honestly again, I feel like I’m not quite doing my best. I’m still working towards that but you’ve been so good to bless what I do have. I can’t see the process of this build, but I will chose to keep my eyes up and keep layering. G-d… You’ve given me every reason to trust You.

https://www.facebook.com/notes/laina-jenine-mu%C3%B1oz/obey-journey-and-heart/33804884537

Why I’m Not Good Enough For Ministry:

Posted on by lainamunoz

This blog already has enough words. Enjoy.

1) I work in food.

I spend a large portion of time cooking or cleaning the restaurant that I’ve been working at for years. This job prohibits me from being in church every Sunday and Wednesday, being at important and non-important family functions, and sleeping in a normal pattern. In turn, I spend copious amounts of time with about 25 servers and 15 cooks. Some love Jesus, some don’t, and some of them don’t even believe there is a Jesus. I spend up to 45 hours a week with some of them and I get to hear their stories and share with them mine. I listen to them when they’re upset with a guest, or a co-worker, or family member and I try to always push them to do their best in ALL that they do. I don’t always do a good job or remember to keep a smile on, but I do try. To those who allow, I push and pray for.  I get to watch them go through life with the filter of blue jeans and those nasty black polo’s. Some of them know my faults and victories, they know what pain I’ve been through and what I’ve learned.

All I can do is pray that it’s helped them in some way to not live through what I did or maybe just have the hope that after they do,  they will be alright.

I stepped out of many roles in my local church to take up the demanding schedule of management and offended some people by choosing “Chili’s over church”. However, it is what I chose, and if the only other option was to never have met the people I have, then I’m glad it was my choice. I missed things and events but I got to be involved in people’s lives. I found a small group at Chili’s, I got to befriend some phenomenal people. People that I love and will miss if ever I’m not with them (Hey guys, I miss you). They have a special place in my heart and I will never get sick of learning their stories.

2) I am a woman, and women are crazy.

I get too emotionally involved in things that I see and you can’t live by emotion. You cry a lot when you allow yourself to feel and that’s not fun for anyone, your make up (that actually didn’t look like a 4 year old did it that day) runs, and your friends (if they’re around) have to pretend that you don’t look like a hot mess. It’s not entirely a great situation for anyone. No one wins. For a 4 day time slot every month I can be super mad at you and then cry when you actually try to talk it out with me. If you give me caffeine at any point I’m in a great mood. And I’ll complain about my appearance after you compliment me. I can’t think of a compassion filled story without getting a heartache and I have so much pride for my little sister that I cry most of the time she does anything cool. I can’t sing a full song about The Lords faithfulness and not get choked up. I give too much of my time to things that aren’t always worth it and I give too much of myself to people who are only trying to get ahead.

Women can’t speak in public settings because we are so full of bunny trails that men can’t follow what we are saying. So what’s the point in trying? A lot of times I’d love to believe I’m a lot like Ruth: sticking to her promises all the time and working always to get exactly what she needs and being faithful… when really I see myself more often as the woman with the alabaster box so overwhelmed at the forgiveness given to me that all I can do is offer everything I have because even that isn’t enough. I’m moved emotionally to action and repentance; I don’t walk around trying to make up for the things I’ve screwed up. My heartstrings get tugged and I collapse and offer the mess that I become to the Creator and hope it becomes something better than what I left.

I am a woman, women are crazy and if it wasn’t for the patience of a G-d who loves me that would be enough to disqualify me.

But I have to believe this compassion and heart that aches He has set inside of me was meant to be mine. I have to trust that even when I give “too much” and get taken advantage of that it was all in His hands anyway and whatever He wills, will be. I have to know that when I cry its not because I’m a mess and I’m weak but because I’m ALLOWED to feel for people. I’m allowed to weep with someone who is hurting and lost. I’m ok taking time to be mad and scared and crazy because Jesus himself wept over me. He knew I’d be like this. He made me like this.

3) I love writing because I can think through what I’m saying -

when I speak I feel like it doesn’t make sense. Sometimes when I try to words out loud they don’t come out correctly.

