Happy Birthday

Hillsong College has been booming with end of semester presentations and performances lately, which has been great fun mixed with a little nervous excitement. The first year songwriters had their performance this week and as I sat at the packed out café and listened to their beautifully composed songs I began comparing (as you do). But it wasn’t a negative comparison or even a “me against them”. It was more reflective of my first year songwriting self – I began to wonder if there was a difference between my time before college, last year and this last weeks performances and the caliber of songs that I was producing. I think this was Jesus – because I am not this clever – but I felt in my heart that it wasn’t a measure of “are my songs better” but:

“Am I better? Am I better at being a songwriter?”

I got stuck on the thought that if I haven’t improved in my discipline of songwriting, then, I haven’t improved. I feel the same can be said of my character and life. I question a lot if I’ve changed much year to year being at a Christian Leadership college and spending most every day at the church. We are invested into almost hourly and are exhausted by the second week of school. It’s beautiful here and it is hard. This has been the most demanding semester I’ve been a part of and I have felt stretched and sometimes broken. I didn’t address my infrequency of writing this semester in my previous blog because I didn’t want to.

But just so you know, I KNOW.

In my questioning if I have changed, if I’m the same, if I’m different but revert quickly back to the worst of me, I again felt that drop of a discipline thought – If I haven’t improved in my discipline, I haven’t improved. I can’t actually gauge how I’m doing by how I feel because that changes every time I change my diet. If I don’t see my journals filled, if I have more books to read than books that I’ve read, If I have more abandoned coffee dates than friends then I am no better.

But tomorrow, I get to start a new journal, I get to start reading Joshua, I have a coffee date with a good friend and I get to choose to believe that He who began a good work in me will carry it out unto completion. I’ve learned more this semester than ever about getting into the Word of God and APPLYING it to my life. Technically there is a model to look at them, us, me – but that’s more of an in person conversation and it’s my blog so naturally I’m talking about me.

The Word of God is active and is most useful when it is USED. Of all my disciplines I pray this increases the most.

My life isn’t about the caliber of my accomplishments but the consistency of my growth – and I pray that yours never becomes about what you produce but the daily producing of fruit and great things to build your community and to grow you closer to Christ.

I love you all, Happy Birthday.

Obey: Journey and Heart

I think this one is hitting home for the last #ThinkBackThursday this season. It’s now been a year; 52 posts of old material that G-d used to once again locate me and challenge me. This blog was birthed out of obedience, and while I didn’t want to be THAT Christian-Hillsong girl who writes a blog about my journey… I am. And I LOVE it because it’s what G-d has put on my heart and in my hand to do. So dang it – I’m going to do it well. I’m going to do it out of obedience and trust and I’m going to do it out of self-reflection and self-location because I’m going to want these things written; I’m going to want these stories that I get to live with others retold because I have enough faith to believe that Jesus will turn up in the midst of them.

The biggest THANK YOU to those of who you have read my blog faithfully, inconsistently, never read it but always intended to and to those who’ve stumbled upon it now.

THANK YOU for reading… not because it’s my blog but because I’m honoured that you somehow might believe in my story. Thank you because your time is valuable and spending 5-10 minutes, twice a week to catch up with me means heaps to me. You are so treasured.

I have such love for you all.


5 November 2008-

“G-d, I’m listening, and I don’t know what to do-
I’m doing my best to listen to what you tell me to.
Putting actions with my words has become the hardest thing
When I cannot speak anymore, LORD, you’ve taught me how to sing.”

All I’m hearing lately is “OBEY”; Even though I have NO idea the outcome or the process that He will lead me though. Sunday night G-d surprised me and just told me to obey… it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt (thus far), but I did. I have no idea when He will mend what he’s asked of me or how many days it will last. But, I’m learning that it’s not about me anymore.

G-d has something amazing in store for those who seek them, and He’s leading me beside the still waters so that I can.

I watched “Everything Is Spiritual” by Rob Bell, with our leadership core on Sunday afternoon, and throughout all of it what really stuck out to me is “Sitting on top of the mountain”.

*G-d called Moses to Obey… Exodus 3.11-14 ((EDITED))
(a)
11 But Moses said to God, “Who am I, that I should go ((Insert G-d’s resolution to a personal problem here))?”
12 And God said, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have ((Fixed your problem the way I TOLD you to)), you will worship God on this mountain.”
13 Moses said to God, “Suppose I go ((Oh, I dunno… OBEY, what then should I tell people?)), ‘The God of your fathers has sent me…’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?”
14 God said to Moses, “I am who I am… ‘I AM has sent me to you.’ ”

(Actual Verses Cited below)

Something that I couldn’t get out of my head is the thought that all He’s asked us to do is obey. Just to sit with Him, hear Him out and obey the words He has given to us. Moses was instructed by G-d to go up Mount Sinai and meet Him there.

