Obey: Journey and Heart

I think this one is hitting home for the last #ThinkBackThursday this season. It’s now been a year; 52 posts of old material that G-d used to once again locate me and challenge me. This blog was birthed out of obedience, and while I didn’t want to be THAT Christian-Hillsong girl who writes a blog about my journey… I am. And I LOVE it because it’s what G-d has put on my heart and in my hand to do. So dang it – I’m going to do it well. I’m going to do it out of obedience and trust and I’m going to do it out of self-reflection and self-location because I’m going to want these things written; I’m going to want these stories that I get to live with others retold because I have enough faith to believe that Jesus will turn up in the midst of them.

The biggest THANK YOU to those of who you have read my blog faithfully, inconsistently, never read it but always intended to and to those who’ve stumbled upon it now.

THANK YOU for reading… not because it’s my blog but because I’m honoured that you somehow might believe in my story. Thank you because your time is valuable and spending 5-10 minutes, twice a week to catch up with me means heaps to me. You are so treasured.

I have such love for you all.


5 November 2008-

“G-d, I’m listening, and I don’t know what to do-
I’m doing my best to listen to what you tell me to.
Putting actions with my words has become the hardest thing
When I cannot speak anymore, LORD, you’ve taught me how to sing.”

All I’m hearing lately is “OBEY”; Even though I have NO idea the outcome or the process that He will lead me though. Sunday night G-d surprised me and just told me to obey… it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt (thus far), but I did. I have no idea when He will mend what he’s asked of me or how many days it will last. But, I’m learning that it’s not about me anymore.

G-d has something amazing in store for those who seek them, and He’s leading me beside the still waters so that I can.

I watched “Everything Is Spiritual” by Rob Bell, with our leadership core on Sunday afternoon, and throughout all of it what really stuck out to me is “Sitting on top of the mountain”.

*G-d called Moses to Obey… Exodus 3.11-14 ((EDITED))
(a)
11 But Moses said to God, “Who am I, that I should go ((Insert G-d’s resolution to a personal problem here))?”
12 And God said, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have ((Fixed your problem the way I TOLD you to)), you will worship God on this mountain.”
13 Moses said to God, “Suppose I go ((Oh, I dunno… OBEY, what then should I tell people?)), ‘The God of your fathers has sent me…’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?”
14 God said to Moses, “I am who I am… ‘I AM has sent me to you.’ ”

(Actual Verses Cited below)

Something that I couldn’t get out of my head is the thought that all He’s asked us to do is obey. Just to sit with Him, hear Him out and obey the words He has given to us. Moses was instructed by G-d to go up Mount Sinai and meet Him there.

(b) “The LORD descended to the top of Mount Sinai and called Moses to the top of the mountain.”

Just to meet Him. Just to spend time with Him. Just to listen to Him.

I attend The University of Tulsa (Community College) ha… Ahem, anyway I have classes every Tuesday and Thursday from 8-9.20am, and then another class at 11am. I was given a book called “Practicing the Presence of God”, so I thought I would read it during break. There is a hallway at TCC that everyone refers to as the ‘breezeway’, because it is a hall of windows, and I suppose seeing the outside is just as good as being there nowadays? I sat in the breezeway staring out until a bench outside caught my eye. It was tucked away underneath two trees no taller than a one-story house and decently shaded, and still allowing enough light to keep whomever was underneath warm. I gave G-d a sarcastic look in my head and thought, “Why do you want me outside? I could just read in here and not have to move.” G-d has a funny way of returning my cheeky favors, so a little more clear and for no particular reason I get a nudge to get off my rear and go outside. I start down the breezeway when I realize that I’ll have to walk through the smoking area to get to my little picnic table that G-d wanted me at, and I begin to think “I don’t want to go through the smoking area, I hate the smell of smoke it’s bad for you.” As I make my way to the Library G-d pulls all the more hard telling me to go to table and reminding me that sometimes he takes you through something you don’t really want in order to get you alone with him.
I sat and read and didn’t really understand why I had to be there. But it’s not about me… G-d just told me to obey and I’m trying my hardest to do so.