I’m not a great communicator, at least I feel like I could be a better one. I don’t monitor what I say before I let it fall out of my mouth and this sometimes causes hurt feelings or people just being butt hurt that I had a better come back than them. I feel more frequently than not that I’m looking at G-d and His requests telling him, “I’m just not the right one” I feel highly inadequate to be given a lot of the opportunities I am because I’m simply not the best at what I do. I found out recently just how bad I am at photography, which I just find comical – I’m just not creative in that aspect about 95% of the time. I like to play piano and ukulele and guitar but I get nervous and mess up a lot. I like to speak but I feel like I could throw up before each time I do unless its in the middle of worship. Jesus tells me a lot in that setting and asks me to say a lot, I believe mostly up to this point what He needs me to say out loud is typically for me. Kind of public confession/accountability sort of a thing, but also, I’m just realizing how freeing it is to tell your stories. People learn from one another. And especially WHEN I DO mess up what I’m saying and someone still tells me they needed to hear it

I realize all the more that the result of the Gospel is the result of the Gospel, it is NOT the result of my attempts to share the Gospel.

So, yes, I stumble and fumble and say the wrong thing. My thinking isn’t perfect, my talents are not the best but I have had an opportunity to grown and become something more useful for what G-d wants to do in this world and in ME.                ((And that’s pretty cool.

4) I was married – but now I’m not.

Life isn’t supposed to go that way. “When something is broke you fix it you don’t throw it away.” In some Jesus denominations you can’t be in a pastoral/leadership position if you’ve been through a divorce, I’m not here to change your stance one way or another on if that’s right or wrong, or fair or harsh. I’m just stating the fact that on legal pieces of paper my marital status isn’t “Single”. If you know me very well, you know my story; if you kind of know me, you know the readers digest version; if you don’t know me and you tripped across my gofundme account (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgaQ23dFtQg) or Merge Video blog (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgaQ23dFtQg) you at the very least know that I’m divorced. I didn’t at the time think what I went through was fair. I was mad. I waited until I was married for sex, I worked at church, I grew up serving in almost every age of ministry I could be apart of, I led a family group, I led a worship team, I helped with the drama team, I was in line and could have worked my way into being a Junior High pastor. I was in love; I was 21 and extremely happy. I loved being around people and telling stories I had hopes, dreams, drive and ambition. And then I got mad. I got chosen over. I wasn’t good enough in my prime; I wasn’t good enough when I was the princess of the day. This is more difficult to write about because I’m still a firm believer that people do change (going back to the being a woman and crazy) I believe the best and sometimes get taken advantage of. But I don’t feel its fair to say my ex is the pit of disgust and should have a terrible life because of what happened. I gave up everything to take a break and learn how to do the ministry of marriage. And I was chosen over.

Yet, I have been unfaithful to my creator and His forgiveness is awesome.

Literally, I’m in awe of what He has done for me. I didn’t want there to be a G-d because that way I could react whatever way I saw fit and not believe there was something up there with a broken heart over me. I wanted so badly to be alone and just die because if He wasn’t real it wouldn’t have mattered. But I’m still here. I had friends telling me to get off my couch and get some sunshine and air. I wanted there to be nothing and for everything to mean nothing. It didn’t work; I broke and realized there IS something because I’m not done being me. I’m not finished learning how to love and forgive and seek forgiveness. I’m not done being loved. The Lord has given us love and forgiveness we don’t deserve and cannot repay because we are sinful. The majority of us will go through a moment, or trial, or piece of a story that gives us the opportunity to walk away from everything we know and believe in.

I’m grossly hopeful, it gets better –

no matter what you’re going through,

it gets better.

I swear, no matter how painful the heartache, IT GETS BETTER. G-d showed us His forgiveness clearly with the story of Hosea, He called Hosea to marry a prostitute. He called him to a union of unfaithfulness. He told Hosea to love her, over and over again to find her where she was, whoever she was with and take her back and love her. He did this to show what He has done for us. While we were STILL sinners, Christ died for us. So I have a red letter in my marital status… Could G-d have used it? Yes. Would life of been different if I chose to stay? Yes. Life changes constantly and I chose what I did.

I’m here now and at peace with where “here” is.

My Story is a huge part of Australia. G-d knew the outcome and He knew my heart the entire time. And HE still loves me, HE still knows me and HE still treasures me.

5) I don’t like pretending I’ve got my life together – I pretty openly admit I don’t know everything – or even what I’m doing.

I’m too honest and probably share too much… like, all the time. I believe too firmly that I can sit before my Father as I am and let Him deal with me as I am. I tell Him when His word doesn’t make sense to me, and I tell people who I’m talking to when it doesn’t make sense to me as well. I believe firmly in grace and because of this I no longer give myself stomach ulcers trying to be a “good” person. I try to love and give but when I screw up I believe in the forgiveness already given to me. I’m not the best witness in the world because I can’t explain everything there is to being a ‘Christian’ even though I grew up in church. I have a decent amount of blind faith in that this is the only thing that has made sense so far so this is what I do.

