G-d has taken me on a beautiful journey of being healed of anxiety, sometimes I have my hiccups but then I remember what He did on the cross was enough for me then, now and for the rest of my life. Coming to Aussie from America was one of the smoothest transitions I’ve had in my life which surprised me. I’m a little upset to admit how shocked I was that I was actually ok. But I am. G-d has been with me every step and thats a really remarkable thing.
Please enjoy this #ThinkBackThursday from November 2014 just before I came.
Love you all
“Those days will come when you cannot articulate what the matter might be, but there IS a matter. I feel it resting on my heart and making me wonder. It’s irritating me, not as dramatic as a thorn in my flesh, but it’s still pretty obnoxious. So I’m left completely at a loss as to how to explain my heart condition to even You. And, all the more irritating is that You know what the matter is. You already know and You wont tell me. Why? I cannot say I appreciate it, but here I am. You know my heart better so I guess for lack of me knowing what to do – You can deal with me accordingly. Here I am. If You will, use me in the process.“
Well, I tried to go to sleep over an hour ago but this has been literally sitting on my heart for almost a week and my anxiety kicked in tonight so sleeping isn’t happening. This is just about all I can think about, so I’m not sure if that makes this a prayer request or just a download, but here it is.
Recently I was able to catch up with a friend about life. One of her questions for me was about Australia and if I was ready and had everything I needed. Now, I leave in two months… (actually less but it’s easier to say two months) – I have a lot of things to sell or put in storage or give away, I have a lot of people to say “Hasta Luego!” to, and I don’t have all the finances I need while I’m gone. But her question comforted me rather than sending me down panic lane. I simply responded with,
“No, I don’t have everything I need while I’m done but I have everything I need for now”
I am taken care of. I don’t have what I need for tomorrow because, guess what? It’s still today.
But I woke up and was in no need for today. I had enough food, I had enough sleep, I had no bills I couldn’t pay, I had laundry to do that I had clean water for. Now, while those resources are temporary and once I used them they were no longer good for the same purpose… I HAD what I needed. I have this great big habit of being a worrier and stressing out over the plans. I had ALWAYS been pretty bad about trusting that things will simply work out. I want to know when we are leaving, how long the trip will take, I want to leave earlier than I have to because if I don’t I know I’ll hit traffic – and then I will be late. I want to know what will happen when I arrive and where I need to be and even when I have all of that information I’m stressed thinking about what’s coming. This has gotten better in my late(r) age; I’m comforted knowing that I don’t have to have all the details. A long time ago G-d reminded me that my walk with Him needs to be a daily waking up and realizing that I need Him. Now, I’m positive that I’m not the only one who He has reminded about this but it stuck out like a sore thumb to me and if I don’t try to remember so often then some of you lucky ones are left with a mid-panic Laina rambling on about things that don’t need to be stressed about.
I am held in His hands and because of that my fear of failure, my anxiety of the journey, my weight of worry that sits on my chest all gets a lot smaller. I was overwhelmed with assurance when I realized, “No, my plan ISN’T going how I saw it play out” ((EVER)) But, when I woke today and got through the day (quite well I might add) because I’m still His and He loves me.
“I don’t have everything I need while I’m gone, but I have everything I need for now.”
I’ve been overwhelmed with the support I’ve seen so far in sharing my story, honestly I started a gofundme account and wasn’t sure I’d really get that far with it. But, every time someone simply reads my story I’m thankful to G-d because of what He has done with me. I’m so very much not even close to “The End” of my story but I’m in awe of what He has done in and with my heart. Thank you isn’t enough to each of you who have said a prayer over me in the last 2 years but it’s what I know how to say. Please know though, my prayer for you, whoever may be reading this, no matter when you decide or are bored enough to do so, is that I would be a small part of your story. I want to learn from you and grow with you. I want to see a group of people so free from hurt and fear that they begin to boldly live out love in the way they’ve been given love. Even I’ll admit I sound a bit cheesy but I mean it with my whole being.
I crave freedom because I’ve seen so many glimpses of what boldness feels like. I wouldn’t consider myself as someone who walks in boldness but G-d, how I want to be that person.
I remember being bold.
“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” Way to go Paul and Timothy, you’re better than us. “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do al this through him who gives me strength.” Mmm, context is such a beautiful thing. (Phil 4.11-13) It’s not just that I can throw that last verse around and do anything I need to because I have this supernatural strength to call on. But, I’m going to learn how to live in every situation and I’m going to accomplish this by a strength that is now my own. Boom, I don’t have to be enough.
May I learn how to LIVE in every situation, G-d, may I learn how to REST when anxiety creeps up over ridiculous things. I’ve had all I could ever need at every point in my life and I’m YOUR kid so I expect nothing less than to have exactly what I need. Nothing more.
I have a great thought process on packing for trips… Once I leave, I’m done. IF I don’t have it in my bag it clearly didn’t make a big enough impact for me to remember so obviously I can live without it. Lord, I’m not condoning my forgetfulness, but, if I find myself awake, and I don’t have something help me to realize it might NOT be a need. If I needed it, I’d likely have it. You’ve been so good to me and you know whats up more than I do anyway.
So, chill my heart out, its’ doing that thing again.