(c) “Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession.”

G-d, do you really think that of me? Am I really a treasured possession of YOURS just because I listen? That’s enough for me – it has to be enough for me.

So I’m stuck, at the top of the mountain waiting on the Lord to come find me. I can’t do this alone because I wasn’t created to be alone, and right now trusting in G-d is all I need to be leaning on.

Just some thoughts of a Follower of Christ trying to find whatever He needs of me.

“And I’ll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For you are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm”

Exodus 3.11-14 (a)
11
But Moses said to God, “Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?”
12 And God said, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.”
13 Moses said to God, “Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?”
14 God said to Moses, “I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I AM has sent me to you.’ ”

Exodus 19.20 (b)

Exodus 19.5 (c)

Scrabit Valentines

Please enjoy this #ThinkBackThursday, it’s long enough 🙂


I had the opportunity of learning how to co-write a song with a 2nd semester student the other day. It was awesome (for lack of a better word, I used all my good ones in the song). One of the lines we came up with being, “The hardest place to be is on an empty page”; which for any artist: If you’re a writer, a painter, a dancer or a songwriter, this is one of the truest statements that there is. Unless you and G-d have some ridiculous thing worked out and you just flow 24/7 in the gifts of creativity. To you I say, I’m way jealousI’m working on that.

All of that to say, I’ve been here for about three weeks and written every day, but sharing has gotten significantly harder. The first week was full of temporary housing, moving, getting settled in, and not having WiFi. So that was legitimately part of it, however, another large part is that G-d is uprooting crap that I don’t WANT to share. If I admit it out loud (or on paper, or at the internet) to you all then it becomes a real issue with real accountability that I have to address. What sucks is that G-d has laid it on my heart to share my story. Be real with people, open up and love people as I accept unconditional love that I used to not allow myself to feel. I’ve been taught in public speaking, and singing, and even conversations to not preface or disclaim things and I try really hard to keep to that. But I clearly didn’t listen this time. Lets add that to the list of things I’m working on.

It’s Valentines Day here in Aussie Land, which in all reality doesn’t matter at all. I plan on finding a beach today and getting golden brown and piddling around the city. The only significance of today is that I just finished a book on Prophecy and a heavy portion of the book spoke on LOVE. So today I woke up and read 1 Corinthians 12-14 as the book suggested doing for every day of the rest of your life and I began to realize just how poorly I love. A large struggle here at Hillsong [so far (for me)] has been my wonderful insecurity and issue of comparison. Hillsong College doesn’t cultivate or feed this insecurity, in fact I think I’ve heard something in every sermon, chapel, lecture, and conversation about how we need to NOT be comparing ourselves.

We are the BODY OF CHRIST and to each of us has been given the ‘manifestation of the Spirit for the common good’.

G-d puts us in the places HE willed us to be in, with the talents HE set in us, and the understanding HE taught us, with the stories HE will use if we let Him. And sometimes all of that sucks (this is a fragment sentence because I have nothing else to say about it). When you lean on your understanding and your view it’s rough to believe you’re a significant person in the kingdom. You might be a finger in the body, but fingers are pretty boring until you attach them to the hand and link them to the heart and the brain, and then through them all working together create a melody on the piano, or a letter to an old friend, or a story that will change someone’s life.

“But in fact G-d has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as He wanted them to be.”
1 Corinthians 12:18

– I don’t have to try and convince myself that I’m supposed to be here, now, with the level of talent or anointing I have – G-d has placed me where He willed me to be. I’m not a mistake; I’m not out of place. No one else here can be me. His Word tells me so. Even on the days I don’t believe in myself, I have to believe His Word is true or I really have nothing and no reason to be here.