(b) “The LORD descended to the top of Mount Sinai and called Moses to the top of the mountain.”

Just to meet Him. Just to spend time with Him. Just to listen to Him.

I attend The University of Tulsa (Community College) ha… Ahem, anyway I have classes every Tuesday and Thursday from 8-9.20am, and then another class at 11am. I was given a book called “Practicing the Presence of God”, so I thought I would read it during break. There is a hallway at TCC that everyone refers to as the ‘breezeway’, because it is a hall of windows, and I suppose seeing the outside is just as good as being there nowadays? I sat in the breezeway staring out until a bench outside caught my eye. It was tucked away underneath two trees no taller than a one-story house and decently shaded, and still allowing enough light to keep whomever was underneath warm. I gave G-d a sarcastic look in my head and thought, “Why do you want me outside? I could just read in here and not have to move.” G-d has a funny way of returning my cheeky favors, so a little more clear and for no particular reason I get a nudge to get off my rear and go outside. I start down the breezeway when I realize that I’ll have to walk through the smoking area to get to my little picnic table that G-d wanted me at, and I begin to think “I don’t want to go through the smoking area, I hate the smell of smoke it’s bad for you.” As I make my way to the Library G-d pulls all the more hard telling me to go to table and reminding me that sometimes he takes you through something you don’t really want in order to get you alone with him.
I sat and read and didn’t really understand why I had to be there. But it’s not about me… G-d just told me to obey and I’m trying my hardest to do so.

(c) “Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession.”

G-d, do you really think that of me? Am I really a treasured possession of YOURS just because I listen? That’s enough for me – it has to be enough for me.

So I’m stuck, at the top of the mountain waiting on the Lord to come find me. I can’t do this alone because I wasn’t created to be alone, and right now trusting in G-d is all I need to be leaning on.

Just some thoughts of a Follower of Christ trying to find whatever He needs of me.

“And I’ll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For you are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm”

Exodus 3.11-14 (a)
11
But Moses said to God, “Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?”
12 And God said, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.”
13 Moses said to God, “Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?”
14 God said to Moses, “I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I AM has sent me to you.’ ”

Exodus 19.20 (b)

Exodus 19.5 (c)

Scrabit Valentines

Please enjoy this #ThinkBackThursday, it’s long enough 🙂


I had the opportunity of learning how to co-write a song with a 2nd semester student the other day. It was awesome (for lack of a better word, I used all my good ones in the song). One of the lines we came up with being, “The hardest place to be is on an empty page”; which for any artist: If you’re a writer, a painter, a dancer or a songwriter, this is one of the truest statements that there is. Unless you and G-d have some ridiculous thing worked out and you just flow 24/7 in the gifts of creativity. To you I say, I’m way jealousI’m working on that.

All of that to say, I’ve been here for about three weeks and written every day, but sharing has gotten significantly harder. The first week was full of temporary housing, moving, getting settled in, and not having WiFi. So that was legitimately part of it, however, another large part is that G-d is uprooting crap that I don’t WANT to share. If I admit it out loud (or on paper, or at the internet) to you all then it becomes a real issue with real accountability that I have to address. What sucks is that G-d has laid it on my heart to share my story. Be real with people, open up and love people as I accept unconditional love that I used to not allow myself to feel. I’ve been taught in public speaking, and singing, and even conversations to not preface or disclaim things and I try really hard to keep to that. But I clearly didn’t listen this time. Lets add that to the list of things I’m working on.

It’s Valentines Day here in Aussie Land, which in all reality doesn’t matter at all. I plan on finding a beach today and getting golden brown and piddling around the city. The only significance of today is that I just finished a book on Prophecy and a heavy portion of the book spoke on LOVE. So today I woke up and read 1 Corinthians 12-14 as the book suggested doing for every day of the rest of your life and I began to realize just how poorly I love. A large struggle here at Hillsong [so far (for me)] has been my wonderful insecurity and issue of comparison. Hillsong College doesn’t cultivate or feed this insecurity, in fact I think I’ve heard something in every sermon, chapel, lecture, and conversation about how we need to NOT be comparing ourselves.

We are the BODY OF CHRIST and to each of us has been given the ‘manifestation of the Spirit for the common good’.