This is the only way the heartache eases

the panic attacks settle

the joy is restored and the hope is in full swing.

So this is what I do. I love on Jesus and let Him love on me. I’m not good at being a good Christian. I take scripture too literally, I don’t like to dice it up. I question the context of what someone is preaching on and wonder if the author ever really intended for us to use it the way we do sometimes. I believe you can sing and watch chains fall, I believe in prayer actually working when we bring our requests to G-d, I believe all things work together for good even when they suck really bad. I believe in favor and that G-d is going to let me accomplish my “bucket list”before I go, even if it doesn’t look like what I have planned. Heaven forbid I actually believe. It’s not the practical thing to do nor is it useful for planning your next move in whatever ministry you are doing. I feel like a wildcard because I don’t agree with everyone all the time. And then I get vocal and post my disagreement in snide tweets or Facebook statuses, mostly to be funny, mostly because I don’t mind being wrong. My opinions are subject to change because I learn something new about what I’m doing weekly. All in all I’m kind of a brat. Brats aren’t good leaders.

So, I’m sorry I’m not the best candidate but I feel called. I’m sorry I’m wrong sometimes but I’m willing to listen and learn where other people know more. I’m sorry that I have a blemish on my marital-ministry badge but I believe in forgiveness and freedom. Sorry I’m a woman, but I’m not sorry – haha, we are crazy cool. ((I’m sorry that last line was so cheesy.))

I’m mostly sorry if I ever skip and opportunity to be real and open with you all.There is too much importance in life and the actions we take and the conversations we have to not live openly. So it might not look like it used to, but my under qualified self has been living out what it means to be Jesus as best as I’ve been able to. So whatever ministry I fall into, I hope I do ok. G-d knows what He’s doing with me, even when I don’t feel like me is enough.

*Note: Please understand the utter sarcasm throughout this blog and the healing that I’ve come to know as mine. A lot of this was tongue-in-cheek as it stands now. At one point these were the things that bound me. But G-d has done a work that I cannot keep to myself or explain. He is good. I am not.

But He loves ME.

In Time, Child

Posted on by lainamunoz

I find irony in a #ThinkBackThursday about ‘Timing’… so please enjoy my silent chuckle and my smile as I share with you my thoughts. 5 March 2014

There is so much importance in timing.

It’s something we avoid from elementary school: There are tasks we have to do daily – some are bigger, some are smaller but it’s when we overlook the important ones to pick something easier that we can sometimes miss out on the reward of obedience.

Step two is easier and more immediately rewarding even though, if we had taken step one AND THEN TWO we would have gotten more out of step two (track with me). We would have been wiser and more equipped for what we had to do. There is also the issue of skipping steps and never returning to square one because you got distracted and are now “busy”.

“G-d, step one is harder and I really just don’t want to. So I know you’ve given me every sign in the world that leads there… but step two is also beneficial for others so I’m just gonna go ahead and move forward.

Look, G-d! I’m being productive! I got this.”

WRONG.You very much DON’T have this.

 There is so much importance on timing and yes, while you can spend your time doing beneficial things for others, what painful, stripping, purifying, life changing step are you not taking? You can move forward, that’s the scary part. And you WILL be used if you’re willing, which is terrifying. Half hearted leaders wandering around who refuse to get their crap together and worse, they won’t let anyone else know that they are broken.

I’ve done it long enough to know when I’m taking the second step just to distract myself from the first.

I might not know you well enough to call it out, but you do. That’s why I write. Well that and I’m a super nerdy homeschooled kid who happens to express herself best through writing… And usually I write because G-d is dealing with me, and social media is public accountability.

((Really I just enjoy it))

So I pray G-d messes you up as much as He is messing with me. Take the first steps. Take the hard steps. Yes “But, life will be easier if I can just get______” but your reward is in obedience.

There are people on the other side of that – and you’re cheating yourself and them if you skip to what is easy.

I wrote a letter. Have fun with your day.

:: In time, Child, healing is coming and a love so deep will appear.
In time, Child, your wounds won’t bleed and you’ll grow out of all of your fears.
In time, Child, though now it’s hard, the sun will shine and bring joy. For in this time, Child, you’re learning to cope and most of all, trust in the LORD” ::

Coffee Date

Posted on by lainamunoz

Please allow me to ramble sometimes.