Hmmm, so love.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails… And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-8a; 4:13

Can we go real talk without you getting uncomfortable? No? Probably not, that’s fine you don’t have to ‘like’ this post. Do you have any idea how long I’ve avoided and not liked this portion of scripture? My divorce was final August 2012 so… probably about 4 months BEFORE that. I have let there be a hold over my heart and life because I have accepted the ties around portions of scripture and what was promised to me, and broken. G-d didn’t do that. HE didn’t abandon me, He always hoped in me, He ALWAYS persisted after me. He is good, He is G-d, He is Holy. Having said that I realized that through all this mess and all the ties I let hold me I was killing my ability to ACCEPT love… How the heck do I expect to give love if I can’t accept it? I am a BAD lover. I have the biggest issue in the world with rejoicing in truth, I need to work on rejoicing over people who are ahead of me in life. I need to stop being intimidated by them and thinking I will never be like them. Chances are, I WONT BE LIKE THEM BECAUSE G-D CREATED ME TO BE ME.

I have so much room to grow in this area. I have so much I need to start believing about me so that I can in turn pour it out into believing in others. What is terrible is that it’s all grown out of fear, pride and insecurity. Those are ugly, I want to be pretty inside and out. Momma always said I was… I want to believe I am. But dang, I need G-d’s help. Only He knows how stubborn I am and how far down He is going to have to dig to get it all out. And I have been praying since I got here that He would take it all out. G-d, teach me how to love. Show me the moments when I am very wrong. Guide me in what You need me to do and above all – change my heart to beat more in line with Yours. “Get rid of it all G-d, make my heart true. Get rid of it all G-d and make me more like You. Just take it all Lord, bind me to You. With one glance of my heart G-d, I’m falling in love with You.”

I could write a ton more about all this but I’m trying to keep it as short as your attention span. It might not ever be perfect but I DO love you all with all I know how, I am praying that it becomes more pure and closer to what it love really looks like. I am expecting a lot of miracles and heart changes for the women I live with and the people I’m going to school with, and me. I could use prayer. You all are wonderful.

“Write your heart out”… seriously, get the mess that is inside of you out. There is healing, there is encouragement, there is truth to be spoken over you, there is accountability you (I) desperately need. You don’t have to fight thoughts alone.

 Happy Valentines Day

Dear Diary,

I suddenly have to ask myself questions I don’t want to hear. I’m sitting wondering if I’m good at loving people or if maybe I have no idea what love really looks like. I found out that I struggle to let the Lord just love me and through my non-educated assumptions I reckon it has brought some of the issues I have. I’ve been sitting with myself thinking about faithfulness and measuring myself up in uneven scales. Lord, teach me to just be again, teach me how to sit with you and breathe.

I am gross when I look at You.
I am a curse when I see Your blessings.
I am dark when I stand in Your light.
I am off key when the angels start singing.

And then I see the way You look at me…
And I see how deeply You care
You tell me that’s not how You see me
And you begin again to repair

I’m not actually sure if I’m GOOD at loving but I know that I just have to ask you to love me and You will, and You’ll change me.

Lord, please change me

As You Do – Think Back Friday

I sort of shoved #ThinkBackThursday and a new Friday post together… You know, because it’s New Years and I’m cliché.

1 January //

I’ve now lived through 25 of these and probably for the last 13 of them I’ve wondered where on earth time has gone. It seems that time has a preferred method of transportation that it enjoys, and it’s always the one you wish it wasn’t on. It grabs a Delta flight, a free miniature bottle of wine and sticks its feet up for the joyful moments. They go so fast that you hardly remember all of the details even when you’re trying. Without a shadow of a doubt I believe that it grieves with us in the hard times and it too finds it difficult to pull itself out of bed and move when we cry – making our sorrow seem even longer.
Misery loves company.

But, then you look back and realize there was 24 hours in each of those days and 7 days in your weeks and that you just wasted 1-4 hours of your today realizing that you’re still here. You still never know when moments to be remembered are happening and you never know when you will finally heal.

But you have the moments, and you heal.

