I Asked For More

Lately, I have been asking Jesus to help me love people better. I never felt I was very good at it because I’m a task orientated person. I’m a thinker and most of the time I feel (teehee) like emotions are irrelevant to the decision making process. I feel like I walk too quickly sometimes to seem approachable; and I always look busy, when in all facts – I just walk REALLY quickly.

I asked Jesus to help me love people better and He didn’t make my heart any bigger – He just gave me more people to love.

I asked G-d for more creativity and for ideas to be downloaded into my heart and I feel like all I’ve gotten is more weird dreams. Not like, “I have a dream that one day… my future will be like __________” but like, I go to sleep and dream of a giant praying mantis in my bed or a mix of my cousins and people I used to work with in the same building treating porn as if it was a family movie night, or sometimes hiking on a mountain and suddenly I’m in a dentist chair and my teeth are falling out. But you can’t forget the classic Chilismare… you’re in Chili’s working but you’re working with the worst manager ever and none of your co-workers came in that day and the entire restaurant fills up at once and you’re slowly running your head off all while sinking into the floor, which is now quicksand.

I have CRAZY dreams; I asked Jesus for more creativity and now I find myself with more opportunities than ever to input creatively to the groups and people around me.

But what do I have? I have a giant praying mantis in my bed and random people watching porn*.

I have been praying for provision and a job, not like sitting and praying – I apply and chat with people about who is hiring and follow up with calls. So far I’ve gotten an email to tell me they went with someone else and a manager telling me he’ll get back to me. Oh! And I got put on a list of a future interview the next time they do interviews.

I asked for provision and it comes in the most last minute, random moment and in friends who care to make sure I have groceries.

I ask the Lord every time I post that it would find people in a timely manner and that G-d would use my words to encourage, inspire, and point someone to the only answer I know – Jesus. I asked for the Holy Spirit to move into my man-formed sentences and spelling errors and cover my ‘project’ of words with His own.

I asked for people to find my words AS THEY NEEDED. Yet, when I feel like I’m just typing into the internet and no one is getting anything from this… someone comes to tell me that what I’m doing has encouraged, inspired and moved them more towards Jesus.

But in THAT moment the timing is for me. It’s when I want to give up or stop bothering my newsfeed with yet another “Hey read my blog!” that Jesus reminds me this was HIS calling to me, and though it can feel redundant – my calling IS words – my calling is consistency. 

I miss the mark sometimes, but one thing I can tell you is how gracious and faithful G-d has been. He forgives and restores. My Saviour looks out for me and protects me and encourages me.

I find it SO odd how Jesus responds to me. It never feels like an answer when it is happening but very soon after I’ve gotten over myself, I can look back and see the beauty of His language and timing. I’m learning His language and I’m constantly learning to trust His timing but I also don’t feel bad that I still haven’t figured it out.

* I don’t watch porn, there was not ACTUAL porn playing in my brain – but you know how dreams go – you get that sense of what is happening even though none of the dream makes sense.
* (P.S.) I woke up that morning and had some serious Jesus time for those of you who read this and are still dealing with an addiction porn. I pray freedom and renewal for your mind. I pray that the intense bondage that might be over you be broken right now in Jesus name. I ask that every woman or man or child you’ve ever fantasized about would find a home and healing and that G-d world restore worth inside of them as it has been stolen with every thought that anyone has come up with of them. I pray that the people in the industry would realize the love of our GOOD father in heaven and that they would know inside of them that there is more for them. So much more love. I pray that you, as you read this would feel a release from the pull of porn and that you too begin to love people a little better. – Find Help Here

Scrabit Be

Please enjoy this #ThinkBackThursday. I’ve been in a very, ‘be still’ sort of mood again the last few days so this post highly reflects that. I think it’s the thought that school could be super busy and stressful right now but I’m choosing to just sit with Jesus through it.

Hey, it’s working for me.


Dear yesterday, let G-d cover your mistakes or you’ll never see your forgiveness.
Dear today, let G-d do what He wants or you’ll never see your fulfillment.
Dear tomorrow, seek to please G-d or you’ll never see your potential.

Dear child, believe in the King who has always been faithful with the sunrise and sunset. Seek after the giver of live who knows the flaps of a bird’s wing. Realize that no matter where you go He is in your heart if you allow Him to be.

I don’t enjoy making mistakes and feeling like I’ve failed but all that I can do is trust in a grace that is enough for me. Sometimes it’s intimidating to make a promise to G-d that you will think on Him throughout the day when you know how crazy everything will be. But my offer to G-d is that I’ll do MY BEST cause He deserves nothing less. As for my future… I’m terrified I don’t like feeling like G-d doesn’t hear my prayers and feeling like it isn’t time for Him to answer my questions. The world would say I should have this figured out by now and maybe I do, maybe I’m just worried that I’ll disappoint someone. Not for their opinion but for the opportunities I might lose.

Shoot… If I knew half of what I wanted to know right now, I’m sure there would still be something that was bothering me.

Lord, teach me to be content with what knowledge You’ve given me. Please.

He’s Faithful To My Heart…

I began my Wednesday morning this week as per usual at Gloria Jeans with my housemate for our coffee, catch up and read up time. We had a great time. 

Fast forward to just shortly before chapel started around 11:45am… I get a text from my housemates asking if any of us could come home and help clean out the refrigerator because our landlords had popped in for a surprise ‘we’re-going-to-take-your-refrigerator’ party that they didn’t invite us to.

(It IS their refrigerator but notification to remove food and maybe not have just gone shopping and stocked up would have been lovely)

So there sat the refrigerated portion of my households food. No one knew what was going on or where we were going to put all of this food.

My brain immediately went reeling through all of my food safety training. I was mentally sorting out where we were going to fit all of the meat and spoilable things that really needed to be cold. Mostly I was pissed and shocked at our landlords lack of understanding for all of my food safety concerns for all of the waste that would soon become of our food if we didn’t get the proper air temperature control box device to monitor the longevity of our edibles.

(guys, wasted money on food and spoiled food gets under my skin #ChilisForLife)

So, I prayed, I vented to G-d and told Him how unpleased this situation left my heart feeling. I then texted my parents. I asked them to pray for wisdom, peace and a free refrigerator. I also prayed for these things. I fumed a little bit through chapel all whilst reminding my household that it would all be alright.

The ‘fix it’ mode that I was operating in blocked off my memory from memor’ing* a meeting that I had set up with a friend until he called me as I was walking home. I apologized and explained that we needed to reschedule because I needed to get a house jam sorted. He asked me what was up and I explained in less words the story that you just read. Without another breath he responded, ‘wait let me call my friend she had some extra refrigerators I’m sure she could get you one!’.

What?

G-d what?

I know that I’ve heard that prayer works and I know that I even believe that prayer works but G-d, you aren’t messing around. Within the evening we picked up our new refrigerator.

The following day at Sisterhood I was reminded of a verse that in many seasons of my life I’ve held dearly:

Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

I got to experience the entirety of this verse within the time span of chapel. I threw it to G-d and He did not disappoint. One thing I keep coming back to is His faithfulness… Guys, it’s SO big!

The resounding sentence I’ve had stuck in my heart is that, I’ve never lived a day that the sun didn’t rise. If that isn’t a display of the faithfulness of G-d than you must be a scientist or some non-science (see what I did there?)

Point of the story: Pray, and watch to see what G-d does.