Out Of The Context: Christmas

Welcome to my #ThinkBackThursday this week, I wrote it shortly after my 19th birthday around Christmas time (totally on Christmas day). It’s more of just a prayer and not entirely a Jesus sermon, but it is where I’ve found my heart lately, in full surrender and hopeful request that G-d would be G-d and allow me to be me and hopefully use me everyday along the way. It’s all I really know how to do is lay my requests before G-d and wait on Him; and even with that I am terrible. G-d help me even now, 5 years later and a little bit farther into the path with you. Grow my heart towards You and let there be even more of a willingness to serve Your people and fill me to overflowing with grace. I am needy, but You think about me. Thank You.


For what it’s worth, I give you all I have.

I’m sorry it isn’t pretty, or all that much in the long run.

But I’m willing and ready to change if you want or need me to.


I give you a moldable me. I give you who I am in hopes that You’ll make me better. I give you me, praying that You’ll make me more like you. I let go of fears to give honor and awe to you. I let go of distractions so that You might have my full attention, not out of obligation but out of the LEAST I could give you. Starting now and going into the rest of my life I give it to You. May I never take lightly my service to You and help me to see and re-define who I should be for You.

I love you G-d and I know you love me too.

-Laina

Christmas always reminds me how ridiculously, and undeserving-ly blessed I am. I like all the gifts I got today and somehow I usually sit wishing I had more money or saved better so that this year I could give more. I’m always left with a few people to give presents to AFTER Christmas is over. I don’t see much wrong with that, I just wonder sometimes who stopped today to offer what they could to Jesus? It is after all – – About Him.

Blah blah blah… I’m not about to get on a Christmas lecture on how He is the reason we celebrate, if you don’t know that by now then you’ve been driving with your eyes shut and listening without ears for the months that led up to today. But, for what it’s worth, what have you offered to Him? Not because it’s Christmas, but because He deserves it? Daily. Ha <I can’t believe I started a sentence with a laugh. 8APR2015>, honestly take a look at yourself (I’m looking at my life thus far and the future promise I know I can hold onto) what can you legitimately offer to make the space you’ve taken up worth it? Nothing… Yet somehow when we mix who we are with who G-d wants us to be, HE makes us worth something. But He won’t force himself on you or change you without your allowance. You have to GIVE Him the gift of yourself. Which is almost comical when I think of my life ever being a gift I’d want to present to anyone.

((It’s ALMOST embarrassing))

I don’t understand why G-d chose to love me. All I know is that He did.

I don’t understand why I would somehow make an acceptable gift for the Creator. But somehow He sees it in me.

I don’t understand how G-d orchestrates all of our lives into a beautiful array of hope and progress. But oh, He does.

All I can do is be thankful that I live FREE, with a family that loves me, with friends that miss me when I leave, with jobs that are teaching me how to become who I’m supposed to be.
And despite how messy it is, I have a Creator who is constantly changing the image of who I am into who He is and what He wants me to be.

Jesus, I’m not much and I don’t understand what you see in me, but here I am.

My whole heart for You… Happy Birthday (ish)

We All Struggle With Forward Motion

To be salt and light in the world//

to bring life to the dead in heart//

and see things change//

to be less so you can be more//

This is our POSITION Lord.

That many would serve You and know Your glory through the way we live. That we live consumed.

This is our DESIRE G-d.

To follow Your call and move mountains. To move when You tell us and stand when You command.

This is our RESPONSE Jesus.

To draw close to You when our emotions and circumstances are trashed. To seek You BEFORE we don’t see another way.

This is our MOVEMENT Father.

To be broken beyond the point of repair so that something new HAS to happen for us to continue.

This is our CHANGE.

I charge you to be different, to CHANGE. To not let another day pass that you see things as hopeless. But, to grow up, go on and be responsible for the MOVEMENT that is taking place. That your actions might be pure and what has been stirring inside of you would move from being your opinion to your action. That what you feel inside would move from being your thoughts to your RESPONSE. Let your passions arise and don’t be afraid of your DESIRE. Fellow warrior, what is a pain on your heart for your classmates, co-workers, family, and friends has been placed by the living G-d. He NEEDS you to rise and take your stand on who you are (who are you?). Let your POSITION on the outside reflect that which has been placed on your heart. G-d is ready and waiting. Lets get there friends. Go on.

“Therefore let us leave the elementary teaching about Christ and GO ON to maturity, not laying AGAIN the foundation of repentance from acts that lead to death, and of faith in G-d,”

– Hebrews 6:1

17 February 2010


26 March 2014

I love reading old writings because it’s almost a personal history book. I get to think back and remember the points in my life where I was passionate, where I was deeply hurt, the adventures I was blessed enough to go on and the people I was fortunate enough to meet. Recently I was talking with a flatmate about journaling and I remembered that I brought one of my journals along the way to Australia with me. I flipped through the beginning of it remembering Ireland in 2010, how close my friends got and how we truly got to see the Acts church lived out. We ate breakfast together and did devotionals around the table and we served together. I got to fast forward in my journal to the three week tour that I was blessed to be apart of: traveling with our worship team and drama team to Wisconsin and New York to do ministry. Again, I saw my friends get closer to form this family that (at the time) had no idea what was coming. I got to record Reggie’s words of wisdom when he told us this group would never be the same again, and it never has been.

I continued reading to find the day I got engaged. I found the journey of almost breaking off the engagement and the marriage and the divorce. The back 30% of my journal is walking through being alone. At this point Hine pointed something out that again solidified my passion for writing. She explained that G-d knew the season I was about to walk into which is cool that He allowed the front half of my journal to be filled with some of my most memorable and life changing travels that I’ve been on yet. He knew that I’d take a bit scattered hit to writing and that the few times I would sit long enough to get my heart out would be filled with depression and pain. He prepared me before even though I didn’t recognize it until 4 years later in a simple conversation about journaling.

I learned a few things from glancing over those writings:

  • I got to see how much G-d has done in the last 4 years of my life.
  • I saw my prayers answered as He drew near to me.
  • I remembered to pray over my little traveling family as we are and have been ALL over the world since that point.
  • I found a chunk of G-ds faithfulness that I didn’t let myself see
  • I got to place point my growth, knowing that I haven’t started over again but I have (by G-d’s grace) GONE ON from immaturity.

I had no idea that when I was writing these words (about a year before I got married) that I would be giving myself a mandate to continue in Christ. To let my actions move me forward and not sit where I’ve been. G-d was preparing me then, He is with me now. What a wonderful thing to look back and be challenged and realize you’re not where you’ve been.

Move Forward

G-d never left me