G-d puts us in the places HE willed us to be in, with the talents HE set in us, and the understanding HE taught us, with the stories HE will use if we let Him. And sometimes all of that sucks (this is a fragment sentence because I have nothing else to say about it). When you lean on your understanding and your view it’s rough to believe you’re a significant person in the kingdom. You might be a finger in the body, but fingers are pretty boring until you attach them to the hand and link them to the heart and the brain, and then through them all working together create a melody on the piano, or a letter to an old friend, or a story that will change someone’s life.

“But in fact G-d has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as He wanted them to be.”
1 Corinthians 12:18

– I don’t have to try and convince myself that I’m supposed to be here, now, with the level of talent or anointing I have – G-d has placed me where He willed me to be. I’m not a mistake; I’m not out of place. No one else here can be me. His Word tells me so. Even on the days I don’t believe in myself, I have to believe His Word is true or I really have nothing and no reason to be here.

Hmmm, so love.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails… And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-8a; 4:13

Can we go real talk without you getting uncomfortable? No? Probably not, that’s fine you don’t have to ‘like’ this post. Do you have any idea how long I’ve avoided and not liked this portion of scripture? My divorce was final August 2012 so… probably about 4 months BEFORE that. I have let there be a hold over my heart and life because I have accepted the ties around portions of scripture and what was promised to me, and broken. G-d didn’t do that. HE didn’t abandon me, He always hoped in me, He ALWAYS persisted after me. He is good, He is G-d, He is Holy. Having said that I realized that through all this mess and all the ties I let hold me I was killing my ability to ACCEPT love… How the heck do I expect to give love if I can’t accept it? I am a BAD lover. I have the biggest issue in the world with rejoicing in truth, I need to work on rejoicing over people who are ahead of me in life. I need to stop being intimidated by them and thinking I will never be like them. Chances are, I WONT BE LIKE THEM BECAUSE G-D CREATED ME TO BE ME.

I have so much room to grow in this area. I have so much I need to start believing about me so that I can in turn pour it out into believing in others. What is terrible is that it’s all grown out of fear, pride and insecurity. Those are ugly, I want to be pretty inside and out. Momma always said I was… I want to believe I am. But dang, I need G-d’s help. Only He knows how stubborn I am and how far down He is going to have to dig to get it all out. And I have been praying since I got here that He would take it all out. G-d, teach me how to love. Show me the moments when I am very wrong. Guide me in what You need me to do and above all – change my heart to beat more in line with Yours. “Get rid of it all G-d, make my heart true. Get rid of it all G-d and make me more like You. Just take it all Lord, bind me to You. With one glance of my heart G-d, I’m falling in love with You.”

I could write a ton more about all this but I’m trying to keep it as short as your attention span. It might not ever be perfect but I DO love you all with all I know how, I am praying that it becomes more pure and closer to what it love really looks like. I am expecting a lot of miracles and heart changes for the women I live with and the people I’m going to school with, and me. I could use prayer. You all are wonderful.

“Write your heart out”… seriously, get the mess that is inside of you out. There is healing, there is encouragement, there is truth to be spoken over you, there is accountability you (I) desperately need. You don’t have to fight thoughts alone.

 Happy Valentines Day

Scrabit : Cars

Well, this has become a fun part of my week. Reflecting on what G-d has done for me and the things He has taught me. I pray I never forget or cease to recall how GOOD HE IS.


 “Puhhhlease, #Daddysgirl, I’m already sure the answer is yes.”

       I swear G-d sets up conversations to show us our own believes that we might not of realized we had. I was talking to a friend about a road trip we want to take soon((7May2015 – we never took it)), we were trying to figure out gas money and how much to save. And while I LOVE my 1997 328i BMW with 230,000 miles on it, it doesn’t get the best gas mileage, or have the best steering, or have the least busted tail light ever…

Having taken all that into consideration I think, huh, maybe dad would let me borrow his car… it has power steering, both tail lights AND gets roughly 10+ more miles to the gallon to my classic. Bottom line is that it would be to my benefit to be able to dive his car to Texas and not mine. My friend told me I should start begging now, without a second though, I said, “#Daddysgirl (yes I hashtag in texts for irony, but you can de-friend me if you want) I’m already sure the answer is yes.” I have confidence that my father looks to my benefit in every circumstance. I obviously need to ask him and arrange accordingly but it wasn’t even a potential thought that he would have a reason to deny this request.

He looks out for my best and he does his best to help me. 

“I’m His, I’m already sure the answer is yes”

“This is the confidence we have in approaching G-d: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that He hears us-whatever we ask-we know that we have what we asked of Him.”  -1 John 5.14-15

Granted, you’ll see this is a little bit of a loose example seeing as my dad might not WILL me to drive his pretty vehicle but just the thought process. It spills over into my parents and I’m super thankful I have parents I can make and example of. Mom is always willing to wake up early to cook a good breakfast for me and any extra friends when we have kayaking adventures or my dad is more than willing to share his knowledge and resources to set me up for anything I want to accomplish. And how much more our heavenly father sets us up. 