Please allow me to share some of my honest conversations with the LORD.

Please allow me to be transparent so that we might learn something together.

For the most part I try to have a single thought process on what I’m writing about which, as a woman can be extra challenging. Sometimes though, I really just need to talk. So, if you will, pardon my sitting with you and my cup of coffee acting like you are drinking your own coffee… listening to me. 

Thursday morning (yesterday) I woke up, did dishes, checked on laundry, made breakfast and sat down with G-d. All at once it hit me, “what the heck am I doing here? How on earth am I supposed to know how to live out being a Christ follower? Who do I think I am?” I actually for a brief 10 minutes had the revelation that I clearly have no idea what I’m doing. I wouldn’t say I was overwhelmed with doubt but I will say I had every question rolling through my head over what it really means to walk with Jesus… and how I felt was that I was doing an incredibly poor job at that. I felt like I was doing poorly because I all the sudden assumed it couldn’t be THAT simple. There is no way I was doing it right, I wasn’t reading my Bible correctly, or praying enough or right, I was talking too much to G-d and not listening, I was forgetting entirely to address the Holy Spirit in all of my prayers and therefore he maybe wasn’t listening to me. G-d, am I doing this right?

My flat-mates were around the house by this point when one of them brought to my attention a situation her family and friends are dealing with back home. We had absolutely no way of intervening seeing as we now live in a different country and even if we didn’t, there is seriously nothing we can do about it. So we are left with realizing, “hey, we should pray” so we did. G-d helped me remember the verse in Matthew that talks about seeking His kingdom FIRST. That should be our priority and first response in the daily… This is how we follow after Christ. 

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:33-34 (NIV) 

 I overcomplicate things and in turn I forget about grace. G-d has been teaching me about abundance lately. Not only am I given grace but also tomorrow, when the sun rises again out of His faithfulness I will have even more grace. Am I stewarding grace well?

 “As you for, you were dead in your transgressions and sins…But because of His great love for us, G-d, who is rich in mercy made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – It is by grace you have been saved… For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of G-d – not by works, so that no one can boast.” Ephesians 2:1-9 (NIV)((ISH))

 Thank you JESUS that it isn’t about what I can do. Because I CAN’T DO.

I was dead in my sin. I have no hope when I look in the way of what I’ve been through and what I’ve done. I can’t honestly even understand the gravity of the eternal gift I have been given. My heart literally can’t fathom it. But I know what it was like when I was farthest from G-d, I remember all too clearly the pain of being alone and not hearing G-d. I remember the bitterness that came with being mad at Him and feeling like HE had no idea what He was doing.

 “But because of HIS GREAT LOVE for us, G-d who is rich in mercy made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved.” 

 Rich – having wealth or great possessions; abundantly supplied with resources, means, or funds; wealthy. This is our earthly definition of “rich”. According to Forbes list Bill Gates is the richest person alive right now, he is worth $76 Billion dollars (if he ever happens to read this www.gofundme.com/storytimewithlaina give it a read and consider helping a sista out with education) so… like I said, Gaterman is worth more money than I will likely ever see in my life combined and that’s about where our human understanding caps out… But my G-d, is able and does EXCEDINGLY and ABUNDANDLY more than we can ever ask or THINK. Guys, we don’t even understand how big his riches are; we can’t fathom the mercy He has shown us and renews everyday towards us.

To try and bring this back home I’ll say this, I can’t actually mess this up. My feelings are wacky right now but I’m also off of a normal schedule with sleep and breathing time and that’s alright – we knew this two week season was coming and we know that it will end. I don’t know if I’m doing this ‘right’ or not but I know that G-d is faithful even when I feel like I’m a crappy kid. I know that His word is true if I am taking the time to invest it into my heart or not. His love is large if I’m allowing myself to receive it or not. His mercy is new every morning even when I fell asleep on my journal the night before and only got one sentence written out. His grace is endless because it covers me, it covers you, it covers our todays and tomorrows and all of our pasts.

 Jesus, bless this conversation, I don’t feel like it’s much but it is what was on my heart and that’s all that I can give. You know what’s up. You know me and whoever might read this, even knowing us you still chose to love us. Holy Spirit, do what only you can do; without You these are just words and a choppy shot at a blog. Thank you for Your word. G-d may it change me and please help it fix my heart.