I’m currently in Oklahoma for the holidays, which brings up loads of memories in the 17 years I spent around this town. It’s impossible not to remember the great, good, bad and regretful. And as odd as it can be to grow up and see that nothing is ever the same year to year, the obscurity of it is shadowed (for me) by remembering a few things:

  • My Good Friends are GOOD – I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for a handful of very, VERY good people in my life. They’ve believed in me, pushed me, prayed for me, let me cry, let me fail and still told me they loved me and that I can make it. Hometowns can sometimes bring a sting along with comfort when thinking about the ‘used to be’ and ‘could have been’ relationships, adventures and journeys; G-d has been in the redeeming business of reminding me that the people I have now are who need to be in my life NOW. He knows all things, He knows my heart and who builds it, He knows what’s coming for me and He has been blessing me more and more with like-minded lovelies who care about me.What and who HE allows in my life is more than enough.
  • He has ALWAYS been faithful – this has been so overwhelmingly in my thoughts this last year or so. I’ve always known it but G-d has connected this knowledge to my heartstrings and veins and has literally flooded my being. The knowing physically weighs on me and can often, easily and frequently bring me to tears. Guys, He cares so much and loves so deeply and IS SO FAITHFUL. And not just for me; this is for you and I’m sure if you take time to let the Saviour and comforter help you look back you’ll see it to.
    ((Please take the time to look back))
  • Discipline is hard, sacrifice is hard, they both suck and they’re both mandatory – reading and writing daily is a choice and no one will tell you to do it once you pass the age of 17. I’m a routine and schedule person and it’s extremely difficult for me to cram a devotional or blog into the end of my. Mornings are my zone and when I don’t allow myself that time I feel like a pretty crappy person. This one is really just a memo to self // Be An Adult.
  • Reading is very important – I am not an educational or approved resource to quote. While I’m overjoyed that you’ve read this blog or any of my other blogs I’m not the end all… heck, I’m not even good at ending blogs real good.

Find a book and learn something.

 

Art above by: Mindi Garland (That’s MY bloodline)
Title: “Jenine Races Down the Path Less Traveled Without Fear of the Future” (That’s my middle name)

Adventure Through They Journey

A little bit shorter of a post today, just processing through some thoughts I journaled out this last week… Honestly, I’m still trying to figure out what all of it means but so far I think it’s a good idea.

Enjoy!


I feel like you asked me if I’d journey with You. At first my thoughts were, ‘naturally, I’m saved – I’m doing this with You’. It’s funny how a word can bring back a full semester of thoughts on this subject. I sent the phrase, “Adventure with many, journey with few” to some close friends to gather thoughts on how they read that sentence. One of them nailed my thoughts on the head by saying ‘adventure SHOULD be done with anyone and everyone – random groups and impromptu trips, you can learn something from everyone, but JOURNEY – do the long haul and ups and downs with a few who you know how to support the “hard”. I thought for a second that you were inviting Yourself on my journey, which was surprising and honoring enough. But then I felt like you meant to be inviting me onto YOURS. To bear the grit and trials You’ve walked through. What an honor to serve with You

Lord, I’d love to journey with You

//oh, seasons//

“Adventure with many, journey with few”

There are loads of things I’ve felt impressed to think and write about lately and it’s been hard to sort out what to say when but this has weighed the heaviest on my heart.

I’ve had to learn over several seasons in my life how to journey with people. I have a few very close friends who I’d pick to do life with over a load of others and it isn’t because they’re even the most fun to be around. It’s because they push me, don’t let me whine and whinge, they don’t let me give up. (( they don’t let me go a Friday without posting ))

But standing in chapel this week (shameless “Go to chapel” plug) I felt like G-d brought this back up with me. He asked me to Journey with Him, which I don’t think I understand the weight of just yet. Honestly I don’t know if I ever will understand. We read scriptures telling us to follow him is to deny ourselves, take up our cross and follow but what does that mean?

Journeying for me is becoming a non-optional. Not because its the easiest life ever but because I don’t actually know where else I’d go. I don’t know what else I’d do if it wasn’t what I’m doing now – loving Jesus, learning Jesus and telling others about how awesome He is. Sometimes the road sort of sucks and hurts and has a few spots where it feels like do or die. But at no point have I died yet so I suppose I’ll keep going.