“How great is the love the father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of G-d!” -1 John 3.1
“If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” -Matthew 11.11

And that is truly exciting, to have complete trust in the gifts my Father wants me give me. I’m sure I’ve had to work through this before, because I am a SLOW learner – I hope one day my thought process is this quick. Where I know I need G-d’s favor in a situation and I go before Him with this confidence. Hey G-d, if its Your will, I know it will already be a yes. Here’s my life and desires and passions, here’s what I’m ok at and where I fall every time… But You love me – because I’m Your kid. So do what You do, love me fiercely and whatever You will, let it be. And those requests I have for my future, for adventuring, for growing ad learning, let me be already sure the answer is yes.

And with that confidence, let me live.
 

 LORD, if I may, may I write. 

Also, dad Kate and I wanna go to Texas sometime between the 10th-21st of July…. so you can think about that haha

Scrabit: Confidence

G-d, thank you for my housemates; You have blessing, provision and healing in store for them. You have favor, a calling and a complete plan for their lives – May I always pray over them in faith, watch in expectation and encourage them in love.

Amen. Let it be.

Jesus, change us this week open our eyes and hearts to new moments with You. Help us to give more than we knew we had in us and learn what we didn’t think we needed to know. You are powerful, holy and refining and my excitement is through the roof with what we will look like after two weeks of intense serving and seeking. Lord, bring a beauty that comes from walking with You. Bring a G-d-radiance that shows others we have been marked; that we have sat in Your presence. I am so excited that I don’t know what to expect, but take my expectation and blow it out of the water. Do what You do. Turn up and change us. Help us love You more.

 

Bible Thoughts:

“because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 1:5-6 (NIV)

My source of confidence comes from my Father in heaven ((and HIS goodness and faithfulness)). He has plans and I get to be apart. This confidence comes from spending time with Him and in His word. THIS Confidence says that He has a plan and even in the seasons I feel forgotten I can hold onto the promise that HE WILL CARRY ON THE GOOD WORK IN ME UNTIL COMPLETION. This isn’t just for my ideas of where I want to be, but this is a journey He will take me on until the day of Christ Jesus. G-d will move me forward and complete good work(s) in me, in my roommates, my friends and family until He comes back.

Praise Him. What good things He can do.

More Jesus Time:

“This is the confidence we have in approaching G-d: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked of him.” – 1 John 5:14-15 (NIV)

So alongside this confidence conversation…


Lord, when I bring my requests before You – You answer them. You answer me. Your word tells me so. You have perfect in Your plans and I want in. I want to be apart and I can have confidence in You that because of Your words – I will be.

Why pray if you aren’t going to believe that it will come to pass? And where does doubt come from anyway?

                       Old Age.

“If you have faith and do not doubt… you can say to this mountain, “Go throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” – Matthew 21:21-22 (NIV)

G-d, I’ve asked you to show up. I’ve asked you for hearts healed and mindsets changed and I believe You hear me. I know You see me and love me so now all I can do is praise You for what You will do and leave my expectations with You (Psalms 5:3). Teach me to speak Your word over my life and walk into the callings You have for me. Teach me how to love people with all of me. Guide my conversations and fill them with GRACE for I have been shown much. Lord, Create in me a mind that is productive and give me new revelations to give. I want to keep writing and keep commitments and watch You grow me and change me. I have a dream that LORD willing will come to pass but I need Your creativity. I NEED YOU.

((If you don’t show, I’m screwed.)) 

Why are my prayers important? *Because the Lord hears my prayers. Why do I pray for my housemates? *Because I get to live out the change with them. It’s a faith builder. I speak live and love into and over them and get to see a harvest of the Lords strength and ultimate plan come forth out of their lives. Some concluding thoughts: If you aren’t praying for your roommates, why the heck not? If you aren’t bringing some expectation to your days, why are you wasting your time living them? That sounds wicked boring… I’ve been there. If you aren’t approaching G-d with confidence then what happened where you stopped seeing Him as faithful? as just? as forgiving? as holy?

I never know who will actually read these or when they will read it or what season they will read it in. But I do pray every time that when and if you do come across this that it will be just what you need. Something to challenge you to expand your faith and draw you to the creators heart. But, these are only words. 

G-d, let me be useful. Let me be open to learning what you need me to and even more than that, let me share what I know with those around me.