Please allow me to ramble sometimes.

Please allow me to be transparent so that we might learn something together.

For the most part I try to have a single thought process on what I’m writing about which, as a woman can be extra challenging. Sometimes though, I really just need to talk. So, if you will, pardon my sitting with you and my cup of coffee acting like you are drinking your own coffee… listening to me. 

Thursday morning (yesterday) I woke up, did dishes, checked on laundry, made breakfast and sat down with G-d. All at once it hit me, “what the heck am I doing here? How on earth am I supposed to know how to live out being a Christ follower? Who do I think I am?” I actually for a brief 10 minutes had the revelation that I clearly have no idea what I’m doing. I wouldn’t say I was overwhelmed with doubt but I will say I had every question rolling through my head over what it really means to walk with Jesus… and how I felt was that I was doing an incredibly poor job at that. I felt like I was doing poorly because I all the sudden assumed it couldn’t be THAT simple. There is no way I was doing it right, I wasn’t reading my Bible correctly, or praying enough or right, I was talking too much to G-d and not listening, I was forgetting entirely to address the Holy Spirit in all of my prayers and therefore he maybe wasn’t listening to me. G-d, am I doing this right?

My flat-mates were around the house by this point when one of them brought to my attention a situation her family and friends are dealing with back home. We had absolutely no way of intervening seeing as we now live in a different country and even if we didn’t, there is seriously nothing we can do about it. So we are left with realizing, “hey, we should pray” so we did. G-d helped me remember the verse in Matthew that talks about seeking His kingdom FIRST. That should be our priority and first response in the daily… This is how we follow after Christ. 

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:33-34 (NIV) 

 I overcomplicate things and in turn I forget about grace. G-d has been teaching me about abundance lately. Not only am I given grace but also tomorrow, when the sun rises again out of His faithfulness I will have even more grace. Am I stewarding grace well?

 “As you for, you were dead in your transgressions and sins…But because of His great love for us, G-d, who is rich in mercy made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – It is by grace you have been saved… For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of G-d – not by works, so that no one can boast.” Ephesians 2:1-9 (NIV)((ISH))

 Thank you JESUS that it isn’t about what I can do. Because I CAN’T DO.

I was dead in my sin. I have no hope when I look in the way of what I’ve been through and what I’ve done. I can’t honestly even understand the gravity of the eternal gift I have been given. My heart literally can’t fathom it. But I know what it was like when I was farthest from G-d, I remember all too clearly the pain of being alone and not hearing G-d. I remember the bitterness that came with being mad at Him and feeling like HE had no idea what He was doing.

 “But because of HIS GREAT LOVE for us, G-d who is rich in mercy made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved.” 

 Rich – having wealth or great possessions; abundantly supplied with resources, means, or funds; wealthy. This is our earthly definition of “rich”. According to Forbes list Bill Gates is the richest person alive right now, he is worth $76 Billion dollars (if he ever happens to read this www.gofundme.com/storytimewithlaina give it a read and consider helping a sista out with education) so… like I said, Gaterman is worth more money than I will likely ever see in my life combined and that’s about where our human understanding caps out… But my G-d, is able and does EXCEDINGLY and ABUNDANDLY more than we can ever ask or THINK. Guys, we don’t even understand how big his riches are; we can’t fathom the mercy He has shown us and renews everyday towards us.

To try and bring this back home I’ll say this, I can’t actually mess this up. My feelings are wacky right now but I’m also off of a normal schedule with sleep and breathing time and that’s alright – we knew this two week season was coming and we know that it will end. I don’t know if I’m doing this ‘right’ or not but I know that G-d is faithful even when I feel like I’m a crappy kid. I know that His word is true if I am taking the time to invest it into my heart or not. His love is large if I’m allowing myself to receive it or not. His mercy is new every morning even when I fell asleep on my journal the night before and only got one sentence written out. His grace is endless because it covers me, it covers you, it covers our todays and tomorrows and all of our pasts.

 Jesus, bless this conversation, I don’t feel like it’s much but it is what was on my heart and that’s all that I can give. You know what’s up. You know me and whoever might read this, even knowing us you still chose to love us. Holy Spirit, do what only you can do; without You these are just words and a choppy shot at a blog. Thank you for Your word. G-d may it change me and please help it fix my heart.